I read another diary Ode-to-Incarceration by Moe Masters and felt that my old diary needed a small update. It can be found here war on drugs
Please bear with me as I molt into my new cathartic skin...
Here I am a bit more than a year after my diary and I find myself still living the same if not a worse existence. I still struggle with my relatively minor issues, but they surely seem a huge mountain to me. Steady work work escapes my still somewhat bright mind. Yet, I do feel the lights are dimming as I continue to age. I shall soon see the age of 43 come to me in November and I cannot honestly see much of a future.
Efforts are made to work towards a future, but I find myself with no real home, no steady work, compounding physical issues, and no money saved. Yes I have made attempts to build a future and have had some work, albeit temporary. The job market shrinks ever tighter every day. Sleep problems still plague me and with no insurance, they will continue to due so. The one saving grace here is I rarely make it past a 35 to 40 hour passage of time before my body demands a rest. At that time, I manage to pass into a fitful sleep which certainly does not make me feel that much better upon awakening. My worsening arthritis, a nagging and untreated shoulder injury add to this dilemma. I occasionaly smoke some pot on the good graces of others, but with no regularity. I went a 9 month stretch with none at all and found that my mood swings are still there and they luckily have not worsened, but they have been altered somewhat. This alteration consists of a near euphoria, yet it is certainly not a pleasant one. My interest in both political and social issues has waned due to my deep concern over my own welfare. With my perceived premature aging and lack of any real future ( and only twinkles of hope and plans for my future) I have found myself on occasion considering committing some stupid crime which would require me to be incarcerated. Luckily, every time my thoughts dwell on this idea, a force from somewhere inside me begins to stir. I realize that is not a real choice. That is simply damning myself to torture.
I did find some work in the last two years. The job I am about to mention was the only non temporary work I have done in the last 2 years and it only lasted for 7 months. This work consisted of doing something I truly enjoy. Working with computers and helping others with their computer problems. My work was engrossing and I was its willing servant. Many extra hours were spent making sure I did the best possible thing to resolve all of the problems that I had to deal with in the course of my work. Sadly, this work was doomed as the company was operating under some extremely careless, dis-organized, and greedy owners. On multiple occasions I pointed out the (il)legal situations that I had been placed me in during the course of my work. In many cases it was not illegal, but at the very least, disingenious and dishonest. Welcome to the world of the U.S. business model and tech support!
Needless to say, my overlord who wrote me up and made my life miserable every time I made honest, caring suggestions to fix these flaws in the company, finally pushed me over the edge. I wanted to throttle this weasel who could smile to my face and talk nice to me, then suddenly call a meeting with HR and rail against my poor work ethics and decisions. Before you think that I was performing poorly, I was receiving many compliments from some people rather high-up in HP, not to mention our field techs. Most everyone enjoyed working with me except for the higher ups (read:back-stabbers) in the office. In fact, many others in the company had me promoted to an extremely high profile account working with HP because of my work ability, standards, and devotion. So how could I be such a horrible worker only when I made them angry when offering fixes to very obvious issues within the company? Well, I came so close to standing up during this HR meeting when both my overlord and HR began calling me down, speaking to me as a child, and then berating my job performance. As I stood up to throttle the overlord, I caught myself and they realized they had pushed me too hard. They both went quiet and I told them there would be no more of these meetings as I must depart the company. The CEO appeared in the HR office as an email was almost instantly shot out company wide stating I was no longer allowed in the workplace. He begged me to consider staying and I told him there was little chance of that, but I would accept his offer to relax and think the matter over further. The next morning, I knew there was no way I could return to this company and made my phone call to the CEO with my decision. At least I did get to say my very short piece regarding this overlord weasel in charge of this very high profile, lucrative account. HP was also upset as they had gotten my personal number. This job was done no matter the situation for more work and financial situation.
The worst thing is I had just managed to get into a rather poor health insurance program (better than none at all), but I simply had no time and very little money to seek any treatment for any of my physical and mental issues. Part of the reason I did spend so much time working is my ability to work for seemingly endless hours with few pauses. The odd thing is, even though I was now out of work again with no immediate work lined up, I felt at peace. My brother even commented on how at peace I seemed considering the hell my overlord had been putting me through. My work had absorbed me so thoroughly that I did not fully see the effects it had on me while I was away from work. I had even managed to save a very small sum, my first in years, but certainly a tiny sum as the above job did pay so very little. Now though, the insurance and cash flow was at an end.
As a final update to my old diary, I have applied for some work, only to find that the justice system improperly filed my court papers. The disposition papers I have acquired for work purposes state that I pled guilty to a felony-possession/distribution and misdeamor possession of paraphenelia. My personal signed papers state I pled to a misdemeanor possession and the pot gear charge was dropped entirely. The system does not allow me to fix this without the aid of an attorney even though the mistake is entirely due to the judge,clerk, and the involved attorneys. My attorney had since retired and is unable to assist me in my case, not to mention the issue of locating where in the world he is residing currently.
I do apologize if the above was long winded, but I assure you this has been done only as a catharsis. Doom seems to be my future yet, I still find myself kicking and fighting to find meaning in this life. Somehow, somewhere, I just know there is help for me. My handful of friends are steadfast, supportive, and still continue to aid me as they can, even though their plight has worsened along with the economy. Scarily, incarceration thoughts (and worse) still plague me even though I still remind myself that is no real option for a person that should be lighting up the stars at night, even if only a minute fraction of the skies above. Much do I have to offer to an honest employer. An employer who is understanding and non-abusive. Those types are rare and in such short supply these days.
All that I ask for is some honest help resolving some of these big issues I am unable to remedy. All of the remaining problems will certainly be remedied if I can manage to retain my wits and common sense that still remain. The justice system is no help, the health management system is no help, and I am truly creeping up on my wit's end. Am I desperate? In some senses yes. Am I hopeless? Certainly not. I do know that my encounters with the health system and justice system are minor compared to other's. These systems honestly seem to be worsening by the day with all of our politicians seemingly unaware or at worst, uncaring. On some occasions I can find humor and joy in life through others and I do have flickers of hope.
Without asking for pity with my pitiful story, I write it here in the hopes that others with lesser or equal plights can see that they are not alone in this world. It is my most sincere hope that by writing this cathartic tale, that my heavy load will be lightened somewhat. At last, a final word. Thank you Rachel Maddow, Jon Stewart, and Steven Colbert for allowing me to sometimes smile at the absurdity of the world that surrounds us. May I sometime soon find the assistance I need and share it with others who are in my plight.
I am wishing you all peace and tranquility.