From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Republican Sideliners Debate: Liveblog
Will they or won't they? This should be exciting.
8:01 PM ET: First question: "How ajar is your door right now?" Giuliani: 9.11 inches. Palin: I need more donations to Sarah PAC before I can reveal how open-doory I am. A few million should do it. Trump: My door is solid gold and I'll tell you how wide open it is on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Christie: I don’t know how else to say it---for the millionth time, my door is absolutely, completely frfflfrflfrfl. Huckabee: Have you seen the GOP field lately? I am unhinged!
8:03 PM ET: Huckabee walks back unhinged comment.
8:04 PM ET: What do you bring to the table that the other non-candidates here don't? Palin passes on answer due to palm sweat making her response illegible. Trump: Razzamataz, baby! Giuliani: I can think of 911 things. Christie: Last weekend I held hands with Nancy Reagan, who held hands with Ronald Reagan on numerous occasions. Bam, nailed it! Huckabee: pulls out bass guitar and asks if any other candidates can do this---Bumpitta bumpitta bow bow bumpitta bow bow…
8:10 PM ET: Closing statements: Christie: I am not running…to the car to drive to my kid's baseball game because that's what my state-owned helicopters are for.
Palin: I don’t want to be a signpost or a cymbal, er, symbol. I am not a dead fish, I am a rogue maverick just statin' what needs to be stated in the bright muzzle flash of the now. Right now what needs to be stated also is let's get diggin' in those wallets and pocketbooks for some more donations to Sarah PAC, you gullible losers…er, you 1776 patriot mama grizzlies-in-training in the several states! And papas, too. Keep ringin' them warnin' bells and such for our freedom.
Huckabee: This is for my buddy Ted Nugent---Bow bompitybompity bomp bomp bow bow bomp… Cat scratch fevuh! Yowwwwl!
Giuliani: I promise to not just be "Mr. Noun-Verb-911." I'll start tossing in some adjectives.
Trump: First I just wanna say I enjoy seeing all the heaving bosoms in this auditorium. It's the dolls what make this country great. As for the run: I'll either announce it one syllable at a time over the entire season of Celebrity Apprentice, or I'll just move into the White House whenever I feel like it.
8:15 PM ET: Rick Perry runs on stage unannounced: "Don't do it! Them tea party people is crazy! They'll eat you for lunch and add your bleached bones to their Reagan shrine. Somebody hide me!"
8:17 PM ET Debate ends. Nielsen reports ratings 3x higher than declared-candidate debates. Frank Luntz preemptively calls to congratulate Obama on his re-election.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Note: For aesthetic reasons, I moved the bearskin rug to cover the sinkhole. Mind your step.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Florida GOP presidential primary: 119
Days `til the Bridgeville Apple-Scrapple Festival in Delaware: 10
Revised GDP numbers for April through June: 1.0% --> 1.3%
(Source: Fed bean counters)
Percent of Americans who approve of Hillary Clinton: 64%
Percent who say John McCain would be doing a better job now as president than Barack Obama: 29%
(Source: Bloomberg poll)
Percent of airline passengers who say they're "constantly afraid" when they fly: 9%
Percent who say they have a certain ritual they perform (mine is drinking) every time they fly: 14%
(Source: TripAdvisor/USA Today survey)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
When a genius says he’s a “moron,” there is a potential for humor. When a moron says he’s a moron, there can only be sadness. And when a sap says he is a sap, you can experience the thrill of simultaneous laughter and sadness. David Brooks is a fool. Only the NYT and National Review, the flagship publication of conservatism, continue to take him seriously.
---Commenter bthere at the Michelle Malkin blog
All together now: 1…2…3… Heh!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In Mobile, Alabama, just another day in surgery…with bolt cutters.
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CHEERS to October. Busy month and it's already 13 percent over. Fall kicks into high gear for leaf-peepers and cider-lovers; OccupyWallStreet goes national; Republican primary campaigning reaches a fever pitch (aren't we lucky!); we get to re-open the "Columbus was a hero/Columbus was a genocidal maniac" debate; United Nations Day is the 24th; Daylight saving time for European Union countries ends on the 30th; new South Park! tomorrow night; and a High Holy Day for gays (and, according to unsubstantiated rumors, small children)---Halloween---looms large. This year I'm dressing up as the scariest person I know of to make old and young alike quake in their knee socks: President of the United States Newt Gingrich (but I won’t be surprised if people confuse me with a Weeble). Heads-up, pancreas---here comes the candy corn!
JEERS to a slightly higher bar to clear. Now we know the rules for getting a movement covered by the media. If you're a bunch of angry old conservatives with kooky, regressive ideas that will prolong a harsh recession, all it takes is a handful of "Don’t Tread on Me" flags, some lawn chairs, a dash of overt racism, an occasional weekend to rally, opportunistic politicians who immediately take up your cause, and millions of dollars in corporate support. On the other hand, if you're a bunch of angry young liberals with sensible, middle-class-reviving solutions to severe economic inequality, all you need is some random police brutality, several hundred arrests and a weeks-long, round-the-clock occupation of a public square in the middle of New York's financial district. We hope this clears up any confusion.
P.S. OccupyWallSt.org: bookmark it
P.P.S. D.C. Douglas's video will go viral and everybody will be talking about it. Watch it now, before watching it was cool.
CHEERS to humble beginnings. Portland has a small cadre of mostly twenty-something Occupy-Wall-Street'ers---"OccupyMaine'ers"---camping out at Monument Square. Yesterday they marched a couple miles to the USM campus and back. Two of the three big TV stations in town covered it, as well as The Portland Press Herald. Of course the police were there---two squad cars and [This is your cue to roll your eyes] a paddywagon. I checked in with the camper-outers and tossed some pizza money in the jar on behalf of C&J. And before I forget: I owe a shoutout this morning to campers Rose and Travis (both in the photos at the link above---they're the ones with painted faces), and also to Bill and Andre from the local chapter of MoveOn. Hi from Bloggerland! Oh, and my favorite sign so far was this one, which sums the movement up with an economy of words:
ARRESTS
People 700
Banksters 0
For now, anyway.
CHEERS and JEERS to the first yesterday in October. The Supreme Court is back in black and ready to rumble! On their plate: copyright law, Medicaid reimbursement to states, secret police GPS surveillance (sorry, that wasn't a playful butt slap by Officer Krupke, it was an Acme 4000 TrackMe ass patch), "fleeting expletives" on TV, and probably the mandate in the Affordable Care Act. As usual, Roberts, Alito, Thomas and Scalia make up the evil wing of the court. You can remember that more easily by their acronym: "RATS."
JEERS to life the way it never was. On this date in 1957, `Leave It to Beaver' premiered on ABC. June Cleaver did housework in pearls, frilly dresses, and high heels. Or as I like to call it: Saturday morning at the BiPM household.
CHEERS to letters from the mailbag. Sent via Crazyland Express:
Dear Iran and al Qaeda,
Hi! How are you? I hope you're experiencing intolerable burning sensations over most of your body. I am fine, by the way!
Say, I see that you two are fighting over what really happened on 9/11. Iran, you say it's still a mystery---even a conspiracy!---and that's pissing off al Qaeda, which insists it orchestrated the whole thing, dammit.
I never thought I'd say something like this to you, but: get a room! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
But seriously: fuck you both, as usual.
Hugs,
Billy
And to piss 'em off even more, I loaded the envelope with red, white and blue glitter. (What...too cruel?)
CHEERS to involuntary iGasms. OMG! OMG!!! Today at 1 O'clock Apple reaches into its goodie bag and unveils---wait for it…wait for it…---the iPhone 5!!!!! Among the upgrades: more power, beefed up camera (x-ray vision would be awesome!), and wireless device setup. But the feature that's expected to generate the most buzz: a hologram that stands in line for you to order the iPhone 6.
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Five years ago in C&J: October 4, 2006
JEERS to the sultans of sleaze. Republican congressman Mark Foley, leader of the powerful House Irony Committee, said, "We track library books better than we do sexual predators" while attending a signing of the Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006. Now he's gone into hiding after getting caught measuring cups of flour for cake recipes penis sizes with underage congressional pages online. He blames the bottle. We blames the Foley.
CHEERS to Jean Hay Bright. She's a common-sense Mainer running against Olympia Snowe up here, yet DSCC chair Chuck Schumer won't even return her phone calls, let alone send a few shekels her way...
Mainers are...realizing that Snowe is no longer a moderate. In fact, according to Congressional Quarterly, she voted with the Bush agenda 82 percent of the time in his first term. Snowe drafted a bill to pardon Bush's warrant-less wiretapping of Americans. She voted to deny habeas corpus rights to Guantanamo Bay detainees. She voted to confirm Judge Samuel Alito. She voted for the Bankruptcy Bill, for Medicare Part D with its "donut-hole" and no-price-negotiations clause, for "No Child Left Behind." The list goes on. ... At the end of my stump speech, I tell people to vote for the America they want to live in. I'd tell that to Chuck Schumer, too---if he'd take my calls.
Rude.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to not being ready for your close-up. Can't let today go by without noting that this is the one-year anniversary of the day Christine O'Donnell gift-wrapped the Delaware U.S. Senate seat she was vying for, topped it with a pretty bow, and handed it to Democrat Chris Coons on a silver platter. Yes, it was a year ago today that the most famous---and disastrous---opening ad line of the 2010 elections debuted: "I am not a witch!" And the line that followed that was almost too good to be true: "I'm you!" So, by her own standards, Christine O'Donnell is me: a gay liberal dude. Hey, whatever floats her cauldron.
Have a nice Tuesday. Study hard, kids. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“Here Bill in Portland Maine's worth 2 cents per pound. In China, it could be 35 cents to 45 cents or more, depending on the maximum value of his foot."
---James Rice
CSM Foods (Shanghai) Co.
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