This month will be my parent’s anniversary. They were married 2 days before my birthday – many years before I was born – but I used to call them up every year and ask – that wasn’t it lucky that they got married just before I was born? I know a corny inside family joke... It has been three years since I have been able to have that joke with them. My father passed three and 1/2 years ago and my mother three and 1/4 years ago.
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Relationships – do we truly understand what goes on between 2 people? We, my family, all were surprised that my mother died – my father out lived his twin by over 20 years – and lived much longer than most in his side of the family. My mother much shorter – we thought she would be around for another ten. But they died closely. Many people said they must have loved each other, or it was a great love affair but at the time I really did not know or really understand their relationship as they had as husband and wife – I only understood them from being their daughter from my perspective it seemed a bit tumultuous.
I have learned more/understood more about their relationship since their death. At my father memorial service, many spoke about the great achievements that he accomplished and the people that he impacted and changed. I then saw with clarity my mother's role, in this partnership, which I had never understood. I turned to my mother and told her – now I understand – how great you are – he could not of achieved this without you. I knew then without her support/anchor he could fly off in not look back because he knew she was there for him. I never really understood that until his death. I knew that he was great but not truly understanding how great my mother was for him.
The relationship that I saw with my parents was like fire and water – my mother was artistic, fiery and impulsive, my father was methodical and cerebral. In each of them had a little of the other’s qualities – so that they probably understood the other’s qualities. But both of them saw their possibilities unlimited and had great dreams. I asked my mother – one of her moments of railing about my father – why she married him – and her reply was – because he was going somewhere and going to do things. And he did and they did.
After they died – I felt a strong need to understand my roots trying to fill up the holes that they left. On sifting through the boxes of personal belongings (such an inadequate way of describing their pieces of their lives) I found a letter my father wrote to my mother from Korea. My father served with the Marines – when he got his papers to go overseas – asked my mother to get married and they were married 2 weeks later.
My mother had kept the negligee that her girlfriends had bought her for her honeymoon – that was beautifully made – but breathtakingly sheer – even with the robe on – completely covered but not. My mother told me that when she wore it - my dad did not know what to do – but I guess they figured it out because my brother was born 9 months and 2 days later. I still have her ‘going away’ suit she wore (and yes, I have the infamous negligee).
Back to the letter from Korea – it was from a young man gushingly in love – young love – every other line was how much he loved her – and then later in the letter – he said he had to take a break because one of the young men in his platoon had just shot himself. The love in the letter sounded like a man – that was trying very hard to focus on the good in his life – his new bride/love to help him deal with the death and destruction surrounding him. I felt a bit like a voyeur into their relationship – but it is also telling just how sobering war is.
That young man came home to his young wife – and had many children and traveled the world and left the world just a little bit better for being here. So thanks mom and dad and happy anniversary.
Here is a link to previous diaries in The Grieving Room series.
Thank you for celebrating with me my parents anniversary.