Memo: If you put the words "In 3-D" in your movie trailers/promos, there is an increased likelihood that my money will stay "in pocket". Calm down with the 3-D, Hollywood.
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Ask the Editor
And now, I present a feature called “Ask the Editor”, where people ask me all sorts of random questions, and I attempt to answer them.
Here goes:
Q: What’s all the commotion about? I just went out there and did my job. I mean, my job is striking people out, isn’t it? –Steve, DC
Steve,
Welcome to Washington. After that performance, the only way you could be more popular in this town is if you threw five touchdowns and beat the Cowboys at the same time. Enjoy it. Because when McNabb and John Wall debuts for the Skins and Wizards respectively, you’ll be yesterday’s news. Or in an Eastern Motors ad.
Q: Um…so…I just got kicked out of school. Any advice? –J.M. from Eugene
Dear J.M.,
You have a problem. Seek professional help. Not that I have a problem, really, with the ganja—I don’t smoke it, or anything—but you gotta decide whether you want to play football or smoke the shit. If you want to do one, you can't do the other. Ask Ricky Williams. So, you got some choices to make. But Sally M. is probably disappointed in you. Best of luck.
Q: Damn it! The Blackhawks just won the Stanley Cup! I know this is Obama’s fault! I will be issuing a legal challenge—
Orly, stop. Seriously. I’ll be sending the nice young men in those white coats to your dental office/law office/house shortly.
Q: I WON! HOW YA LIKE ME NOW!? –Blanche, from Arkanas
Dear Senator,
Um…I still don’t like you, and neither do any of the unions. I will be amazed if you climb that steep mountain and make the summit. But at what cost, Senator? At what cost?
Q: You gonna watch my special on Monday or what? I promise you it will be hard-hitting! –C.M., DC
Dear C.M.,
In a word, no. And another thing; aren’t we all tired of these documentaries about how the conservatives in the U.S. are all pissed? I mean, it was infuriating enough to sit through Alexandra Pelosi’s HBO deal last year; now you, C.M., with another one of these dumb specials? Come on. Stop giving these dunderheads attention—why don’t you do a documentary on how all these conservative policies in regulatory process led to one of the worst fuckups of all time, the Deepwater Horizon/BP Oil Spill? Or is that too fucking much to ask of you people?
Finally:
Q: Did you see my new show this weekend? Me and my kids? –KG
KG,
In order for me to watch you, I demand payment of no less than $15,000 PER EPISODE. And Sonic Tater Tots. And Insurance to cover my hospital bill for the aneurysm watching that show will inevitably cause. Oh, also: GO. AWAY.
IT'S FONZ NIGHT ON THE LATE LATE SHOW! Yes, Henry Winkler is coming in to promote his show "Royal Pains" on USA Network. But first, TNT's Kyra Sedgwick is on to promote "The Closer". So actually, it's CABLE SERIES NIGHT on the Late Late Show.
Intro/Mono
JOHN WATERS: Local guy.
Oscar-nominated actress Taraji P. Henson.