In a surprise move that crossed party lines, the Republicans joined the Democrats in passing a harsh reprimand against House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH). A historical first, it also signaled an era of bipartisanship which is starting to dawn across the republic.
"At the end of the day," stated Representative Lamar Smith (R-TX), "we just couldn’t have John getting that tan lacquer all over everything in the House. Bill after bill had his orange hand print on it, bright as day. You’d think he was making one of those Thanksgiving turkeys kid make in school. That bad."
Representative Eric Cantor (R-VA) added with suspicious glee, "Ever since he got the gavel, John has been dipping heavy into the tan can. We tried to warn him privately in the cloakroom, then we noticed he’d gotten it everywhere in there as well."
"I don’t even want to know how he got that stuff under the bathroom stall doors," he added with a smile.
With the public focused on Tuscan and other major natural disasters around the world, no one had noticed that House Speaker Boehner had achieved a brilliant orange, reminding some of the sun.
"Once I measured it for myself," said an anonymous source within the Republican camp. "You can stick a ruler anywhere on his exposed ‘flesh’ and he won’t feel a thing. His skin is protected by at least an inch of that plaster of Jersey Shore."
Democrats have remained silent on the issue, though agree fully with the vote and promise to censor him if the gavel of the House of the Representatives is permanently stained by his burnt orange grip due to his inability to accept his natural complexion, which does not match that of the mythical Oompa Loompa.
Privately, many members of the House favor explosion if Boehner does not keep dunking himself in a tub of sun lard before arriving to Congress every morning. Most fear being hugged by Boehner in a moment of reconciliation, ruining their nice clothes.
House Speaker John Boehner couldn’t be reach for comment, probably off at a golf course or something. Or a bar, it is after 5pm after all.