THE SCENE. Bill O'Reilly and his research staff are sitting around a conference room table at Fox News.
Bill: Thanks for being here, everybody, on such short notice. Look, we've got a problem. Sen. Coburn has taken an unfair swipe at Fox, claiming we've pushed this meme that people might go to jail because they don't have health insurance. Somehow, I think he's making that up. What should we do?
Staffer #1: Obama's a racist!
Bill: OK, OK, a good point, but I'm not sure how that helps us here.
Staffer #2: Death panels!
Bill: Again, I like where this is going, but I was thinking more along the lines of researching the issue to see if anyone on Fox has actually made this claim. Is there anyway to do that?
Staffer #1: Sorry, we don't have access to the internet here.
Staffer #2: Nor can we search any archives of Fox programming.
Bill: So we'd just have to guess?
Staffer #1: Right.
Staffer #2: Yup, that's right big guy.
Staffer #3: Wait! I realize that Glenn Beck might have said this on his own show on November 12, 2009, and I realize that on Fox & Friends on February 4, 2010 Rush Limbaugh might have said this, and I realize that Sean Hannity may have cited Dick Morris making this claim on November 10, 2010, and I realize that Bill Hemmer may have discussed this on America's Newsroom on March 19, 2010, and I suppose it's possible that Greta Van Susteren said this on her program on October 7, 2009, and I suppose in theory our web site may have posted this, and hypothetically our chyron writers may have included this claim, but...
Bill: ...but you'd be guessing and couldn't confirm any of that, right?
Staffer #3: Right. And the important thing I wanted to say was that I'm sure of one thing, and this is the most important thing. You and Glenn Beck never discussed this very issue and suggested it was possible on November 13, 2009 - on your own show.
Bill: Whew. Thank goodness. Because if any of that were true, not only would I look like a total idiot and be a confirmed liar, but it would suggest that neither myself nor any staff in the entire Fox operation knew how to do research.
Staffers #1, 2, and 3 in unison: Or even bothered to remember what was on this program!
Bill: Ha ha ha! OK, well, looks like we've solved another of America's problems. Thanks, team.
AND....SCENE.