Yesterday I read a diary about a Texas judge abusing his minor daughter. Needless to say, the video evidence was horrifying. If you go to that link, be aware that this video can be a STRONG trigger for flashbacks. As I read the comments, something else started nagging me. I've been thinking about it since and then today I read another story and attached comments highlighted on Yahoo's main page... and now I'm seriously disturbed.
The victim in this video explicitly asked that her mother NOT be blamed for her actions in this video. She stated that her mother was also a victim of abuse and has since left her father and is trying to have a normal life. Yet, I read MANY comments about how the mother is equally, or more to blame for the abuse shown in the video. If you are one of the people who believe this, I implore you to reconsider your view of this woman as I highlight some information about abuse and how long term abuse causes deep psychological harm in victims of abuse.
Helpguide.orghas some good information regarding abuse. I encourage everyone to read it and to explore other sources of information on this topic. I would like to highlight some things to consider when thinking about this woman and her role in the video.
Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.
Have you ever met someone who was abused? I have. For the purposes of this diary, I will call her Debbie. Everything described above happened to Debbie. She was abused and felt the fear, guilt, and shame that her abuser wanted her to feel. After years of escalating abuse, starting with seemingly unintended insults and ending with hospitalization for broken bones, detached cornea, burn marks... Debbie was no longer the same person she had been when the relationship began. She was basically molded into being what he wanted her to be, as much as it is possible. It wasn't until that hospitalization that she was able to break away from the influence he exerted over her. Until that point, she would do what he told her to, when he told her, how he told her to.
If she didn't she was BEATEN. If she ever whispered about leaving him, she was BEATEN. By doing what he wanted, she was protecting herself the best that she could. Even people with healthy self images at the start of a relationship with abusers can end up like this. Abusers are very good at picking away at their victim's self-esteem, until the victim is "ready" for physical violence.
Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone.
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
The lady in this video, by her own daughter's statements, was probably in no fit state to defend her daughter. Indeed, she could join in as a self preservation tactic, but she could also believe that what she was doing was the RIGHT thing to do. This is a COMMON reaction to long term abuse. Your abuser has damaged your self-esteem to the point where you adopt their beliefs. Your beliefs are worthless. Your abuser knows best. You are stupid. Your abuser is smart. You are weak. Your abuser is strong. Your abuser is RIGHT to abuse you. You deserve it for being so weak and stupid. It is very easy for a victim to lose all sense of self and become a kind of extension of their abuser.
Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.
I don't know what the turning point for the woman in the video was, what finally made her escape her husband. Many people would think that the events in the video would be IT. For some women, something like that would be. For others, they may try minimizing the abuse. Many victims of abuse falsely believe they can MINIMIZE the abuse by acquiesing to the abusers demands. I say falsely because the abuser LIKES abusing and will come up with reasons to do it no matter what the victim says or does.
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:
Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
"Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.
This woman finally left her husband. I don't know how bad the abuse was, but I'm going on her daughter's statement that she is a victim as well and I hope this information will allow some people to accept that, where maybe they couldn't before. I know for Debbie, that the only reason she escaped her abuser, whom she defended up and down for many years, was because of FORCED separation when she was in the hospital recovering from the injuries inflicted on her by her abuser. It wasn't until she was away from him that she was able to rediscover her worth and how much she was loved by her family and what real love looks like.
Your loved one may be tortured like this in the future, belittled and beaten on a daily basis. They may have children with their abuser and be as unable to protect their children as they are unable of defending themselves. They will need HELP and understanding and YOUR support to stop being a victim. If they manage to get out before they are permanently injured or even killed, they will likely feel immense guilt over anything they watched happen to their children, or even took part in. I don't think more blame is what someone recovering from abuse needs.