And finally, New Rule. As long as we've got three wars going, America needs to add one more: a class war.
It's time working Americans told Wall Street the same thing that the good people of Detroit told Charlie Sheen last Saturday night. "This is bullshit and I want my money back."
Now, two interesting things are happening in America right now. Charlie Sheen, a millionaire armed only with a few catch phrases and two porn actresses who smell like ammonia, launched a self-pity tour because he can't have a TV show. While the Republicans, the party of millionaires, are shutting down the government because they can't have a tax-free world. As Paul Ryan says, it's not a budget, it's a cause. Like slavery. Like supporting one of the luckiest guys in the world in his quest to get all that's coming to him.
Folks, if you go to a show, and the guy on stage says, "Sorry, dude, I got your money already," like Charlie said, you're not IN on the joke, you ARE the joke.
You're not his friend or one of his chosen people, and you're not going to be him someday in paradise if you drink his tiger blood. That's Jesus you're thinking of. This is the guy from the sitcom about making dirty jokes to a fat kid.
So, you can know that a rock makes a shitty pet, but if you buy a pet rock, you're still an idiot. Ask your dentist. A shit-eating grin doesn't change the fact that you've been eating shit.
And that's the difference between being Charlie Sheen's girlfriend and Charlie Sheen's fan. If you're his girlfriend and you get fucked, he pays you!
And if you think a guy living large, and rubbing your nose in it that you're not, is funny, oh, here's one you'll really love.
You have to pay your taxes next week, and General Electric doesn't. That's right, GE, America's largest corporation, employs 975 people just to work on their taxes, which, it turns out, is a really great way to handle your taxes. Way better than what you have, a Vietnamese guy at the H&R Block who's using an abacus. Yeah, GE paid no taxes on $14 billion in profit. Why aren't people mad at them?
If I had to pick a phrase that encapsulates the American economy in the last decade, it surely would be, "I've already got your money, dude."
There's a law now forbidding credit card companies from screwing you with fine print and sudden unjustified rate hikes. To which the credit card company said, "I already got your money, dude."
Or maybe you lost your job in a recession caused by already rich people who bundled horseshit loans, and then took "too big to fail" pity money from Uncle Sam. "Already got your money, dude."
Americans need to have a Detroit moment where they realize they're pooling their money, and wasting it on the richest guy in the room. The richest 1% hoard an obscene amount of the wealth, while the average American has to save up to eat at Red Lobster on his birthday.
Wake up! Because somehow, they're banging the porn stars, and you're getting the crabs.
Mediaite has the video of this, but their embed code doesn't seem to work on DailyKos. So you can check out the video there if you want to see it and don't have HBO.
This really reminds me of a devastating Daily Show segment Jon Stewart did last September, when a hedge fund manager whined about how Wall Street felt Obama was hitting them like a piñata. Jon's response should make you stand up and applaud.
We turn now to CNBC. Yesterday, they televised a presidential economic town hall with real questions from real Americans. With the aim of holding Barack Obama, America's CEO, to account, giving Barack Obama the distinction of being the only CEO, CNBC has ever held accountable.
First up, Anthony Scaramucci, former Barack Obama law school classmate and current Jersey Shore breakout star, the Mooch. Ah ah, I'm sorry, Wall Street hedge fund manager.
ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI (9/20/2010): And I represent the Wall Street community. We have felt like a piñata. Maybe you don't feel like you're whacking us with a stick, but we certainly feel like we've been whacked with a stick. ... When are we going to stop whacking at the Wall Street piñata?
Um, I don't know, maybe when the fucking candy comes out! How about that? That's how piñatas work! Is that too harsh, Scarmooch? Meet me at camera 3!
'Sup, Mooch? I'm sorry, I... you know what, that was... I was wrong, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. You feel like the government has been whacking you with a stick? 'Cause what you call a stick on Wall Street, I guess Americans call a trillion dollar bailout of your industry. So, you know what I guess a lot of Americans would be saying to Obama right now is, uh, "Hit me with that motherfucking stick." So I guess what I'm saying is, until your papier-mâché bellies are no longer stuffed full of government candy, walk it off.
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. THIS is the message Democrats need to be pounding on the airwaves. Though, OK, perhaps a little less angrily, because Americans only seem to like angry conservatives, and not angry liberals. But this theme needs to be hammered home day after day, every time a Democrat goes before a microphone or on TV.