Just an entertaining diary documenting my pal’s Minnesota Rally with whom we have dubbed the ‘Tea Tarts’. Hope it brings a little laughter to your day!
Texts from an inside operative at the Palin/Bachmann rally in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
April 7th, 2010 – Minneapolis Convention Center – 1:15pm
Agent M: I’m here. I am standing next to a woman with no teeth and her adult son has an odd limp. Why are these people opposed to health care reform again?
Lolly: I would say Darwinism, but I’m thinking that isn’t it. I can’t believe you’re giving up a day off work for this. You could be drinking and gambling all day like a respectable liberal.
Agent M: I had a stiff drink in the taxi over here. And now I’m gambling with my LIFE.
Lolly: You’re a white girl, just keep a low profile and project a lot of bitterness and rage.
Agent M: I know, but it’s hard. I got here too early. I’m too close to the front. What if they sense my fear?
Lolly: Oh please, they can’t even sense their OWN fear. If anyone starts to suspect anything, just act like you’re near tears. For motivation, remind yourself that these people are actually allowed to vote.
Agent M: Thank you. This helps.
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Agent M: Srry. I drank too much and I had to pee. Then this crazy chick started chatting me up about ‘Revolutions’.
Lolly: You didn't take a wide stance in the stall, did you?
Agent M: Wah.
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Agent M: These people are stone cold crazy! Woman two rows up is mumbling about sending Obama back to his real home - Iraq. What?
Lolly: Do you mean in that this is where she thinks he’s from? Her email forward about him being from Kenya must have been hacked.
Agent M: Apparently.
Lolly: Tell her it’s a proven fact that he isn’t from Iraq. Tell her they’ve discovered he might not be human at all, but a science experiment done by Nancy Pelosi. Everyone knows she's into witchcraft.
Agent M: No comment.
Lolly: What? If they’re spreading lies, they could at least be funny ones.
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Agent M : Bachmann said something about Pink Elephants. I got here early, so there’s no way I missed the ‘happy brownies’ and I have no clue what she’s talking about. Plus, PINK ELEPHANTS?! Does she know how to use Google.
Lolly: The ‘Google’ is the tool of the Devil, and Obama, or the same person depending on your denomination. You probably missed the brownies when you went to pee.
Agent M: That sucks. I’m hungry, too, but the vendors frighten me. There is a Muslim looking guy selling hot dogs. That’s one brave dude.
Lolly: Well, it’s a Tea Party, right? They only thing they promised to serve were the ‘Tarts.’
Agent M: LOL, wow that’s awesome. And totally not gender specific.
Lolly: Hell, No. When you sell yourself for the sake of personal gain you’re a Tart. Tim Pawlenty? Total tart.
Agent M: Totally. And I still think Coburn is a douchebag.
Lolly: Yeah, but I’m upgrading him to ‘fresh scent’.
Agent M: I hate you.
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Agent M: Palin looks off today. What’s with the all black and the massive amounts of bling?
Lolly: Talisman to ward off the likes of you.
Agent M: It’s working. That, and the music. I want to hide under something and click my heels together at this point. I swear, I think I actually see some woman FOAMING from her nostrils.
Lolly: You know, that’s probably what happened to Coburn. He worked a long time at his perfect GOP asshat routine only to have it crack a little when he realized he was surrounded by batshit crazy and his secret service guy was off taking a leak.
Agent M: Or chatting up a Young Eagle with a very wide stance.
Lolly: Indeed
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Lolly: What’s going on now?
Agent M: Some radio guy called Obama a lying commie. I think clicking my heels together actually worked. By the hairstyles and language, I’ve been transported back to 1985.
Lolly: No, no, their hair always looks like that. It’s how they can protect their brains from all those confusing and sinful facts.
Agent M: I should have borrowed my cousin’s bump –it. Palin keeps looking at Bachmann’s hair. They seem to genuinely like each other. Maybe too much. It’s sort of uncomfortable.
Lolly: Ew. I hope they aren't sending out a gay vibe, because really, Lesbians don't need those two soiling their good name.
Agent M: I know. Every Lesbian watching them on television just lost a little bit of her gay.
Lolly: Hold onto yours. Your wife can cook like nobody's business.
Agent M: I'm trying.
Lolly: Just picture Rush Limbaugh naked.
Agent M: Got my gay back. Thanks.
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Agent M: Bachmann just said something about being concerned about Obama being anti-American, then something about Nostradamus. Nostradamus said something about Obama? What? Also, hasn’t nearly everything that guy predicted been proven wrong?
Lolly: NOSTRADAMUS? WHAT? (Quote found later - "I said I had very serious concerns that Barack Obama had anti-American views, and now I look like Nostradamus")
Agent M: NOSTRA-FUCKING-DAMUS
Lolly: Okay, you’ve sacrificed enough. Get the hell out of there before they start rounding up people without that ‘rabid deer in the headlights’ look and using them for target practice.
Agent M: I’m going. Bachmann is starting to tell War stories and the guy next to me is shouting in my ear.
Lolly: Make sure you get in there good with a Q-Tip tonight.
Agent M: I will. Just in case the crazy is contagious.
Lolly: It is, but only if you rock the bump-its.
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Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed chatting with Agent 'M'. (Thanks Michelle, I love you and I appreciate you risking your life just to get a firsthand account of the crazy.)