Update: Another statistic as in yet another bankruptcy.
Update II I knew I could count on this community to give me a good pep talk. I sincerely appreciate all of the words of support. Now I have to get to bed and try harder tomorrow.
Have you ever come to the end of your rope?
Have you ever dreaded opening your mailbox for fear of what bad news awaits?
Have you ever just wanted to climb on to the roof and scream?
Have you ever just needed to vent?
Have you ever just been absolutely terrified of tomorrow?
That's me tonight. I'm not looking for a hand out. I'm not ready to do hurt myself or anything. I just need to share my story with the community.
I came home today to a notice saying that I have a certified letter coming from my landlord/property management company. My lease is long expired, but I am more than a couple months late on the rent.
Why? I was out of work from Memorial Day to Columbus Day. Before that, I was working on my master's degree and I couldn't find work. The upshot was that I was not even eligible for minimal unemployment benefits last summer. At the moment, I'm a 35-year-old intern at a progressive think tank in Washington. At the moment I can pay everything but the rent and student loan repayments which are starting.
And I'm pretty much screwed financially.
Here's my story. It's a story of taking a chance and failing.
Six years ago, almost to the day, I made a decision that changed my life forever, quite frankly, for the worse. I held a good job as a small town newspaper editor. That wasn't bad for a 29 year old guy. I had almost paid off my student loan debt. I had a wonderful girlfriend and a cat. My bills were minimal and for the first time since I graduated college, I had something resembling disposable income.
And then the roof collapsed.
It wasn't my roof. Some college students were renting a basement apartment in town. It turned out that, over the Christmas break some pipes froze and burst. That caused the ceiling to collapse. I heard the call go out over the scanner and went out in the cold night. I snapped some pictures, got the story from an assistant fire chief and ran the photo and story. It was fairly routine as newspaper stories go.
After the story ran, I got a call from that landlord. When I say this dude is an illiterate idiot, I mean he is functionally illiterate and not a pleasant man. Landlord had a buddy read him my story. He then demanded I come to the apartment and see for myself that his apartment is just fine. Besides, he explained, people might not rent from him if they thought his apartments were unsafe. I did go over to the apartment and it was indeed an accident and not any kind of negligence. But this was hardly the first time I was blamed for someone else's misfortune just because I wrote a story.
I needed a change in my life. More accurately, I thought I needed a change. What I really needed with a vacation or something.
I have always dreamed of earning my PhD and I figured that was a great direction to head. After talking with some of the professors at my undergrad school, I decided to try for a PhD in political science. Just to get into the groove, I enrolled and did a second bachelors in three semesters. (I only had to take classes in the major.)
In that year and a half, I lost my girlfriend and cat. The g-f dumped me after two semesters. I know that part of the issue was not discussing my decision with her but I also knew that she did not share my ambition to move away from that town. I was stupid. After the break up, I had to find a new place and the only apartment I could find wouldn't let me keep my cat. The cat is fine and living with mom. Here's a pooty picture:
Unfortunately, I did not get into grad school right away. I settled for a job earning minimum wage and working just under full time. That really did not help with the whole saving money for college thing.
I got into four graduate programs. Two were at cheap, but not particularly renowned state schools. One accepted me, but didn't let me know until the day before classes started (seriously). I took an offer from a prestigious school in DC. I thought I would be able to score some sweet, sweet funding!
Not so much.
In school, I did have a amazing experience. I met Senators and took classes taught by Congressional staffers and DC professionals that you have heard of. I've been on C-Span. I have forgotten more than most people know about politics. In short, I know how Washington works.
But here is a dirty little secret about finding work in DC. Nobody wants to hire you unless you have at least one internship under your belt. Instead, I worked in an awesome job on campus that is apparently impressing no one who is actually hiring in the city. I know the economy sucks right now. But I saved almost every cover letter I work looking for work and I have at least 75 of them. That doesn't count the dozen or so applications that are totally on-line, like for the federal government. I have a master's degree, two bachelor's degrees and a decade of real world experience and I willing to scrub toilets if it pays the bills.
Oh, I tried some things. I did free lance writing that paid as much as $15 for an article that might take four hours to research and write. I tried canvassing for money with an environmental group. It turns out that I am no good at knocking on rich people's doors and asking for money. I did odd jobs here and there. I earned just enough to eat and pay the bills.
And for some reason, the landlord never came looking for rent.
Finally, in October I got an email saying that an old contact was looking for a social media intern. Play with Twitter and Facebook all day? I'm there. I was supposed to be done with the internship and out of there before Christmas, but they asked me to keep coming back. Currently, one of my supervisors is looking for funding to keep me around. They like me. They know I want to work. But unlike the rest of corporate America, the money simply might not be there. Even if it is, it might be too little and too late to help.
Now along the way, I've done my fair share of writing here and elsewhere, but but no one pays me to blog on Daily Kos. Frankly, that's one of the reasons my diary history is so thin. Thanks to this community, I did get to go to Netroots Nation, 2009, but it may be a while before I get to another one.
So I'm now seriously considering bankruptcy and I'm frightened that someone might try to sue me for the back rent that I legitimately owe. I might be moving into a house with my mother, aunt and grandmother in rural Pennsylvania instead of making a difference in Washington, DC. At best I might be able to find my way to Harrisburg. Maybe.
That's my story. I wanted to come to DC and make a difference in our crazy political system. I wanted to fight the good fight, but I couldn't even get in the ring properly.
I'm embarrassed to have to post this. I'm really not looking for anything other than commiseration and maybe a bit of empathy. Of course, if anyone has a job to offer me, I'll probably take it.
My life sucks and it sucks because I took some risks and missed. I don't blame anyone but myself. This is not a game where I lay the blame at the feet of whoever fucked up the economy or the system or any one individual. Had I not jumped at a chance that was never really there, I might be a professional editor right now. Probably married. Definitely living with a couple of cats. Maybe even mortgaging a house. On the other hand, had I not jumped, I would live my life wondering "what if?"
Instead, I am living on borrowed time in a crummy apartment that sometimes has mice. I have no cat to chase them or just sit on my lap and not judge me. Hell, I don't even have many friends in DC. But fortunately, I have this community, for which I'm grateful.
The moral of my story is simple. Sometimes you need to be satisfied with what you have rather than risking it all on a whim and a pipe dream.
Thanks for letting me rant.
