War of the Slimeballs Part 1
The Invasion
It was those no-good slimeballs that started it. Nobody asked them to come. They just came to Earth in their big slimeball spaceships and took over. Took away our freedom. Changed our way of life. Used their secret weapon to make us do what they wanted.
Some so-called humans liked it when the slimeballs took over. Some of those traitors even volunteered to help the slimeballs run Earth. But not real humans. Real humans hate every single one of those stinking slimeballs. Real humans fight back.
Why do we call them slimeballs? Not because we’re being poetic or anything like that. No, we call them slimeballs because that’s exactly what they are – giant three-foot balls of green slime. Kinda sticky too, or at least they look sticky. No real human has ever touched one – who would want to anyway?
The slimeballs don’t have arms or legs or even faces. That’s one reason we hate them– you can never tell where they’re looking. They just float around, a few feet off the ground, and when they talk, you can’t tell where the sound is coming from. It might even be coming from inside your own brain. It might even be something you thought of yourself! But real humans don’t get fooled by slimeball tricks. We keep our thoughts simple so we can tell the difference between our ideas and dirty, rotten slimeball ideas.
Like a lot of real humans, Pete Camphrey had a pretty good life before the slimeballs showed up. He and his wife Maureen raised their two kids, a boy and girl, in a small house in Bloomfield, New Jersey. Pete worked for an auto sound system company and Maureen sold gourmet dog biscuits over the Internet. Just regular, salt of the earth, real humans, living a real human lifestyle – until the slimeballs took it all away.
It was a Saturday afternoon in May and Pete was out mowing the lawn when he heard Maureen shouting from inside. "Oh my god! Look at that slimeball!" He ran inside, thinking maybe there was some mold or something worse on the bathroom walls but no, Maureen was pointing to something on the fifty-inch LCD TV. And there it was - not just a slimeball but a slimeball spaceship (which actually looks exactly like a slimeball, only about a half mile in diameter) hovering over the Statue of Liberty. Little junior slimballs flew around it, like bright green balls of snot buzzing through the air.
Across the bottom of the screen ran these words: Giant Slimeballs Over New York, London, Beijing, Other Cities
"...appeared without warning over the major cities of the world," the reporter on the TV was saying. He looked kind of green himself.
And right then, the slimeballs spoke. The voice came out Pete’s top-of-the-line home theater system, but he couldn’t be sure if it wasn’t also coming from somewhere deep inside his brain. It was a soothing comforting voice, kind of like the voiceover for a feminine hygiene commercial, except you couldn’t tell if it was male or female.
"People of earth," the slimeball said, "do not be afraid. We mean you no harm. We have come to help you make this world a paradise. We’ll start by showing you how to create a low-cost health care system that covers everybody. Then we can explain how to switch to carbon-free energy sources so you can stop destroying your planet’s environment. Oh yes, we can also tell you how to lose weight without dieting."
Pete didn’t know why, but he felt a deep rage growing inside him. Just the sight of that ugly green, dripping slimeball made him sick to his stomach. He hated the slimeball and everything it said with all his being. He somehow knew that it was all a trick, that the slimeballs had some evil plan to enslave humanity. And though he didn’t know how, he knew they had to be stopped.
And then, something terrible happened. He looked over at Maureen, his wife of 21 years, and she wasn’t angry. She wasn’t filled with rage at the dirty slimeballs. Instead, she had a funny look on her face, like she was thinking or something.
"A low-cost health care system that covers everybody?" she said, half to herself. "Carbon-free energy? Lose weight without dieting? That sounds pretty good."
"Maureen!" Pete shouted. "What are you saying? Those are slimeball ideas!"
NEXT WEEK: The War Begins
Reposted from Richieville.com