July 7, 2010 - Cleveland, Ohio
In an unprecedented move, NBA star free agent LeBron James today announced that he would accept the best offer available to him, a recess appointment as Ambassador to Arizona.
In a prepared statement, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs commented, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!", while waving a big foam finger.
As the most impressive free agent available in at least a decade, Mr. James is known to have been fielding incredible offers including so-called "max deals" from the Cleveland Cavaliers, New York Knicks, Chicago Bulls, New Jersey Nets and Miami Heat. He is also rumored to have been offered Jay Leno's Tonight Show timeslot and a contestant gig on next season's "Top Chef".
"When it comes right down to it, I wanted to partner with Steve Nash", said Lebron, Wednesday. "Like my idol Hillary Clinton, I get to be a global icon. The basketball-playing thing would have been nice, but it was always optional." Asked what LeBron would actually do, Gibbs just smiled and said, "Two Words: Border Control".
The country's newest "Czar", is expected to get down to work immediately. The White House also announced LeBron's list of responsibilities. He'll be expected to give new meaning to "long arm of the law", using his near-7-foot wingspan to chase down suspected illegals. Cagey veteran that LeBron is, he's got a different take: "I plan to stand at the border with a pen to sign autographs", says LeBron. "People can step right from the autograph line to the Customs/ICE line and emigrate legally. Problem solved."
Asked for comment, the President waxed poetic, "It was a dream of mine to have LeBron play for my beloved Bulls. Alas, we stink. Given that LeBron flatly rejected 5-years/$60 Million from the Bulls, we just offered him his own printing press at the Treasury. That oughta do it."
To no one's surprise, Republicans want to know how LeBron will reduce the deficit. "This LeBron thing will break us! Hell no, you can't!" thundered John Boehner on the floor of the Senate this morning, "I want more unnecessary engines for the F-35! I want a blanket increase in Defense spending! This is a wasted expense! The American people got taken to the hole on this deal."
David Stern was not available for comment.