CHRONIC TONIC posts on Thursdays at 9 p.m. EST. It is a place to share stories, advice, and information and to connect with others with chronic health conditions and those who care for them. Our diarists will report on research, alternative treatments, clinical trials, and health insurance issues through personal stories. You are invited to share in comments (and note if you'd like to be a future diarist).
I woke up crying this morning again. I had a disability appeal hearing Monday, and I haven't had a good nights sleep all week. I've had this dream of falling since I was a child...In this dream I'm helpless, afraid, and alone. The anxiety, panic, and depression haunt my waking hours, but I try to fight it. I've had hours of therapy sessions back in the 80's and 90's. Biofeedback training, relaxation techniques, venting, anger management, assertiveness training, and seminars were all taken to help my mental health. It's a genetic predisposition with environmental triggers through out my life. I grew up in an alcoholic family, my mother has depression,panic/anxiety disorder and schizophrenia as did her father, my father was murdered right after I left home in 1973, I'm estranged from my family, I'm sick with a variety of chronic illnesses, I'm unemployed and uninsured. I do have my moments when I think the clouds lift, but it's stuck with me thru out my life. Now I somehow have to prove to a judge how my multiple illnesses affect my life.
I found out last Friday that no one had my Medicaid Psych report from my January 2011 required psychological evaluation. I had seen a doctor and a psychologist as required by Medicaid when I applied for benefits. I was also waiting on my SSDI appeal hearing. So Monday morning I went to the office to get a copy of my medical records for my attorney and the judge. The Psychologist made me pay $23.50 for a seven-page report about my visit. The diagnosis was there on the front page, so now I'm branded. The good doctor stated I had Manic Depressive Disorder, Panic/Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, and in her opinion I was disabled. I reflected on those labels as I drove to my disability hearing. I thought the judge would surely give me disability since the Medicaid physician who examined me also said I was disabled due to arthritis, herniated discs, fibromyalgia, dizziness, high blood pressure, heart problems, chronic fatique and pain, COPD, and fatty liver.
I arrived at my SSDI hearing an hour early Monday, so my lawyer and I could talk and go over my records. I asked her about our chances since both the Medicaid doctor and psychologist reported that I was disabled. Her answer to me was that I'd win the case for sure if I didn't have a college education. I thought, "ok, so it's a disadvantage to be intelligent and work hard all your life in this game?" It seems that's the case. I know several people in their late 50's who have been turned down for SSDI and they all had college degrees. I know other people in their late 50's, without a college degree who won their SSDI appeal.
I didn't get a decision on my SSDI Monday, because the judge wanted to see all my pharmacy records. I have an appointment to see another psychiatrist next week. My lawyer told me that usually the longer the judge takes to make their decision, the less likely it will be a favorable decision for you. I got print outs of all my prescriptions from several pharmacies that I've used since 2000. I have records from 2000 - 2005 which show that I was taking a dozen different pills each month during that time frame, 6 of them were specifically for depression and anxiety, 2 were for pain and muscle spasms, 1 for blood pressure, 1 for allergies, 1 for inflammation, and 1 for insomnia. That was the medicine I used to take when I was working. I've been unemployed since 2007, so now I'm down to taking a pill for depression, a pill for anxiety, a pill for high blood pressure, and a muscle relaxer for pain and insomnia. The pills I've been taking for the last 12 years were all prescribed by medical doctors who were not psychologists or psychiatrists. I trusted the doctors to give me the right medicine, but did they?
Manic depressive disorder was something I had suspected, but I never had a diagnosis before now. I read that the manic depressive condition may actually worsen when treated just with antidepressants without a mood stabilizer. Researchers say that rapid cycling from manic phase to depressive phase happens over and over and over without the mood stabilizer. So, is that why I stay up for days and then sleep and feel depressed for days. This cycle has gone on too long. Mental health coverage is necessary for so many Americans who suffer locked behind the doors and curtains of their homes.
In 1999, I was insured and was sent by my medical doctors for psych counseling at an outpatient mental health facility in St Louis. At that time, I had been taking Prozac for 12 years. I had just lost my job, was going through a divorce, and starting Interferon Therapy for HCV, so the doctors were concerned about my depression. I went for counseling and group therapy sessions for 10 days, which is what my insurance had said they would cover. Later I learned that the insurance would not cover 10 sessions at the outpatient counseling center and I was billed over $3,000. Well, that was the last time I saw a mental health doctor. It was while I was going to those sessions, that they started me taking 3 Celexa/day, 3 Wellbutrin/day, and 3 Buspar/day. Plus I had a ton of other meds I was taking at the time. I had never heard a psych diagnosis other than depression and anxiety. It's so easy for medical professionals to label us, medicate us, and move on to another patient.
I now have appointments to see a new psychiatrist and a neurologist. Cost of medications and medical visits is a great concern since I haven't worked in years. Discrimination against the disabled, and especially people with mental illness, causes me more shame and anxiety. I know many brilliant people have suffered from manic depression, and I still have hope for the future, but it should not have taken me this long to get a diagnosis and treatment. Has no one listened to me for decades when I told them I'd go for days without sleep? I knew it wasn't normal, so why am I still suffering? Our health care system in this country is so controlled by insurance companies, drug makers, and other money interests that limit our care and treatments. We must fight to make health care available for physical and mental illnesses in this country if we believe in compassionate care for our citizens.
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