I have been here for over four years now and have written extensively about personal issues, from my health, my weight to struggling to find my voice and my place in this world.
I grew up amongst a great deal of uncertainty, abuse and neglect. All of this has acted upon an already neurotic mind to make a painfully insecure girl into an even more insecure woman.
I have worked a great deal to fight against my depression, my sulkiness and my tendency to protect myself to the point of being down right self centered. No one else looked out for me at home so I found that I had to do so much on my own.
And I have grown so much. I fought to come back from being sick when no doctor would or could find something and came to term with my diagnosis. I even found myself saying how blessed I was for someone with Fibro and RA. I was dong really well only having a flare now and again. It was if things were going too well.
Then came this accident and I find myself struggling more than ever and in more pain than I have been in, in a long time. I thought that I least I could write while I got better but writing is harder than ever and the dictation software I got on the cheap just does not work for me, does not feel right. Writing with one hand is difficult and slow, the new computer I got (Thank goodness for zero interest loans to instructors) is now mostly used for stupid online games. My shoulders have been going out on me too.
And on the financial front we have a lot going on, from attempting to get our home loan modified since my income is 33% of what it was in '09 to the fact that our house has lost 1/4 of its value since we bought it, so we cannot refinance. Not only that, I am not working right now because of the accident and since we need a new car we cannot finance anything until the mod goes through and B of A is killing us with paper work requests. The frustration we feel cannot be measured!
I feel unworthy because I have found myself in an emotional place that I do not like, one of a whining, selfish and scared person. Human of course, but finding myself back here again is not where I want to be. And I have honestly not been feeling all warm and fuzzy about the community here. I have felt abandoned by many recently.
But I did get that wondrous email that states some anonymous donor had purchased me a lifetime subscription and I feel shame and embarrassment for being so frustrated and hurt.
I have felt so lost for so long when I really could not be anymore blessed. I am still here.
I have one of the most loving, smart and amazing daughters. I have a wonderful husband who has been doing so much over the last six weeks.
And yet I still have not found where my wonder is, who I am besides a Mother, a wife, a friend, etc. I have not found my passion, at forty I have not found what I want to be when I grow up.
And here I am. I have found out that my RA has done damage to some my major joints. I am struggling to do simple things like make a fist with my left hand since the cast kept me from being able to move my fingers. I still have swelling on my ankle and it hurts quite a bit and find it hard to sit up right because my right hip hurts so much. Simple tasks have become even more difficult.
I know, give it time. But it scares me that this may be it, what if this as good as I get? Or that if it is going to get worse?
I do not feel worthy because I feel broken, frustrated and negative and I really do not like it when I get like this. This is not the person I am proud of and I have fought hard to overcome her.
But I still am grateful to you, whom ever you are because of your generosity.
Daily Kos is a place that we even forgive people for being human. And there are many here who have supported my writing, my mental health and so much more. You have been there for me, there are too many to name.
Thank you. Thank you for putting up with me and my quirkiness.
And thank you for letting us be fragile, human and vulnerable.