Hi, I'm anod and this is a story.
I wanted to be a writer 35 years ago.
My father was instrumental in steering me away from that profession.
"You'll never make any money doing that"
And without my mother there to counterbalance my father's pragmatism, to advocate for me, I rebelled. Part of that rebellion involved smoking.
GUS (Gave Up Smoking) is a self-sustaining community support diary for Kossacks in the midst of quitting smoking. Any supportive comments, suggestions or positive distractions are appreciated. If you are quitting or thinking of quitting, or have quit, please -- join us!
You can also click the GUS tag to view all diary posts or access the GUS Library at dKosopedia for a great list of stop-smoking links and helpful information about quitting. Check it out!.
My dad grew up during the Great Depression and the Second World War. He was always about harsh realities and earning a living and "bootstraps." He served in the Army during the Korean War and came home to a job in the photo-engraving and printing industry at Universal Match in St. Louis. Yep, that's right. Matchbooks. Close Cover Before Striking matchbooks. Because business was "booming" at Universal Match before, during and for some time after the Korean War.
http://books.google.com/...
The printing and engraving connection with matchbooks was, and still is, the inexpensive advertising. When I started this simple story I was really unaware of the impact matchbook advertising had on 20th century American culture. It can't be underestimated. A bowl or box of matchbooks next to the cash register was a mainstay of nearly all types of businesses for decades. And it's the advertising aspect of those miniature billboards that led my dad into the career he would have for all of his adult life. My dad became a salesman.
My dad, Joe, was a salesman and my dad loved being one. It was his life. And not unlike a lot of people, his job history carried him from one related field to another. From Universal Match to Polychrome, a printing and ink supplier, to Imperial Metals, a die and cast company, to Shapiro Sales, one of the largest recyclers of non ferrous metal in St. Louis for years. He drove all through the midwest during the 60's and 70's, usually with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He could let the entire cigarette turn to ash before he'd take it out of his mouth and flick it out the window, never once dropping any on his pants or the car seat. I swear I witnessed it often and its still the stuff of legends in my family.
Going back to the pocket combustibles I started with, of course the fate of matchbooks and smoking in this country are inexorably linked. And of course both my mother and father smoked. That's really not surprising since more than 4 in 10 Americans smoked during the 1940's, 1950's and 1960's.
http://www.gallup.com/...
It's also really not surprising that Universal Match is where my parents met. And growing up, I never once doubted that my parents deeply loved each other. They were made for each other. Even today I am unable to convey in mere words how special their relationship was. Theirs was a true match made in heaven.
When my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1967, the only alternative was radical mastectomy.
It wasn't enough.
She suffered for five years, in and out of the hospital.
I was just 11 years old when she died in 1972.
Back then, cancer really was a death sentence.
And back then people just didn't talk about breasts in "polite" company and certainly not to children.
I know how much it devastated me, but it's taken me nearly 40 years, and me becoming a parent myself, to realize how much my dad was wrecked by it. Not only did it wreck him inside emotionally, but it reinforced his "hard knocks" perspective on life. That perspective was what he tried to impose upon me and I wanted no part of it. I finished high school and attended two full years of college but without any parental support concerning what I wanted to be, what I was supposed to be, and someone telling me that money was the only way to happiness, I dropped out. My dad went on to remarry and live out his working career as a salesman. He's in a nursing home now, with middle to late stage Alzheimer's.
I've gone on to marry and have two children and have worked in the retail industry for the last 20+ years. I've actually been at my current job for more than 10. I have been consistently treated fairly and with dignity and respect. Truth be told, I'm about as lucky a guy as one could be. I have a wife who still loves me after 27 years, two wonderful children, a decent job, health, health insurance, a wonderful extended family, two great cats, HEY Chrissy!!!! HEY Peaches!!!!......
But there's always that voice of conscience telling me to do what I always wanted to do.
"I can do better"
I am really nervous about writing this diary. I've been paralyzed by fear in general like agoraphobia and social phobia for a long time. I've been depressed enough to attempt suicide more than once. Each time my therapist and psychiatrist got me back to functional, and I went about the task of living my routine life again. My last attempt actually helped me to quit smoking. I'd had pneumonia and was on the verge of quitting smoking when I overdosed on my medication. Deliberately. Because that's how little I thought (or think) of myself.
"I can do better"
I'm under no illusion that I'm a writer. That takes talent and practice, and I haven't had a lot of the latter. What I do know is I am more than capable of expressing myself thoughtfully and coherently. Maybe even enough so that other people might want to read me. I'm genuinely thrilled to have an opportunity to write something here, at this site. This site inspires me. It makes me want to do stuff. Good stuff.
"I can do better"
Writing this was something that my current therapist encouraged me to do. It was an agreed upon "assignment." It has had the desired effect. I feel good about myself. And no matter what else, that's what is important, at least for me. Troll and flame away if you feel the need, but my self esteem is in remarkably good shape today.
It's day 534 on my cigarette/nicotine quit clock.
I've saved nearly $2700 USD by not smoking 10,680 cigarettes.
Holy crap!! That's a lot!!
I've got a couple things to end on a matches note because being "matched" correctly, whether it's to a person, a profession, a doctor, a pet, a support group, or just the right frame of mind, makes all the difference in the world.
If you've ever wondered how powerful matches really are I've included the links to Myth Busters on the Discovery Channel lighting a million matches on fire:
http://www.youtube.com/...
and shooting a bowling ball like a cannonball with 60,000 matches:
http://www.youtube.com/...
I'm closing with a song from The Style Council, with Tracey Thorn (she's from Everything But The Girl) as guest vocalist.
I'll be hanging around in the comments section for a while, hopefully offering support and encouraging anyone who happens to drop by.
It's an open thread, feel free to share your own story and thanks for reading mine.
Current members of the GUS team:
1BQ, 3rdGenFeminist, Abra Crabcakeya, addisnana, AfroPonix, aishmael, Alpha99, ambeeeant, American in Kathmandu, amk for obama, andsarahtoo, Anne933, anodnhajo, aoeu, aquarius2001, arcadesproject, Archie2227, Arthur Wolf (in memoriam), assyrian64, awkawk, b4uknowit, bamablue, BARAKABETH, barnowl, bdizz, beatpanda, BFSkinner, bgblcklab1, Bike Crash, BirderWitch, bleeding heart, blingbling65, blue husky, Blue Intrigue, bluestatedem84, BoiseBlue, Brahman Colorado, breedlovinit, BrenP, BrowniesAreGood, bsmechanic, burrow owl, CathodeRay, cee4, Cen Den, ChocolateChris, ChurchofBruce, Cleante, Colorado is the Shiznit, coloradomomma, Common Sense Mainer, coppercelt, dadanation, dangoch, Dauphin, demkat620, Dexter, DiegoUK, Dingodude, distraught, dolfin66, donnamarie, Donna O, DRo, droogie6655321, duckhunter, EdgedInBlue, effervescent, El barragas, ericlewis0, Everest42, Ex Con, fhamme, Fineena, fiona2, fishhawk, Flea, FlipperWaves, flumptytail, FrugalGranny, Garrett, Gator, gchaucer2, Geiiga, Georgianna Darcy, GN1927, gooderservice, gooners, gravlax, greylox, grndrush, GrumpyWarriorPoet, Haole in Hawaii, HeyMikey, hideinplainsight, High Tide, hiliner68, hulibow, I love OCD, Im a frayed knot, imisa, Indexer, indyada, Interceptor7, inventor, itsbenj, Jahiz, JamesEB, janl1776, jbou, Jeffersonian Democrat, jmadlc55, Joe's Steven aka Steven, john07801, johngoes, jsfox, JVolvo's Mom, jwinIL14, Jyrinx, kai99, kailuacaton, Kelly of PA, kestrel9000, khloemi, Khun David, Kitsap River, Kodiak54, Ksholl, labwitchy, Lady Kestrel, ladypockt, Lahdee, langerdang, LarsThorwald, last starfighter, Laurie Gator, Lipstick Liberal, litoralis, lmdonovan, lockewasright, longislandny, luvsathoroughbred, maggiemay, magicsister, mango, Marc in KS, marknspokane, maryabein, Matt Esler, mdemploi, Micburke, michael1104, Mikeguyver, MillieNeon, Minerva1157, MinervainNH, Missys Brother, Morague, Mr Bojangles, mrsgoo, mskitty, msmacgyver, MsWings, nannyboz, ncsuLAN, Nick Zouroudis, notgivingup, NY brit expat, operculum, one pissed off democrat, OrangeMike, Ordvefa, OverTheEdge, paige, PaintyKat, paradox, parryander, Pennsylvanian, phrogge prince, Positronicus, post rational, Proud Mom and Grandma, psycho liberal, ptolemynm, Purple Priestess, PvtJarHead, real world chick, red mittens, Reepicheep, relentless, revelwoodie, revsue, Rex Manning, rexymeteorite, RiaD, rickeagle, ridemybike, rincewind, rkex, roadlion, Roger Fox, Rosebuddear, Rudini, Safina, SallyCat, Sark Svemes, sboucher, scooter in brooklyn, Scrapyard Ape, seenaymah, sfbob, sgary, Shahryar, sheddhead, shmuelman, slowbutsure, smartcookienyc, smeesq, snoopydawg, snorwich, SoCalHobbit, sofia, soonergrunt, sowsearsoup, SpecialKinFlag, spmozart, SpotTheCat, Statusquomustgo, tallmom, Tay, ThAnswr, theatre goon, TheStoopingRabbit, TigerMom, tiredofcrap, tonyahky, Treefrog, triciawyse, trueblueliberal, ttanner, Turn VABlue, Turtle Bay, uc booker, Unduna, Unforgiven, Vacationland, valadon, Vayle, waytac, webranding, weelzup, Wes Opinion, willy be frantic, willy mugobeer, Wood Dragon, wolfie1818, Wordsinthewind, Wreck Smurfy, x, yet another liberal, Zotz
Sign up in the BUTT CAN if you would like to be added to the GUS Buddy List. We'd love to have you join us!
So you've had some experience with the effects of smoking, and want to write a GUS diary or host an open thread? Please sign up in the Butt Can (Tip Jar), and name the day and time that works for you (AM, PM, late-night, early-bird...)
Asterisks indicate regular GUS diary time slot:
Wed AM: anodnhajo
Wed PM: gravlax
Thu AM: **Colorado is the Shiznit**
Thu PM: Open
Fri AM: flumptytail
Fri PM: **rexymeteorite**
Sat AM: **bsmechanic**
Sat PM: Open
Sun AM: bgblklb1?
Sun PM: **Safina**
Mon AM: Open
Mon PM: Open
Tue AM: **FrugalGranny**
Tue PM: **aoeu**
Diarists: to get a customized embed code for GUS blockquotes, email bsmechanic35 at yahoo dot com. Specify which ones you would like (mission statement, buddy list, diary schedule), and they will be sent via inline text.