The snark has been flying vis-à-vis the most recent Supreme Court Nomination by President Barack Obama (or what I call the SNOWCONE: Supreme Nomination Of a Woman Certain to be Our Nation’s Ending). I’m here to cut through all those tongues and cheeks and give you the straight dope on this eminent threat to our very existence, Elena Kagan.
Much has been speculated about the possible newest member of the highest court in the Judicial Branch, but this diary will set the record straight on this person and convince all of you that she much not be confirmed. My information is all fact, so I’m going to save you the time of verifying my sources by not linking to any, nor mentioning any at all.
I will begin with listing all of the things Elena Kagan is NOT, which she probably should be to make a good Supreme Court Justice:
- A cyborg from the planet Jeauxjeauxbea
- My best friend and drinking buddy
- Licensed to kill
- A small woodland creature that can psychically communicate with Disney© Princesses
- John Paul Stevens
- Predator
- The housekeeper you suspect of taking 20 bucks from your wallet while your were at the pool that one time
- A jazz playing robot
- A Scientologist
- The discoverer of a cure for cancer
- Sepp Blatter, President of FIFA
Here’s a list of the things I have found out about Elena Kagan that make her unfit to wear the robe:
- Is not John Paul Stevens
- Went to Harvard (George W Bush went there! Enough said)
- Weighs the same as a duck
- Enjoys long walks on the beach
- Will not rest until the human race is enslaved by rogue manufacturing robots
- Failed to guess my weight within five pounds but refused to give me that cute stuffed frog
- The elusive sixth Spice Girl
- A member of the Galactic Senate (potential schedule and interest conflict)
- Posessed by the spirits of zombie Ronald Reagan and Lee Harvey Oswald
- The embodiment of all that is bad about the Obama Presidency, specifically all the stuff George W Bush told him to do during their nightly conference calls
- A cyborg (but not from the planet Jeauxjeauxbea)
So what does all this mean? I suppose this would be a good spot for some analysis so I’ll placate the great washed masses.
If you could not tell from my lists, Elena Kagan is clearly not the ideal candidate for the Supreme Court. What we really need is a fiery liberal with two activist conjoined twins who can swing the court to a 6-5 progressive advantage. Or is it possible to trade Alito and Scalia for Derek Jeter and a first round draft pick? I admit I have no idea how this Supreme Court stuff works, so I’ve been watching Fox News to educate myself. Glenn Beck has a chalkboard so I assume I is learnin from him. Thank you for reading my important information.
To conclude, Elena Kagan is a secret Muslim America Hater. Fact.