I usually write a weekly zero waste/green diary, but lately I've been fighting off depression. Usually I think of depression as a sadness brought on by one's physiological condition rather than caused by outside events, so in that sense I am merely sad. My kids were worried that I was sad because of them misbehaving or something, so I told them why I'm sad. I can't get a new job.
I so know that I have absolutely no right to complain or feel sad. I have a job and it does pay me enough to scrape by from one month to the next. If I tighten my belt and eat more beans and rice, I can probably even save a little each month. But my company isn't doing too well. Last year they laid off two thirds of their workers and this year for several months we were all cut back to three days a week. Lately we've been working four days a week and I just heard that we are back to full time. And that does make me happy, but I still am very nervous about the long-term prospects for the company.
At any rate, I've been looking, particularly when I was at three days a week and on unemployment. To qualify for unemployment here in Massachusetts one needs to apply for at least three jobs a week. And again, there, I have zero right to complain. I've been getting phone interviews and many in person interviews. I think I'm nearing a dozen in-person interviews now. At least I'm getting responses on my resume. But the rejection seems so much harder to take when it's gotten to that stage, when everyone at the interviewing company is friendly and I did well on the programming tests and then to get the email. Because then I can't help thinking it's not my skills or my business experience--it's me. I'm simply not liked for some reason.
Rationally I know that's not the case. I never had a problem getting a job before. The real problem is that I know a thousand people are applying for each job, and even at the interview stage they are probably interviewing ten candidates. There just aren't enough jobs for the population.
Rationally I know that with advancing computer programs and robotics and with looser trade laws and more outsourcing options, this lack of jobs will inexorably deepen over time. Also, on a more cheerful level I feel that there is a fundamental shaking out going on, and parasitic companies that don't contribute something useful to our economy are feeling the first pangs of extinction. The only problem is that the American economy seems to mostly be made up of those bloodsucking companies--they employ a lot of people.
The thing that gets me is that I did everything right. I've got an Ivy League degree, and not in something foofy like semiotics. I've got a B.S. in math. I've got a couple decades of pertinent and useful work experience and for the niche I'm in, SAS programming, there is at least still a lot of demand. And I live in Boston and am centrally located to commute to lots of places. If I can't get a freaking new job, then what about people who didn't make it through college? What about people who happened to pick jobs and skills that are now obsolete? What about people just graduating from college without any work experience? What about people who live in a depressed area? What about people who aren't currently employed? Things are bad out there.
Worse, I feel this prickly sense of desperation. I just recently watched The Lives of Others, a film about living under the oppressive East German communist system. I recognized myself a little in some of it. One of my potential employers grilled me on my thoughts about Wikileaks and Julian Assange, and warned me that I would not get hired if I had posted anything favorable or donated money to them--my background would be checked. And at work there is the slow erosion of moral niceties. Faced with the specter of homelessness, that fear is gnawing away at my sense of self, at the idea of myself as an upstanding citizen. Especially having kids, the fear bites harder.
If I had a different biochemistry I'd probably be turning to drink. And I'm not going to turn to antidepressants when I have a perfectly reasonable cause for being sad--this is not a biochemical imbalance. So instead, I'm hypercaffeinating myself and regressing into the escapist practices of my bullied youth. I raided my daughters' bookcase and I'm reading Harry Potter for the first time. I started with the Sorcerer's Stone last week, and I'm halfway through the Order of the Phoenix. I'm feeling especially cheered by this book because it's resonating with my real world problems.
I am also keeping up with my fish oil, and I know I should be doing more with getting out in the sunshine and going for long walks. I know the things to do to help with mood. But the best thing to help my mood would be being able to get a new job.