From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark...Now with 50% More Eggnog!
"Newt Gingrich said that his new front-runner status is 'disorienting.' And then Rick Perry said the same thing about a spiral staircase."
---Seth Meyers
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"Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man?"
---Jay Leno
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"Nothing says Christmas like an AK-47. And even if it doesn't, with an AK-47 you can make Christmas say anything you want it to."
---Stephen Colbert
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"Yesterday, someone threw a pair of shoes at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Iran has captured the shoes and is studying their technology."
---Conan O'Brien
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"I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president. I didn’t realize how easy that would be. I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay president or a supermodel president. I want to see all the different presidents."
---Darryl, on The Office
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"Y'know, that's one of the things I like about him. He's been consistent since he changed his mind."
---Christine O'Donnell, endorsing Mitt Romney for president. Frighteningly, this was not snark.
And five years ago:
"The long anticipated Iraq Study Group report was delivered to President Bush this week. He promised to take it just as seriously as all the other Iraq reports stuffed down between his desk and the wall."
---Amy Poehler
Oh, and also: until midnight tonight, the registration fee for Netroots Nation 2012 (Providence June 7-10) has been marked down to $195---a $40 discount! Click here for info. I believe it's their way of saying, "Happy President's Day!" two months early.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 16, 2011
Note: Okay, okay. You can open one present early. I hope you like it---it's a sweater for your Kraken.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til 2012: 16
Days `til the Oregon Truffle Festival in Eugene: 42
Original number of signatures required before the White House would issue a response to an online petition: 5,000
Number of signatures required now, after two petitions about aliens from other planets reached the 5,000 threshold: 25,000
(Source: Time)
Height of the Sierra white fir Capitol Christmas tree: 63 feet
Approximate number of lights and ornaments, respectively, on it: 10,000 / 2,000
Percent chance that Ben Franklin's birthplace is now a Sir Speedy printing shop: 100%
(Source: Wikipedia)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: I miss Henry Mancini…
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CHEERS to the power of pushback. Here's a follow-up on the October incident during which a 15 year-old gay Chillicothe, Ohio student was savagely beaten by a classmate and it was all captured on video. You may remember the bully was given a mere 3-day suspension and the kid who got beat up was told by school officials to "tone down" his gayness. That prompted national outrage and calls for criminal prosecution. Well, somebody listened because Levi Sever will now spend 90 days in a juvenile detention center:
Ross County Chief Juvenile Court Judge Richard Ward handed down the sentence Wednesday to Sever, who had previously pleaded guilty to a single count of delinquency assault. … In addition to serving a 90-day sentence, Sever was ordered to undergo mental health counseling and continue his education during his detention, said Ross County Prosecutor Matthew Schmidt.
You hope this awful story ends up in a positive place: the bullied kid shakes this off and ends up happy and successful, the bully gets a grip on reality and turns his life around, and the school figures out that a student body chock full of "rednecks" (their term) does not justify a policy of look-the-other-way'ism. And if I may add, now that I'm old enough to know the gravity of what I'm about to say: tut tut.
JEERS to suckitude in Sioux City. Time now for our latest edition of Useful Things I Learned From Watching Last Night's Republican Debate. This concludes our latest edition of Useful Things I Learned From Watching Last Night's Republican Debate.
CHEERS to civil disobedience...with pinky extended. On December 16, 1773, rebellious colonists dumped a few hundred chests of tea into Boston Harbor, an event now known as the Boston Tea Party. It was an act of defiance against the British Crown for imposing taxation without representation. Which is exactly what the modern day "tea party" is all about, plus racism, birtherism, xenophobia, Islamophobia, secession, guns in schools, sour grapes, a shitty status-quo healthcare system, and making the rich as comfortable as possible...but minus the taxation without representation part since they, y'know, do have taxation with representation. (Hint: they're called "Representatives.") We trust they had fun celebrating this, their high holy day. But you didn't see 'em dumping any tea in any harbors, that's for sure. The fines are steep, and the John Galt crowd is cheap.
CHEERS to Hollywood hoopla. The nominations for the 69th Golden Globe Awards (sort of the drunker and more-bleeped version of the Oscars, especially since Ricky Gervais is hosting them again next month) were announced yesterday. The Picture nominees:
DRAMA:
The Descendants
The Help
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
War Horse
COMEDY or MUSICAL
50/50
The Artist
Bridesmaids
Midnight in Paris
My Week with Marilyn
Last week we saw that the cost of buying all 12 gifts of Christmas (the turtle doves and blah blah bah) was $24,263. Coincidentally, that's what you'd fork over to see all of the above movies in a theatre. Assuming you only went during matinees and acquired your popcorn at gunpoint.
P.S. Lincoln looks like awesomeness in the making: Based on the book Team of Rivals by Doris Kearns Goodwin. Directed by Steven Spielberg. Music by John Williams. All-star cast. And get a load of Daniel Day Lewis as Honest Abe---authentic right down to his jeans. History rocks.
JEERS to premature declaration. Earlier this week, thinking that nothing could possibly surpass it, I announced that my Headline of the Year was, "Anti-Gay Alabama GOPer Secretly Donated Sperm To Lesbian Couples In New Zealand." I'm not going to be a Scrooge and take away its trophy, but I am going to break with tradition and give an identical one to this late entry:
Stolen ashes returned to NH woman who brought urn with mother’s remains to bingo for good luck
Saaaaaaaa…lute!!!
CHEERS to der Muzik Mann. When I was 10, me and a busload of 5th grade classmates went to see the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra led by Lorin Maazel. It was the first time I'd ever heard classical music performed by a live orchestra. They jammed on Beethoven's 6th 'Pastoral' symphony, and it was quite an awakening---the first time I discovered how live music can be felt as much as it could be heard. Beethoven was deaf when he wrote it, a fact so astounding that my brain still won't allow me to believe it. Today is his 241st birthday. He got us all a present: Goose bumps.
CHEERS to home vegetation. It's the weekend before the Christmas weekend, and that means we'll be crazy busy lying on the couch watching TV. First off, there are riches galore on the DVD front: Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the remake of Fright Night, the 20th anniversary edition of The Rocketeer and Kung Fu Panda 2. Your NFL schedule is here. (The Patriots will "bust" the Broncos---ha ha ha ha!) Jimmy Fallon hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes, Anderson Cooper swims with the fishes and Meryl Streep radiates awesomeness. And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE random predictions:
Meet the Press: Michele Bachmann; roundtable with E.J. Dionne, Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID), Helene Cooper and Mike Murphy. Random Prediction: You won’t be watching this program.
This Week: They're doing a new "debate" format, starting this weekend with House Budget Committee chairman Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) and George Will vs. Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) and Robert Reich. Random Prediction: After a decade of searching, the janitor finds George Will's lips behind the Coke machine.
CNN's State of the Union: Jon Huntsman; Iraq talk with "Viceroy" Paul Bremer, Gen. James Cartwright and Robin Wright. Random Prediction: Candy Crowley and mistletoe are a dangerous combination.
Washington Week: The sorry state of Congress with Jeanne Cummings of Bloomberg News; the GOP circus with Dan Balz of The Washington Post and Jeff Zeleny of The New York Times; the aftermath of the Iraq war with Laura Meckler of the Wall Street Journal. Random Prediction: Eggnog ends up on the ceiling.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Chris Wallace gives Mitt Romney the Bret Baier treatment (we hope). Random Prediction: No $10,000 bets are made.
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: December 16, 2006
JEERS to the butcher of 10 Downing Street. The reality-based community in Britain dropped a steaming turd on Tony Blair today:
The Government's case for going to war in Iraq has been torn apart by the publication of previously suppressed evidence that Tony Blair lied over Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction. A devastating attack on Mr. Blair's justification for military action by Carne Ross, Britain's key negotiator at the UN, has been kept under wraps until now because he was threatened with being charged with breaching the Official Secrets Act. [...] His hitherto secret evidence threatens to reopen the row over the legality of the conflict, under which Mr. Blair has sought to draw a line as the internecine bloodshed in Iraq has worsened.
"Hello, Tower of London? I’d like to reserve a cell for one, please. Yes, in the wanker turret."
WHOA! to paychecks we'd like to have. The Boston Red Sox must see something very special in Japanese pitcher Daisuki Matsuzaka, because they just signed him to a six-year contract for 52 MILLION dollars. Which works out to about 10 grand a year after he pays for parking.
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And just one more…
JEERS to five years not spent in a jail cell. Don Rumsfeld is a miserable sonuvabitch who was allowed to retire to a comfy rocking chair on this date in 2006. As the Iraq war finally came to an official end yesterday, the neocon wankers are coming out of the woodwork to praise the war criminals who started the mess on a foundation of some of the biggest lies ever told without the preface, "Hey, stop me if you've heard this one…" So, for posterity sake, let's crack open the archives for a little reminder of what Republican leadership looks like, Rummy-style:
"It is unknowable how long that conflict will last. It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months."
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"There's another way to phrase that and that is that the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence."
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"Needless to say, the President is correct. Whatever it was he said."
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"Freedom's untidy, and free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes and do bad things. Stuff happens."
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"We do know of certain knowledge that he [bin Laden] is either in Afghanistan, or in some other country. Or dead."
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"As we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns---the ones we don't know we don't know."
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"I don't do quagmires."
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"You go to war with the Army you have. They’re not the Army you might want or wish to have at a later time."
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"If I said yes, that would then suggest that that might be the only place where it might be done which would not be accurate, necessarily accurate. It might also not be inaccurate, but I'm disinclined to mislead anyone."
May he feel an unpleasant itching, burning sensation for the rest of his miserable life around his kiester---and areas east, west, north and south somewhat. And on that note…
Have a nice weekend. Stay classy. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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