WASHINGTON -- Disassociative Press (DP) November 4, 2011
It’s only a test, but nerves are already seriously frayed over the first nationwide test of Homeland Security's new Emergency Alert System, designed to inform Americans during national emergencies like nuclear war, natural disasters or when a white women goes missing.
In fact, the extended test of the EAS alert is itself widely predicted to cause a national emergency.
The test will occur at 2 PM EST this coming Wednesday, and will last over three minutes — interrupting dozens of soap operas and reality TV shows, and all 567 college sports channels on DirecTV. The message will take over TV's and radios for far longer than the typical 30 seconds for most broadcast test messages, which has officials deeply worried about how Americans will react to such sudden change.
What's worse, it won't be the usual message but a long series of "mainframe computer protocols" from the various agencies under the Homeland Security umbrella. Computer sounds. Beeps. Boops. Bops. Ooo-gahs and sirens. Bright color wheels that seem to spin when you stare at them. And a voice. A voice that keeps telling you not to panic -- which is what really makes people panic.
They wouldn't be telling you not to panic if there wasn't a damn good reason TO panic, right? Think about it, man.
There is great concern in local police and emergency management circles about the public's reaction to this new, extended test. Much of the three minutes will consist of bright colors and techno sounds. People may naturally assume THIS IS IT THE MARTIANS ARE COMING, steal a car and hit the road like Tom Cruise, heading for safety.
It wouldn't be the first time. Just ask Orson Welles.
“Our main concern is that the different sounds and colors of this much longer test will create instant, blind panic," said the overweight police chief of one small Nevada town where practically nothing scary ever happens. "I still have nightmares about the summer the giant spiders came out. Thank God they were in black and white. Wouldn't wanna remember that in Technicolor."
“We’re asking everyone to join us by spreading the word to your neighbors, to co-workers, friends and family ahead of time -- and especially to teenagers exploring caves or parked on lonely country roads late at night. Don’t panic. It’s only a test,” a FEMA official said at a press conference. "Seriously -- if there's an actual emergency you won't hear from FEMA for at least a week afterwards."