The theory of gravity, which has been scientifically sound for hundreds of years, has suddenly been put in doubt. At 9:00 this morning a big gust of wind swept through capital hill sending plastic bags up, blankets off the ground, and hats off people's heads. Needless to say, gravity has come under fire. Numerous GOP leaders have rushed to voice their opinion on this shocking event.
Senator James Inhofe held nothing back:
So now we're expected to believe that there's something holding us down to earth when I clearly saw stuff go up? That's the Democrats for you. We've been lied to for hundreds of years and I've had enough of it. Al Gore, noted gravitiest, can get off his airplane, which by the way manages to go through the air despite some mythical force supposedly making things fall, and face the people's wrath!
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had this to say:
To believe that objects will attract to each with force depending on their mass is laughable. After all, the earth is so huge and the sun is just a tiny ball up in the sky, but it hasn't moved towards us at all. Ha! Gravity is just an excuse for big government spending on useless government waste, like bridges. This recent gust of wind has proved that we don't need anything like that.
Former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin went right for the source:
So we're supposed to believe what some guy named Newton said hundreds of years ago? Did you know Newton wasn't even an American? So the gravitiests are paling around with foreigners while the liberal news media ignores it and instead attacks my kids. But we know the truth; the bible says "He spreads out the northern skies over empty space; he suspends the earth over nothing." That's good enough for me. I knew global dropping was a fake the moment my pen flew off my hand during that big gust of wind.
GOP voters have made their opinion clear in this Rasmussen poll as reported by Fox News:
In light of objects clearly going up in a big gust of wind, do you believe gravity?
Yes: 24%
No: 66%
Gravity is a fascist lie to keep the people from rising up against socialism: 88%
Democratic leadership is not optimistic about the chance to pass anything in relation to this controversial theory; An aid to Senator Reid remarked:
After this big gust of wind, we can forget about passing anything during this congress which relies on the theory of gravity, such as Airline regulation, structurally sound buildings, or NASA. We only have 59 Democrats in the caucus, and in light of this recent gust of wind, we don't have even 50 votes for gravity based legislation. We have to be more realistic with only an 18 seat majority.
The Texas Board of education is expected to remove any mention of gravity from Texas text books, and other states could very well follow suit. With news of this upcoming decision, the theory of gravity is unlikely to stand up against the strength of this recent gust of wind. Many speculate that the heliocentric theory of the solar system may come under similar fire when the sun sets tonight.