SCHEDULED FOR DELIVERY
Washington, DC
November 7, 2012
My Fellow Americans. It is with my customary humility that I, Newton Leroy Gingrich, come before you on this most auspicious Morning After, to accept your choice of us as Presidents of these United States.
We begin by deferring to our Grand Old Party’s desire to be inclusive and bipartisan. In a spirit of comity, the two of us have flipped a coin and I – the Newt! – hereby accept the title of President. Willard Mitt Romney will assume the position of Vice-President. We will be rotating our positions annually, mindful that about 50% of you will probably be unhappy whatever the results of our current flip and ultimate flop to come, so to speak.
I assure the nation – and all the nations of the world, and all the others – that we will overcome the rancorous nominating convention as well as our razor-thin electoral victory. I would be remiss if I failed to acknowledge the breakthrough work to achieve the election results in states who eliminated rampant voter fraud by enacting strict registration and stricter ID requirements, and streamlined their democratic processes by banning early voting and closing the polls during breakfast, lunch, dinner and after-dinner hours so people could worship, be at home with their families or keep looking for work.
As far as we're concerned, you have spoken clearly, bestowing upon us a mandate to govern … and even more importantly, not to govern.
We look forward to get Washington working again, as it should, with as light a hand as possible on the tiller of capitalism. Majority Leader McConnell has committed to abolishing the filibuster and other fusty relics of the Senate's soon-to-be-bygone past. Speaker Boehner will be revamping committee assignments and procedures to reflect the upcoming 4 to 1 ratio of Republicans to Democrats in the redistricted House.
And now, for our much-awaited Cabinet appointments. With these, you will see that we have capitalized on the GOP’s fabulous resources, finest minds and the availability of those who didn't make it to the finals earlier this year.
YOUR REPUBLICAN CABINET in 2013
Secretary of State: John Bolton
His experience is the stuff of legend. (Besides, I already appointed him during my campaign.)
Secretary of Treasury: Ron Raul
You see? We listened when Democrats demanded that the Treasury Secretary not come from Wall Street! To assure consistency in economic policy-making, the classic economist's on-the-one-hand/on-the-other vacillating indecision has got to stop, so we also make this a joint appointment as Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board and the Council of Economic Advisors - the entire Council.
Secretary of Defense: Herman Cain
He has become obdurate about this. (To buttress Herman's unique style, see Director of Homeland Security below.)
Attorney General: Michelle Bachmann
An accomplished tax litigator and bright light advocate, she has a running start on this job.
Secretary of the Interior: Mitch Daniels
After all, Indiana is about as interior as you'd ever want to get.
Secretary of Agriculture: Rick Perry
Let's hear a Yell! for this Texan, so ideally qualified by his education as a Aggie.
Secretary of Commerce: Jon Huntsman
He's a diplomat, so he ought to know what to do with cap-and-trade.
Secretary of Labor: Scott Walker
Sorry as we were to hear of Scott's untimely recall, it did make him available to us on a Federal level to continue his proven record of labor bargaining.
Secretary of Health & Human Services: Rick Santorum
If you need an explanation for this one, Google him.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Donald Trump
We are snowed by his Trumped-up expertise in all kinds of development, especially self development.
Secretary of Transportation: Marco Rubio
After all, the Cubans who wound up in Florida had to rely on transportation, didn't they? So this guy must be naturally good at it.
Secretary of Energy: Sarah Palin
Sarah is defined by her commitment to Alaska and its energy. Drilling will proceed shortly, pipeline or not.
Secretary of Education: Marcus Bachmann
We commend his strong track record in education, re-education and job creation.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Left vacant
All veterans will be assigned to perpetually revolving tours of active duty on the many fronts where we will be opening bases to reestablish America’s muscular military superiority. There will no longer be any "veteran" status for it is not likely the troops will be coming back very soon.
Director of Homeland Security: Dick Cheney
We also appoint this Great American to be National Security Advisor for Life.
Whipping Boy: Barney Frank
Although he has declined the honor, we are appointing him to it anyway.
We are eager to swear these nominees in as soon as they pledge to repeal all existing regulations and submit their plans to remit 50% or, hopefully, more of their budgets toward restoring the strength of this great nation and its host of dependent defense contractors.
We will not be taking questions.