I'm aware that discussing politics in bars is one of the three things you never discuss in bars (the other two being "religion" and "philosophy," the former because it's a personal matter that people feel strongly about, and the latter because women just don't find a thorough knowledge of Nietzsche and Mill sexy; "I find intelligence sexy" my ass).
But it happens. We all know it happens. The news is on because there's no football or because you live in Chicago and we've pretty much given up on baseball, there's talk about this bill or that amendment, and suddenly you realize that the person you've been happily bullshitting with is a hardcore "Glenn Beck should run for President" Republican.
What should you do?
A mature person would politely suggest that they find some other topic so there's no resentment, anger, or stab wounds. A mature political junkie might politely debate for a few minutes, but then when the anger, resentment, or knives come out, would steer the conversation back to more friendly grounds ("....and that's why I think Jay Cutler is a dickhead.").
Then there's the sorts of things I say.
The following are a series of situations I found myself in while enjoying a beautiful day inside an air conditioned sports bar.
- Sitting next to a drinking acquaintance--someone you recognize when you're at the bar, and have friendly chats with, but not someone you would ever consider speaking to outside of an alcohol-soaked environment--the news is discussing the oil leak in the gulf. The media is doing the responsible thing by interviewing 12 people who blame Obama for the leak.
Your acquaintance turns to you and says, "Man, Obama really dropped the ball with this one. I hope he only has one term as President."
POLITE RESPONSE: A vague shrugging motion, sip of the drink, and then talking about how big of a disappointment Jay Cutler is.
POLITE POLITICAL JUNKIE RESPONSE: Quick overview of how deregulation and Republicans' love affairs with corporations are more to blame than anything, but let's not get all worked up over this. So, how many games will the Bears lose?
THEBLAZ'S RESPONSE: What a bunch of horseshit. Republicans and asshole corporate Democrats fucked up the country and they continue to do it because people like you believe everything they say instead of using your Goddamned brain. I swear, please don't vote.
Fucking Bears....
- The media is being responsible again by treating a planned grouping of 16 teabaggers as some sort of spontaneous movement that requires non-stop coverage.
Your acquaintance turns to you and says, "I think they make some good points, whites are now the minority and we need to watch our backs. I mean, we elected a black president, didn't we?"
POLITE RESPONSE: Shrug, sip, lousy Bears.
POLITE POLITICAL JUNKIE RESPONSE: Calm disagreement, assertion that racism is not over, and while it does exist on both sides, racism against whites is not nor has it ever been institutionalized like it is against others. Is Peppers going to help? Can anything help while Lovie Smith is still the coach?
THEBLAZ'S RESPONSE: That's the dumbest thing you've ever said, and you once told me you thought Dolph Lundgren was a good actor. White people are not in danger from racism, and half the country voting for a black man does not mean racism is over. It just means that the majority of people aren't idiots like you. Did you go to school, or did you just spend your childhood in a cave?
Seriously, what will it take for Lovie to get fired?
- Media being responsible, blah blah blah something where Sarah Palin is allowed to speak in public.
The idiot you're drinking with turns to you and somehow manages to speak a coherent sentence: "I think a lot of Americans like what they see in Sarah Palin. She's down to earth and a good, normal American. I'd like to see her run against Obama, I heard that 60% of people would vote for her."
POLITE RESPONSE: Shrug, careful sip to prevent choking on laughter, speculation that the Bears are fucked this year.
POLITE POLITICAL JUNKIE RESPONSE: Hidden smile, and vague agreement, secure in the knowledge that the more Palin speaks in public, the easier it would be for Obama to destroy her in a campaign.
THEBLAZ's RESPONSE: Are you fucking high? Palin is the dumbest political figure out there! If she is the standard for what a "normal American" is, then I'm surprised we still have electricity. And I'm really surprised you didn't have to stand up before pulling that "60%" statistic out of your ass. Why am I sitting by you? You're the worst.
You know, if we just had one top quality receiver, we could go all the way this year. I feel it, this is the Bears' year.
I could keep going, but you get the idea.
The bottom line is that it is possible to have calm, enjoyable debates about politics at a bar, but that depends heavily on all of the participants to have a solid grasp of the facts of the given situation.
Unfortunately, requiring a solid grasp on facts means that it's pretty much impossible to debate with a Republican in a bar, so you probably just shouldn't do it.
I'd like to conclude by going on the record right now, and stating that the Bears will win 13 games this season and be Superbowl champs.
THEY WILL.