As someone with a very healthy sexual lifestyle, I often find myself utterly baffled by the cultural duality that exists in our country when dealing with the topics of sex and sexuality. We have a culture in which, for most Americans, they'd rather see graphic, visceral violence than a topless female. Yet, at the same time, I've yet to meet a single person who doesn't truly enjoy the act of sex. I know there are some asexual people out there, but they are few and far between. Why is it that there is such a rift between what we enjoy as individuals and our cultural sensibilities as a whole, and what can we do to help our American culture "loosen up"?
Full disclosure: I'm not an expert in the field of sexuality, by a long shot. I'm not speaking from a psychological or academic standpoint, simply from my own personal experiences and observations regarding a topic that is incredibly interesting to me.
That being said, I can assure you that I am cut from a different sexual cloth than the majority of Americans. I'm 23, bisexual, married to a beautiful woman who is also bisexual. We, for the most part, share the same sexual interests, and consider ourselves swingers. In fact, as amazing as it is to me, my wife is actually far more sexually "liberal" than I am. We both love our lifestyle and have met a number of good friends through the lifestyle.
Now, on to the topic at hand. The paragraph above actually had two points to it. The first point was to give the reader an idea as to what my perspective is when it comes to sexuality, in order to properly frame the rest of my diary. The second, more discrete point, was to illustrate the effects of our sexual culture first hand. I tried my best to keep my description of myself as polite and informative as possible, yet I can comfortably say that many Americans, perhaps even some who've just read it, would feel at least slightly uncomfortable or, even worse, judgmental while reading that.
Our culture is so sexually repressed that it becomes nearly impossible to discuss the topic openly, which is one of the reasons the study of sexual health and human sexuality is so far behind in this day and age. In addition, I believe that this same cultural treatment of sexuality is also at least partially to blame for our continued struggle to get the country to accept homosexuality and grant the homosexual community equal rights. Why is that, and how can we change it?
My admittedly layman's opinion is that one of the larger contributors to this cultural sexual oppression is our religious history. Whether we like it or not, we have to acknowledge that our country has a pretty significant history with Christianity. While I do disagree with the false right wing talking point that we were created as "a Christian Nation", it's hard to disagree with the idea that our Founding Fathers weren't morally guided by their faith, whether that we for better or worse.
America has had a special connection with the Christian Faith that's driven the moral compass of our leaders and legislators for more than 200 years. It's this cultural history and the ongoing love affair the American Right has with Christianity, specifically, that has affected our cultural identity as a whole. Unfortunately, because one facet of Christian morality is the idea sexual behavior is immoral and wrong, unless it's between a married heterosexual couple, it's driven our culture away from sexual freedom.
So, how do we go about trying to foster a culture that promotes sexual freedom and doesn't stigmatize the many various kinds of perfectly healthy sexual behavior, such as masturbation, pre-marital sex, homosexual sex, and even the less practiced, but just as acceptable (and fun!) behaviors, such as threesomes, group sex, exhibitionism, and voyeurism (assuming everyone participating is comfortable with it, of course)?
I think the first step is to keep talking openly about it. Don't do it in an offensive fashion, obviously, but don't shy away from the topic, if you're comfortable with it. I think one of the greatest things that researchers and authors like Logan Levkoff, a PhD and self described Sexologist, are doing is illuminating and talking publicly about things that aren't usually discussed in polite company, and they are doing it in an informative and polite manner, attempting to reach as many people as possible. I believe that the more exposure our culture gets to the academic discussion of sexuality, the more accepting of it we will become.
Second, I think we need to accept, that when done safely, sex can be a fun and rewarding experience. Too much discussion about sex is focused on reproduction and/or emotional attachment. Lets face it. Sex is FUN. It's a spectacular way to relieve stress, a great workout, and boy does it get the endorphins pumping. Now, I am quite a bit more liberal with my sexual beliefs as most people, and obviously, not everybody will agree, but the way I see it, there are different kinds of sex. They all tend to be physically similar, but are separated by our emotional interpretations. For example, when my wife and I are together, the emotional connection is one of the biggest focuses. It's indescribable, and it results in some of the most intense, both emotionally and physically, experiences of my life. On the other hand, when we go and meet up with another couple who are great friends of ours, we all understand that what we are doing is just for fun. It's something different, it's very fun, and feels good, but there's no emotional attachment there. It's strictly just a fun recreation. The point I'm trying to make is that not every sexual "adventure" has to result in a grand emotional attachment, and sex is not just for two people who love each other. One of the most detrimental cultural beliefs that we have, not only in America, but elsewhere, as well, is that sex is only for two people who love each other and that loveless sex is somehow detrimental.
Finally, we need to, as a individuals, learn to separate our own personal moralities from those of others. This is incredibly difficult to do, but if we can get enough people to accept the fact that what you may find to be wrong is not necessarily what the next person does, we will find ourselves in a much more accepting and non-judgmental society. Personally, I fully understand that there aren't that many people who share the same view of sex and sexuality as I do. I don't judge them for it, and I certainly don't think that I should force them to participate in something they find objectionable. To each their own. If everybody in the country left well enough alone, we'd have a much more accepting and comfortable society to live in. Obviously, there will always be people like the Religious Right who seek to impose their morality on others, but as more people adopt a live and let live attitude, those who would oppress would certainly become weaker and weaker.
Luckily for people like myself, it seems like society certainly is progressing in the right direction when it comes to the discussion of sex and sexuality, and hopefully, as we progress as a society, we might all learn a thing or two about ourselves, as individuals, as well.
As I'm wrapping up, here, I'll leave you with this. One of the most important rules that my wife and I have, as swingers, is to make sure that EVERYBODY involved in a particular act is comfortable with it. We can expand this to apply to expanding our sexual identity as a culture, as well. Offending people and forcing them to discuss things they aren't comfortable about is not any way to get them to open up and explore the topic themselves. My goal in this diary was not to be offensive, but rather to expose those who may not be familiar with perspectives similar to mine on sexuality and how our American culture affects it.
IN REGARDS TO THE POLL: I'm actually relatively curious to see how the particular demographics play out on this site, regarding sexual behavior. Let's see what happens!