Stephen Colbert used TWO segments last night on this right-wing push to return us to the gold standard, and had on Ron Paul to "debate" the issue with NYT economics writer David Leonhardt. He shows the sheer silliness of this lark as only Stephen can.
Now, I'm already on the gold standard, folks, and it works great. ... Jay the Intern everybody. Now Jay, did you go buy me my coffee?
JAY: Yes, four sugars, 2 1/2 half-and-halfs.
STEPHEN: Got it. All right. Now do you have change for this ingot?
JAY: Sure. It's three doubloons, two silver talents, a sapphire the size of a plover's egg, half a bolt of Chinese silk, and twelve drams of the finest Iberian saffron.
STEPHEN: Oooh, good saffron! I wanted to buy a Diet Coke and the vending machine doesn't take nutmeg.
Video and transcripts below the fold.
Folks, thanks to Ben Bernanke and the out of control Fed, our money is getting weaker every day. A $100 bill won't even light a cigar anymore. Thankfully, we're just days away from swearing in a new Republican House majority. And that means we're going to have a new chairman of the House Monetary Policy Subcommittee, I can tell you're excited. It's Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX). Now, the new chairman here is a big critic of the Federal Reserve. He's even published a book called "End the Fed". And I like any book in which the words don't exceed three letters. My review, Güd!
Here is how Ron Paul will end it.
REP. RON PAUL, R-TX (12/14/2010): We at least should start ending the Fed by allowing competition. ... The Constitution said that only gold and silver can be legal tender; I want to legalize competition and allow individual Americans to use gold and silver in competition as money.
Exactly. Competition! Let the free market decide what money is! I give my employees the choice of being paid in backrubs, or Colbert Cash, which is redeemable for backrubs.
You see, money, this stuff, this green stuff right here, money's so confusing, it's just a piece of paper. Who knows how much this $20 bill is worth? Probably nothing once you scrape off the cocaine. I mean, since Richard Nixon took us off the gold standard, money's just been an agreement that a piece of paper has a certain value because the government says so. But if money is actually worthless, why am I spending my life chasing after it? I should be focused on something more meaningful, something that has real value. Gold!
Let's face it, if there was a Precious Metal Olympics, who would win the gold? Gold would. And I'm not the only one who believes that. Jim?
G. GORDON LIDDY, ROSLAND CAPITAL COMMERCIAL: During tough economic times, gold is the time-tested currency that goes up.
FOX BUSINESS CHANNEL GUY (10/13/2009): Gold is a component, there's still an intrinsic value that people see and they touch, and they feel.
GLENN BECK (11/4/2010): I can take this gold coin, and walk into Saks Fifth Avenue, and buy a couple of good suits.
Yes! Clearly he hasn't yet, but he can. See, gold has intrinsic value, because... it's shiny. And Ron Paul agrees with me agreeing with him.
RON PAUL, GOLDSILVER.COM: If this [holds up gold coin] is sunk on a boat or a ship, now or 500 years ago, you dig it up, it has tremendous value. This [holds up paper money] sinks, you put it to the bottom, and who cares?
Nobody! Nobody cares. People dump their cash in the ocean all the time. That's how you make sand dollars!
And Ron Paul isn't the only one in on this gold rush. Georgia state representative Bobby Franklin (R) recently introduced a bill that would require payments to or from the state of Georgia to be made exclusively in gold or silver coin. Which may be difficult, as most of Georgia's gold reserves are tied up in Lil Jon's teeth.
And in Utah, folks, listen to this, in Utah, state representative John Dougall (R) has a bill that would allow state residents to mint their own gold or silver coins that would be guarded by a presently non-existent state militia known as the Utah Defense Force. This has received some criticism, but Dougall defended his plan, saying, "Goolllddd!! Gooolllldddd, I tell ya! Gooolllldddd!!! Ggggoooooooolllldddd!!!!!!"
And buying things with gold is so convenient. Instead of a bulky wallet, you just carry around this stylish leather sack, tied to your tunic, OK? Just be careful you don't confuse your gold sack with your snuff sack, or your actual sack, which may not be legal, but it sure is tender.
Now, I'm already on the gold standard, folks, and it works great. I'll show you here. Jay! Jay the Intern, Jay the Intern everybody. Now Jay, did you go buy me my coffee?
JAY: Yes, four sugars, 2 1/2 half-and-halfs.
STEPHEN: Got it. All right. Now do you have change for this ingot?
JAY: Sure. It's three doubloons, two silver talents, a sapphire the size of a plover's egg, half a bolt of Chinese silk, and twelve drams of the finest Iberian saffron.
STEPHEN: Oooh, good saffron! I wanted to buy a Diet Coke and the vending machine doesn't take nutmeg. Thanks, Jay. Jay the Intern, everybody! When we return, we will mint television gold with economic columnist Dave Leonhardt, and the new chairman of the House Monetary Policy Subcommittee, Congressman Ron Paul!
COLBERT: Folks, before the commercial break, I told you all about the coming return to the gold standard. Soon, every citizen will have the right to have their own pot of gold as we convert America to a Leprechaunomy. Here to advocate for this bright future, please join me in welcoming, live via satellite, Congressman Ron Paul! Congressman Paul, thank you so much.
PAUL: Thank you.
COLBERT: Now sir, explain to the good people here what I already understand. Why do we need gold for our currency?
PAUL: Well, the main reason we want gold is over 6,000 years, gold has always been picked over paper. Paper is always destroyed, there's been no example of paper money lasting for a long, long periods of time. Money has always evolved out of the marketplace of something of real value. Gold has not always been, and silver has not always been, but it's always been the best and longest lasting, and I think it's time we turn back.
COLBERT: I think it's time we returned to an economy that's based upon trading cattle or the value of our daughter for dowry.
PAUL: Well, the whole thing is, is if you have a certificate, like you can have a certificate for gold, you don't have to carry your gold.
COLBERT: Wait a second, sir, if I have a certificate for gold, how do I know it's actually gold? Do I get to go visit my gold at the bank? 'Cause I want to touch it and lick it and stuff like that.
PAUL: That is... you've touched on a most important point. You have to have a gold coin standard, and anytime you quiz or question the integrity of the government, you should be able to take that certificate to the bank and make sure they do have the gold.
COLBERT: Sir, if you don't have a gold standard for our money, could this lead to hyperinflation?
PAUL: No, not "could", it is. It will.
COLBERT: On the other side of this debate, we now have economics writer from the New York Times, Mr. Dave Leonhardt. Dave, thank you so much for joining me. Dave, Dr. Paul and I agree, that without a gold standard, we're talking Weimar Republic, wheelbarrows full of money to pay for one loaf of bread, why do you want my children to starve?
LEONHARDT: The gold proponents have been saying that we need to worry about inflation.
COLBERT: We do.
LEONHARDT: They've been saying the big worry is that our economy is going to overheat.
COLBERT: Yes.
LEONHARDT: We're going to spend so much money, prices are going to go out of control.
COLBERT: It will.
LEONHARDT: Does it feel to you like the economy's too strong right now, that it's overheating?
COLBERT: No, but it's waiting for us to let our guard down.
LEONHARDT: Well, so what we've had going on, is we've now had for years, we've had people saying inflation is just about to take off. A year ago people were saying inflation is just about to take off, we need to think about a way to go to something like gold, or do something like this. At the time, inflation was 2.7%. Today, it's 1.1%.
COLBERT: OK, but Dave, listen up. If our economy is so great on this present standard, why aren't things getting better? Listen, if my teeth are falling out, I change my toothpaste, OK? Or I stop smoking meth. One of those two. Now, what do you make of what this man is saying, Congressman? He says we don't have to worry about inflation.
PAUL: Well, he'd better. Why doesn't he look at the inflation of the NASDAQ bubble? Why doesn't he look at the inflation of the bubble in housing? That was plenty of inflation. Why doesn't he look at the inflated prices of the bonds right now? I mean, there's a huge amount of inflation out there.
COLBERT: Yeah, Dave, why don't you do any of that? Why don't you do what the man is saying?
LEONHARDT: So, there is a problem, in which the economy can get too heated, and inflation can get too high. But think about what's been happening lately. Prices have been falling. Prices of houses were falling. Prices of stocks fell sharply during the financial crisis. The problem we've had recently is not inflation, it's not too strong an economy, it is too weak an economy.
COLBERT: But do you not believe that gold is more valuable than paper? Simple question, Mr. Economics Man.
LEONHARDT: It depends.
COLBERT: What? It depends?
LEONHARDT: Sometimes paper's more valuable than gold.
COLBERT: Gold is always, always valuable! Think of how many jobs gold will create! We'll have to hire tailors to reinforce our pockets.
LEONHARDT: If I gave you a choice between the amount of gold in my wedding ring, and a million dollars worth of paper bills, which would you take?
COLBERT: Well, how about that, Congressman Paul? He said would you rather have my gold wedding ring, or a million dollars in paper?
PAUL: OK, the question is, would he take $10,000 and put it in a box and keep it for twenty years, or would he take a couple of gold coins and put them in a box for twenty years? [Notice Paul changes the question around, and doesn't answer what Leonhardt actually proposed.] Believe me, 99% of the American people, they'll take the gold, they will not bet on the value of the dollar. The Federal Reserve has destroyed 98% of the value of purchasing power of the dollar since 1913, and in the meantime, they finance every war that they couldn't have financed if they were on a gold standard.
COLBERT: Dave, do you want some ice for that burn? The Fed has destroyed our currency!
LEONHARDT: The Fed hasn't destroyed our currency. If you look around the world, people remain very willing to lend the United States money. Our currency is good around the world. Ultimately, what has value is what people will give you value for. You can't eat gold, you can't live in gold, so at the end of the day...
COLBERT: Have you ever tried to eat gold?
LEONHARDT: I have never tried to eat gold.
COLBERT: You can eat gold leaf on a chocolate cake.
LEONHARDT: That is true.
COLBERT: That is true?
LEONHARDT: A small amount.
COLBERT: I accept your apology.
LEONHARDT: You can also eat small amount...
COLBERT: Gentlemen, I'll leave the question to both of you. Would you rather worship a calf made of paper, or a calf made of gold? [Laughter] It's a simple choice. Yes?
PAUL: But I would rather have gold in my money, not paper. It has always failed and always will.
COLBERT: Representative Paul, thank you so much. From the New York Times, Dave Leonhardt, thank you.
Stephen also rightly mocked American Family Association asshole Bryan Fischer for fearmongering that Obama wants to give the U.S. back to the Native Americans.
And Jon Stewart also had a great show last night, with his hilarious coverage of the RNC chairmanship debate, focusing on the hilarity that is Reince Priebus. Then he brilliantly showed using movie posters how the incoming House GOP is only spewing the same old shit. (You'll also enjoy this segment from Monday's show where Jon compared Obama to Luke Skywalker. Who knew Jar Jar was a birther?!) And y'all should also check out his interview with Kirsten Gillibrand.
Unfortunately, economics is my weak point, so I'll leave it to others who understand this stuff to explain why going back to the gold standard is or is not a very stupid thing to do.