Governor Scott Walker of Illinois Wisconsin has stunned cheeseheads across the state - and NFL fans across the nation - by announcing that he will prohibit the Green Bay Packers from participating in the upcoming Super Bowl. The Chicago Bears immediately announced their willingness to step in and compete against the Pittsburgh Steelers for the NFL title and the Vince Lombardi trophy.
Governor Walker of Wisconsin has enjoyed tremendous support from the citizens of Illinois since it was learned that his promise of "250,000 jobs" did not apply to his home state, but rather to the state immediately south of Wisconsin.
"We’re thrilled!" exclaimed one happy Bears fan. "First the high speed rail money, then the railroad car factory, then the wind turbine factory...now the Super Bowl! That Scott Walker is doing one hell of a job for us up in Madison."
Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler said he is excited about the chance to redeem himself after losing to the Packers last weekend. "It’s been a life-long dream of mine to quit during half-time of a Super Bowl," he said through his agent.
Governor Walker explained his shocking decision in a press release:
As everyone knows, I promised during last fall’s campaign that I would do everything possible to "kill the train." Even though I am a fan of the Packers, it was recently explained to me that the Packers are planning to "train" for the Super Bowl in the next couple weeks, a clear violation of my decree.
Therefore, I am forbidding the Green Bay Packers from all training, now and in the future, and from prohibiting any athletic contests where training is involved. That goes for the Milwaukee Brewers and Milwaukee Bucks, too!
"We’re devastated; I don’t know where this leaves us," said the Packers’ General Manager, Ted Thompson. "Even though we've won a lot of away games recently, we can’t give up playing at Lambeau Field, and we can't just pick up and move. We are owned by thousands of local stockholders. I guess we’ll have to give up football and transition to a sport where no physical training is involved. Maybe bowling or ice-fishing."
A spokesperson for Governor Walker later clarified the new "no-train" policy.
Anything related to trains or training is out. No bridal trains. No playing of Little Eva’s 1962 hit record The Loco-Motion. No nicknaming your pet Choo-choo or Whistler. And definitely no model train shows. Frankly, those guys crawling out of their basements once a year to set up their trains kind of creep me out. They just stand there all day, pasty-faced and occasionally blurting out "Don't touch!"
Furthermore, all Monopoly boards in Wisconsin will have to have the railroad spaces removed. Failure to do so will result in a fine of $200.00 or an indefinite jail term.
In addition to causing the loss of billions in federal dollars and the jobs they would have created, the "no train" policy is having far-reaching consequences across the state.
The chancellor of the Milwaukee School of Engineering announced immediately after the clarification that the college would change its name to the "Milwaukee School of Designing Really Cool Stuff."
One woman from Oconomowoc was having second thoughts about erecting an outdoor clothesline. "With the new restrictions on wind turbines, I’m afraid they’ll just make me take it down, or even give me a ticket. I got it for Christmas and it’s sitting in the box out in the garage. We’re just waiting for the ground to thaw in July so we can put it up."
The University of Wisconsin’s Director of Athletics, Barry Alvarez, was not available to comment on how this policy would affect his school’s track team.
Meanwhile, the citizens of Illinois are laughing all the way to the bank...and to Dallas, the sight of Super Bowl XLV. "Too bad," said one Chicago resident. "The Bears’ fans are going to the Super Bowl while the Packers’ fans are revolting...and protesting their governor, too."