From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
Who Won the Weeks? You Tell Me...
We wouldn’t think of ending 2010 on a sour note (and there were plenty of 'em this year). Fact is, there were a lot of winners, and you picked 'em in our prestigious C&J "Who Won the Week?" polls.
The most frequent winner this year is Jon Stewart, to whom you bestowed the honor three times: for his "Go fuck yourself" gospel number targeted at Bernie Goldberg and Fox News, his expose on the Saudi prince who both supports the proposed Islamic community center in lower Manhattan and also owns part of Islamoalarmist Fox News, and the Rally to Restore Sanity in late October. Two people---Shirley Sherrod and Prop. 8-nixing Judge Vaughn Walker---each won twice in consecutive weeks. Stephen Colbert nabbed honors twice, as did Rachel Maddow. President Obama, who dominated the list last year with ten wins, squeaked out two. Otherwise, y'all spread the love around with characteristic progressive fairness, generosity, and headbone-thinkin'.
Here's the list of people you deemed worthy of wearing the white hat of liberty, justice, and do-goodism in 2010. (The missing weeks are ones where C&J was off. And although there was no poll last Friday, I've taken the liberty of choosing it by maniacal fiat.)
Jan 8 Anyone who is glad to see 2009 in the rearview mirror
Jan 15 Relief workers and citizens from around the world donating money and supplies to earthquake-ravaged Haiti
Jan 22 Corporate America, thanks to the Supreme Court's Citizens United ruling
Jan 29 President Obama (State of the Union)
Feb 5 Joint Chiefs Chairman Mullen, Defense Sec. Gates, and Colin Powell for urging repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'
Feb 12 The Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints
Feb 19 The Senators and grassroots supporters who are banding together to get a public option in the health care bill
Mar 12 Rep. Alan Grayson, for introducing the 'Medicare You Can Buy Into Act'
Mar 19 Dennis Kucinich and other reps who switched their votes from No to Yes on health insurance reform
Mar 26 Everyone associated with the passage of the health insurance reform bill
Apr 2 The Voyeur strip club in West Hollywood, where staffers of Michael Steele plopped expenses on the RNC's credit card
Apr 9 President Obama
Apr 16 The SEC, for bringing civil fraud charges against Goldman Sachs
Apr 23 Jon Stewart, and his 'Go F—k Yourself' gospel number on The Daily Show
Apr 30 Everyone participating in the backlash against Arizona's 'Papers, please' law
May 7 Los Suns!
May 14 SNL host Betty White
May 21 Rachel Maddow, for her interview with Rand Paul
May 28 House members and the Senate Armed Services Committee, for endorsing the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'
June 4 The wildlife rescuers working 24/7 along the Gulf coast
June 11 The Chicago Blackhawks, who won their first Stanley Cup since 1961
June 18 The families of the 1972 'Bloody Sunday' massacre victims in Ireland. After 38 years, an investigation places blame squarely on the British troops who fired on them
June 25 Rolling Stone and journalist Michael Hastings, who opened a can of worms over General McChrystal and the Afghan war
July 2 Elena Kagan, who aced her confirmation hearings, and John Paul Stevens, now in retirement after 35 years on the Supreme Court
July 9 U.S. District Judge Joseph Tauro, for ruling in Massachusetts that parts of the federal DOMA law are unconstitutional
July 16 Whoever figured out how to cap the damn BP well
July 23 Shirley Sherrod, Farmer Spooner, and their supporters who pulverized Andrew Breitbart's attack and forced the NAACP and Tom Vilsack to apologize for their knee-jerk reactions
July 30 Shirley Sherrod, who says she plans to sue Breitbart
Aug 6 Attorneys David Boies and Ted Olson, for winning their case against Prop 8, and Judge Vaughn Walker for his historic ruling
Aug 13 Judge Vaughn Walker, who ruled that gays and lesbians can get married in California again starting next week
Aug 20 Rachel Maddow, who won a Cronkite Award from the Interfaith Alliance
Aug 27 The Daily Show, for its expose on how Fox News's #1 shareholder is a Saudi prince who is also a financial backer of the planned Islamic center in NYC
Sep 3 Arizona guv candidate Terry Goddard, who won the debate with Jan Brewer, who froze
Sep 10 TIE: Pastor Steve Stone of Heartsong Church in Memphis, for inviting members of a construction-delayed mosque to hold services in his church during Ramadan...and U.S. District Judge Virginia Phillips, who ruled that the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy is unconstitutional.
Sep 17 Elizabeth Warren, named as a presidential advisor on creation of new Consumer Financial Protection Bureau
Sep 24 Stephen Colbert, for his testimony at a House hearing on immigrant farm labor
Oct 1 Atheists and agnostics--a survey shows they know more about religion than religious people
Oct 8 The Center for American Progress, for exposing the U.S. Chamber of Commerce's use of foreign money to campaign against Democrats in the midterm elections
Oct 15 The Chilean miners, the international team that rescued them, and the miners' families.
Oct 22 NPR, for giving Juan Williams the boot
Oct 29 Early voters and GOTV volunteers
Nov 5 Jon Stewart & Stephen Colbert, for their Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear
Nov 12 Keith Olbermann, for returning to Countdown after a brief "indefinite suspension"
Nov 19 Staff Sgt. Salvatore Giunta, who received the Medal of Honor from President Obama
Dec 3 The House, for voting to renew tax relief for middle-class Americans but not millionaires and billionaires
Dec 10 Democrats, led by Bernie Sanders and his 8-hour Senate floor speech, who pushed back against the tax-cut "compromise"
Dec 17 Wikileaks' Julian Assange, who got sprung from jail, and Michael Moore for helping post his bail
Dec 24 (unofficially, by BiPM decree) Everyone who had a hand in turning control of the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy over to the president for proper disposal
Meanwhile, below the fold is the thrilling conclusion of our 2010 Flashback series, 2010: The Slightly Less Sucky Times Are Back, Baby! As we await the descent of the giant ball in Times Square, all the writers, editors, gaffers, key grips, fuzzy critters and caterers at C&J wish you a festive weekend and a tolerable 2011 stuffed with cash, pie, basic sanitation and much gettingalongness.
Cheers and Jeers goes wayback below the fold... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [GONG!!]
Note: C&J will be off Monday in early observance of Easter. We'll return with pop guns blazing on Tuesday. Happy New Year!
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By the Numbers: C&J poll results from October through December, 2010
Percent of Kossacks who do not believe the U.S. Chamber of Commerce when it says it has a system in place to prevent foreign money from being spent supporting Republican campaigns during this election season: 95%
Percent who say Republican candidates have fled from the media more often because they don't want voters to know stuff about them or their views: 92%
Percent of you who favor abolishing Daylight Saving Time: 58%
Percent who are enthusiastic about Nancy Pelosi remaining in charge of House Democrats as Minority Leader: 80%
Percent who "kinda" miss seeing and hearing 2010 election campaign ads: 6%
Percent of Kossacks who would strip for charity: 39%
Percent who think the unemployment rate will be, respectively, over 10 percent, between 9-10 percent and lower than 9 percent in December, 2011: 25%, 29%, 41%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Ending 2010 with a really BIG finish!
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Cheers and Jeers 2010 Flashback: October
Rahm Emanuel, who called us "fucking retarded" a while back, resigns as the White House chief of staff. The new guy, Pete Rouse, went to Colby College in Maine, loves pooties and is a "lifelong bachelor." What's not to like?
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Yank Bob Dudley replaces twit Brit Tony Hayward as the new CEO of BP. Dudley has a big job ahead of him as he tries to create a situation in which the company's reputation is restored. He says he hopes to complete his wayback time machine by Thanksgiving.
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Christine O'Donnell, sensing that only a hail-Mary pass will save her in the closing days of the election, opens her latest ad with a line that's like an SNL sketch: "I'm not a witch. I'm you" I see: Christine O'Donnell is a gay dude from Maine who's a flaming liberal and wears underwear on his head.
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MSNBC unveils its new slogan: "Lean Forward." Exactly the same as C&J's motto except we add four extra words: "...and pull mah finger."
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Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo wins the Nobel Peace Prize. The Chinese government is pissed, calling the award "blasphemy against the peace prize." The Nobel committee responds, "Tough titty," just before awarding itself the Nobel Sassy Prize.
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Revealed: an Ohio Republican candidate for Congress is fond of dressing up as a Waffen SS dude and taking part in re-enactments of (we presume) the famous Nazi blitzkrieg invasion of Toledo. Rich Iott was listed as one of the GOP's new rising stars in their "Young Guns" movement, but they yank his name off their web site faster than tanks rolling through Poland. Says a GOP campaign official: "We had no idea his gun was a Luger."
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All 33 Chilean miners are brought up safe and sound after a months-long ordeal that at times looked mighty bleak. The entire world celebrates the rescue and comes together in the spirit of hope, love, and renewed optimism for a brighter future for earth and all her inhabitants. In other news: giant asteroid heads straight for earth. Film at 11.
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Think Progress identifies "at least 84 foreign companies that actively donate to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce’s 501(c)(6). ... to run partisan attack ads." Their goal: anonymously buying a "business-friendly" congress. The Chamber vigorously denies the allegations via representatives staffing the phones at its public relations call center in New Delhi.
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After advocating for border security emulating East Germany's, Alaska Senate hopeful Joe Miller allows his "security team" to manhandle and handcuff a reporter at a public event. The security team---which never identifies itself either by company or individual name---tries and fails to shoo away other reporters documenting the melee, and is later discovered to be "not licensed for providing security services." Three guesses which party Miller belongs to.
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U.S. District Judge Virginia Phillips rejects a stay requested by the Pentagon, thus giving the green light for openly gay Americans to enlist in the military for the first time without having to conceal their sexual orientation. One of the first in line is Lt. Dan Choi, who got kicked out of the Army in June. When he's finished signing up, he tells reporters that the Army's brush with gayness didn’t destroy the institution: "They didn’t disintegrate in there. Unit cohesion is doing just fine." What a---[Yawn]---surprise.
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A new report says that the FBI's super-awesome bad-guy-catching computer system is incomplete, late and over budget. On the bright side, their porn downloading software works flawlessly.
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Paranormal Activity II takes in more than $41 million in its opening weekend. It's about an evil entity that unleashes powerful and anonymous forces that threaten to destroy average Americans by controlling their lives from the netherworld. Or, as most people call it: the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.
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Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear turns out to be a total failure because the entire event---from the performers to the three-times-higher-than-expected crowd size---is INsane!!! Plus no fear was restored. Plus Glenn Beck's August rally was simply a funnier comedy show.
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November
Midterm House results: The good news is, we didn’t lose 435 seats in the midterm elections. The bad news is, we seem to have lost 434. Someone wake up the phoenix...we got some risin' from the ashes to do.
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Harry Reid squeaks out a victory and wins another term in the Senate. Sharron Angle concedes and starts training for the 100-meter fleeing-from-the-media sprint at the 2012 Olympics.
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Due to a really bad case of sour grapes on the part of opponent Christine O'Donnell, Chris Coons takes the oath as the first candidate-turned-into-a-toad to become a sitting United States senator.
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Tea Partiers publicly pee their pants over the election of Rand Paul as a United States senator...and then privately poop their pants thinking about what their lives will be like if he makes good on a single campaign promise.
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Democratic winners in the midterms: Patrick Leahy and Chris Coons. Chuck Schumer and Dick Blumenthal. Kirsten Gillibrand and Barbara Mikulski. Jim Gray, the new and openly-gay mayor of Lexington Kentucky. Barney Frank. Deval Patrick, who coasts to his guv win in Massachusetts. Lincoln Chafee, back in the political saddle as Rhode Island's governor and John Hickenlooper, who wins the governorship in Colorado. Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer--woo hoo!
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Twenty percent of Mainers elect a gaffe-prone Republican, Paul LePage, as governor. Maine Democrats also lose control of both the House and Senate for the first time since 1974. And Mainers give the green light to a full-service, honest-tuh-gawd resort casino. So now we're bracing ourselves for a disaster we haven't seen in our state's 190-year history: Carrot Top Live!
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Congratulations, all you crazy San Francisco gays, hippies, geeks and pagans because---THE GIANTS WIN THE SERIES!!! THE GIANTS WIN THE SERIES!!! THE GIANTS WIN THE SERIES!!! Four games to one. Which, coincidentally, is what the margin of victory will be for the Red Sox next year over the Giants.
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Eugenie Blanchard of St. Barts, who held the title of World's Oldest Woman, dies the age of 114. Doctors say she was done in by an acute case of being born in 1896.
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Former President George W. Bush releases his book, Decision Points. Book stores across the nation report widespread vandalism as copies of it are shredded, spat on, and defaced with magic markers. Even by a few Democrats.
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Keith Olbermann gets suspended from work because he didn’t ask for permission from the brass before making a few political campaign contributions. 200,000 people sign a petition on his behalf. He tweets:
Greetings From Exile! A quick, overwhelmed, stunned THANK YOU for support that feels like a global hug & obviously left me tweetless XO
He's back on the air in a couple days after management huddles with their cash cow and come to a mutually beneficial udderstanding.
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On day six of his Asian tour, President Obama visits South Korea, seeing the sights and working on a trade deal. It comes on the heels of a mostly nostalgic and successful stop in Indonesia. I say "mostly" because some citizens there were skeptical---namely, "birthers" who accuse him of being a secret Christian capitalist who was born in the United States.
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Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) becomes the first successful senatorial write-in candidate to win in 56 years, clobbering Sarah Palin decisively via Joe Miller's stunning, humiliating, clumsy defeat at the hands of write-in voters in the heart of tea party country, thus tarnishing the entire tea party brand, perhaps irrevocably. Refudiate that, beeyotch.
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Arizona becomes the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. Just what we need: more paranoid Arizonans.
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Jaws drop as Pope Benedict XVI gives the green light for male prostitutes in Africa to use condoms. Not because he thinks condoms help slow the spread of HIV, but because he believes that any male prostitute who uses a condom because he thinks it will slow the spread of HIV will have theoretically started down the path to morality. Moments later, doctors say they've discovered something that kills the HIV virus dead: the pope's logic.
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The latest batch of Wikileaks land with a giant Sploosh! Among the revelations: Arab countries are begging the United States to declare war on Iran, China thinks of North Korea as a spoiled child, Italy's prime minister is fond of all-night orgies, and France's Nicolas Sarkozy wears Napoleon jammies to bed. Analysts say they hope the next document dump produces some actual surprises.
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Kossacks bid a fond farewell to front-page Featured Writer exmearden. From her her February C&J interview:
I am curious if there really is a restaurant at the end of the universe, and if I need to make reservations. Silly, I know, but sometimes I dream of that kind of dilemma.
That's all, folks.
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December
Nigeria issues an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Americans vow that if he ends up in the slammer they'll forgive the country for all the spam.
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Over one billion of the newly-designed $100 bills end up sitting in storage because they're defective. China says its very unhappy that we broke their money.
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Elizabeth Edwards dies at 61. Effing cancer. She relentlessly moved the ball forward for progressives, set an example for how to live life to its fullest even in the face of adversity, and exemplified the Golden Rule. My one-word eulogy: "Dammit."
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AIG---a primary culprit in the 2008 Wall Street collapse---says its paying back what it owes from its federal bailout. The firm vows to never make the same mistakes again that almost plunged the nation into a second Great Depression. They'll do it instead with a bunch of totally different mistakes.
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Michael Steele announces he's re-running for chairman of the RNC, a job that apparently involves destroying the RNC.
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Weekly jobless claims are announced. The main claim announced is, "I ain't got no job."
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New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announces that he is not running for president in 2012. His exact words: "No way, no how." To which people all across the country reply: "Who are you and what are you talking about?"
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America discovers what it takes to get the current House, Senate, and President to come together in a spirit of bipartisanship: sloppy legislation that contains stuff everybody hates, ignores the deficit, doesn’t provide relief for people who have been unemployed longer than 99 weeks, and gets plowed through Congress at the speed of light with little debate. And sprinkles on their cupcakes.
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Michele Bachmann is given a seat on the House Intelligence Committee. Hours after hearing the news, Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano is resting comfortably under sedation.
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Republicans obstruct and kill the DREAM Act, which would offer a path to citizenship---via college achievement or military service---for kids whose parents brought them here illegally. Think Hispanics will remember that in 2012?
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House Republicans also obstruct and kill a bill---co-sponsored by 112 colleagues and previously passed unanimously by the Senate---that would prevent girls from being forced into child marriages. Okay. That's just creepy.
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Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour tries to rewrite southern history by saying a racist business group in Yazoo City wasn't really racist. He fails:
Barbour happens to be dangerously ignorant. As Matt Yglesias noted, "The Citizens' Councils were, right in the state of Mississippi where Barbour is from, the respectable face of white supremacist political activism." Josh Marshall added that these Citizens' Councils were so transparently racist, the conservative mainstream "would have nothing to do with them." But from Barbour's twisted perspective, he's inclined to credit these white supremacists for keeping Mississippi calm during the civil rights era.
But Republicans get the dog-whistle message loud and clear: "I's one 'o yew."
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On a single day, President Obama signs the 'Don't ask, don't tell' bill into law, the START arms control treaty is ratified, the 9/11 responders get their supplemental medical care, a food safety bill gets the green light, Dan Choi gets his West Point ring back from Senate Majority Ninja Harry Reid, Senate Democrats pledge to at least partially de-fang the filibuster, and Obama holds a news conference to remind us again how truly great it is to have a president who speaks in complete sentences. Slackers.
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Epilogue: And with the proper medication and lots of yoga, they all lived happily ever after.
Game over.
The End
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