A little while back, in the middle of a Pootie Diary posted by the incomparable Triciawyse, "Queen of the Pooties", (hereinafter known as "QOTP"), I suggested that there should be an addition to the Pootie lexicon: Everybody knows that Pooties = Cats ‘n Kittehs and Woozles = Dogs. (Everybody who IS anybody that is – I cannot speak for those who do not acknowledge Pootiedom as a Superior Ethos). However, I maintained that the time had come for a heretofore underrepresented creature be given a proper name to lend substance to their incredible contribution to the Well Being of the Universe and take their proper place as a fundament in all things Pootie. Follow me over the fold, friends, and I shall further elucidate:
With the permission of Triciawyse (QOTP), henceforth all references to those members of family Equidae shall be designated "Moochers". Family Equidae include:
Horses, donkeys, mules, burros, zebra, asses*
*Except those who have been elected to office.
Having been given an official appellation in the Lexicon of all that is Pootie, it is now time for some education of the masses to begin. I have noticed that there is considerable sophistication among Pootie/Woozle afficianadii: Much pride is taken in knowing the distinguishing characteristics of a Russian Blue, a Calico, a Tuxedo, a Maine Coon Cat, a Manx, a Persian, Siamese, Burmese and so forth. Similarly, Woozle lovers delight in the display of Canidae minutiae. Therefore, this shall be the first of many (many, many, many) diaries designed to bring a similar familiarity in all things Moocher-esque. We shall begin with some basics:
First, it is important to remember that Moochers do not have owners. They have personal staff. All Personal Staff to Moochers ("PSM") have taken a vow of poverty. The vow is specific to each Moocher, but in general PSM’s must promise that of all things material and spiritual, physical and metaphysical, tangible and intangible, The Moocher Must/Will Have the Finest Available. It is a matter of fact, indeed of pride among PSM’s that Nothing Is Too Much To Sacrifice For The Moocher. A state of affairs wherein it is perfectly normal that I cannot afford to have my hair done (well, that’s okay for now, ‘cause I ain’t got no hair), but my veterinarian drives a Porsche. In addition, all Moochers subscribe to some version of a Vow to Impoverish, which is flexible enough to include economic catastrophe through (but not limited to) complete psychiatric breakdown for the PSM.
This is a Moocher:
You will note that among distinguishing characteristics of Moochers are 4 legs, proportionally long for the creature’s height, a lengthy neck, with a head set upon the end, and a tail, which can be of varying lengths and textures. This particular Moocher is shown outside its natural environment, where, in Moocher fashion, it devours Standard Currency whole (see "head") and excretes copious amounts of Moocher-Poop (fortunately biodegradable – highly desired by non-Moocher staff – fortunate as an additional source of revenue for PSM’s). This particular Moocher has chosen to impoverish its personal staff by performing the natural movements specific to the Paso Fino (see: http://www.pfha.org/...
While Moochers have some features generally in common, (footware prices that would put Manolo Blahnik to shame, dental care for which there is no deductible and an extensive wardrobe of robes de style that would not embarrass the Empress of Japan), Moochers do have some specific purposes for which their body types (conformation) deem them most suitable.
Moochers can be generally characterized as "Hotbloods", "Warmbloods" and "Coldbloods". (This leaves out additional sub-categories such as "Ponies" and "Miniature Horses)
(See: http://en.wikipedia.org/...
These particular Moochers are Thoroughbreds, the type of Moocher that is exclusively seen during such events as Triple Crown racing and is often, but not exclusively seen performing during Olympic events, on the fox hunting field, and various other venues calling for speed, agility, and the ability to scare the living daylights out of PSM in question.
This Moocher is an American Saddlebred, a lean, lithe Moocher somewhat analogous to a human dancer and having some of the same characteristics. Saddlebred Moochers all want to be finalists on Dancing With the Stars and can throw fits of pique that would make Paula Abdul seem positively stable. Pun certainly intended. (See: http://www.asha.net/...
(See: http://www.belgiancorp.com/
This is a "ColdBlood" Moocher. Note the general massiveness. This particular Moocher is a Belgian Draft Moocher, built for heavy freight hauling. Moocher’s of this nature generally have one forward speed, which is not terribly fast, but rather like the Titanic which they so closely resemble, the turning radii and breaking system are not equal to the propulsion apparatus. Therefore PSM’s of these Moochers must endure high maintenance costs due to destroyed fencing, barn doors, stalls, cross ties and gates.)
!
This Moocher is a Standardbred:
On the left are more Thoroughbreds. On the right is a Standardbred It may not look like the Moocher in question can go 38 mph without breaking a sweat - or breaking into a gallop, but they can. That's their claim to fame and Their Mission to Impoverish: Get them Not To. Try.
This concludes today’s Moocher Diary. I hope that it has proven educational. And I am glad to be part of the gang that yells April Fool’s! to the family at dKos