My wife has been a volatile person for many years. Mood swings were common, but my daughter and I assumed that maybe it was menopause. The hot flashes had been going on for years. Two auto accidents, one in 2003 and another in 2007, seemed to make the anger go over the top. During the legal battle of the second accident, my wife was sent to be evaluated by two psychologists. The second doctor interviewed both my wife and I. I informed him of the many intolerable angry outbursts. He proceeded to test my wife. His findings included anxiety and depression, which could provoke bursts of anger.
I've been under a lot of stress myself. I had been my aunt's guardian until her death in February. For five years, I was court ordered to visit her monthly in Florida, which made me a very good Delta customer. I took in my demented father in March of 2010. He still lives with me. Thank God for great assistance from the VA and hospice. I run a small business, but that has suffered as I give my time to others. I also have begun a charity. I was the victim of a doctor's mistake in 2003. I died for several minutes during a "routine procedure". I figured out that I was still here for a reason, so I'm giving back. I assist less fortunate young women in Central and Eastern Europe. Helping others seems to give me an "inner peace" in my maddening world. I'll be writing diaries on these other topics in the coming months.
In January, a friend of my daughter's approached me. She asked me if I had seen my daughter's Facebook entry that day. Of course, I had not. My daughter said, "I can't take this anymore", which I've cleaned up. She was talking about her mother. I'd always thought my wife's wrath was targeted at me. It was time to have a talk with my daughter. I learned that my daughter felt verbally abused for as long as she could remember. A few times, my wife grabbed her by the throat, because she didn't understand her homework from school. Mostly, my wife didn't help with homework at all. I did. I had to erase the crap that my daughter was being taught in Christian schools, another topic. I was the prototypical Mr. Mom. I bathed my daughter until she was old enough to do it herself. I drove her to school. We studied together. She would travel with me to visit my clients. She had her own "office" under my desk. We've always been close. For the past two years, we've taken four history courses together at the University of Delaware.
My wife obviously was jealous. She started calling her daughter "an idiot" and "a loser" in public. My wife's niece is a princess. She can do no wrong in the eyes of the family. My wife always compares our daughter to the niece, who got A's at university in an easy major. She wouldn't have lasted one semester taking the math and science courses that my daughter has taken to complete her major, Animal Sciences. I'm very proud of my daughter for what she's accomplished. She'll complete her degree this year. Mom has never praised her. Everything is negative.
I decided that my daughter and I should see a psychologist. First, I called the psychologist that tested my wife. I told him what was going on. My daughter decided that her mother was bi-polar. This doctor confirmed it. She had all the manic episodes and the manic shopping sprees, where she would easily spend hundreds or thousands on pure junk. We decided to consult the first doctor who had seen my wife. We told him what was going on. I documented many of the episodes. He, too confirmed the bi-polar diagnosis. My wife is seeing a psychologist, but he is treating her for ADD. The ADD medicine makes bi-polar episodes worse. Of course, my wife is in denial that she has a problem. I called her psychologist and told him what was truly going on. His response...he called my wife! Anyway, back to our consult, we were told to isolate ourselves from my wife to avoid conflicts, if she refused to seek help with her disorder. We had a trip planned for Spring Break in Florida. We were told not to take her along. He was right. After one day, we wanted to come home.
I should mention that I called my wife's sister to ask for help. She listened, but her response was that her sister was normal, and that my daughter and I were the problem, even though two professionals said otherwise. Bi-Polar Disorder is genetic, so the sister and others in the family may be ill, as well. It was obvious at that point that my daughter and I were on an island, alone. That sister's daughter was to have a high school graduation party in June. I wasn't to be invited, since I was no longer a member of the family!
In April, I bought a reclining chair, a place to relax when I needed a break. I couldn't rest in my own bedroom, as the TV was blaring or my wife would be talking to one of her two friends for hours about what she did at work that day. She hates her job, but it is her whole life. She leaves for work at 4:30 AM. It's a forty minute drive. She doesn't get paid until 7:30 AM. She is supposed to clock out at 3:15 PM, but often she gets home at 6:00 PM. The entire ride home, she talks on the phone about work, then talks for hours more while at home. So, I bought the chair. When my wife saw it, she asked, "who bought a chair for MY HOUSE without MY PERMISSION. Everything to her is My, My, My. Things escalated that evening. As I was trying to go to sleep, I was threatened with physical violence. I should have called the police. I didn't know about Protection From Abuse order. I know now.
Things kept getting worse. My daughter and I needed a break, away from my father and my wife. By the way, my wife is an RN. She does nothing to help with my father. My daughter and I do everything for him. He's at the point where he needs someone with him at all times. I was able to get my father placed in respite. My daughter and I were off for Europe, to see places that we had studied. We told my wife 4 days before the trip that we were going. She exploded! Se called my daughter a liar, and she said that her own daughter had betrayed her. My daughter cried most of that night, as I hugged her. The wrath for me was worse. I thought I was in the exorcist movie. In a voice that was not my wife's, I was told that "the devil is coming for you", "you are going to hell", and on and on. Before we went away, my wife took my daughter's credit card and my joint American Express card was taken from my wallet. I feared the worst. I set up an appointment with a divorce lawyer to my return.
We heard nothing from my wife during the trip, not even a text message to see if her daughter was okay. The family was too busy falling over the niece's new baby. Photos were on Facebook.
Upon our return, my wife didn't speak to us for two days. Mostly she was locked in her room with the dogs. When she did appear, the angry look on her face was truly scary. The first time she spoke was to my daughter as she came home from work, "Look, IT is home". She called her daughter "It". Later in the week, I was threatened about financial matters. She made a call to someone, I assume her attorney, and she backed off. I met my attorney last Friday. Delaware law requires a six month separation before one can file for divorce. I heard my wife say to a friend that she couldn't wait until January, which would be six months. My attorney said that I do not have to wait six months, since I am being mentally abused. We signed the papers that day to protect me from my wife trying to sell the house or other matters. A surprise is coming her way, as she would never expect me to have the courage to file for divorce. My main fear has always been...I don't have health insurance. I think I'm going to be okay! My daughter and I will get through this together!
I want to share with you a letter my daughter and I wrote to my wife before we went on the trip. Everyone we showed it to cried. My wife apparently showed it to friends and family. They responded that they'd all like to be abused like we have been.
"Maybe if Mom would take her medications, everything would be okay? Your daughter said this to me last night while she was crying. That's the reason I called your sister a few months ago ..to ask her for help to get you the proper care and to take the medications for your disorder. The ADD medicine that you currently take make your symptoms worse.
We seem to be easy targets for you. Your daughter is convinced that your symptoms have gotten worse since your most recent auto accident, and I agree. Episodes used to be more spread out, but not anymore. One moment you want to be our friend, then in the next instance you unleash your fury. We've done everything possible to try to make your life easier at home by doing your jobs. The only thing you have to do are supposed to be your hobbies, cooking and your orchids. We used to help with the orchids, but you'd yell at us if we put one in the wrong place on the rack or spill the water. But, doctors tell me that you can't just target us. They tell me that your job and your co-workers must be affected. I remember a young French girl who felt your wrath on our last flight together. An "excuse me" from either of you was in order. The situation would have been resolved. Things escalated to the point that we were lucky airline employees didn't intercede.
Other people do notice. Your nephew salutes you, and calls you "Hitler." A few years ago, you asked our daughter's friend, A, to move in with us, using the spare room. A told our daughter "No, thank you." She said moving in with us would be worse than living with her own mother, who, as you know was a problem for A.
Our daughter sat with me last night for hours. Her eyes are swollen today from crying. She was asking me questions like, "Why doesn't Mom love me?" "Why does she always make fun of me at social events? She always answers questions for me like I'm not standing in the room." "Why does she call me a loser or an idiot?" "Why doesn't she ever tell me that I am Special"? "Why doesn't she ever say that she is proud of me"? Maggie had limited secondary school education at those Christian schools, and no science at all. She's done very well at one of the most difficult universities in the country. You always compare her to your niece. Your niece received A's in an easy major. I would bet that your niece wouldn't last one semester studying our daughter's major.
My Dad has been living in our house for almost 17 months with dementia. You know how taxing that is for me, and our daughter. It's probably a burden for you too, in your own way. Thank God I get some assistance from hospice and the VA. The respites that I get from these agencies are a welcome relief. But, the last three times he's been given respite, you've been off work the exact same days. I never really get a break. I need one now. I am so stressed out. All the caregivers know it. Two weeks ago, I went to the Post Office. The lady who works there said that she didn't recognize me. She could see the stress in my body language. I was shaking.
My best friend died on June 1. He meant a lot to me. When I told you, you said, "Aww, that's a shame. You're not going to the funeral." As you were speaking, I was saying to you that I wouldn't go to the West Coast. You didn't comfort me. I walked five miles that night with tears streaming down my face. You just didn't care. I couldn't believe it. A few weeks earlier, we met a woman on the airport train who worked at your hospital. She told you that her mother had died, and you cried. You didn't even know the woman.
My Mom died in 2006. You had planned a trip to Florida with friends. I let you go the day after we buried Mom. It was okay. You deserved the trip. I stayed home and cried alone for a week. When you returned, we basically passed in the night. I was out the door within a few hours to begin caring for my demented aunt for the next five years, as it turned out. I never had a chance to grieve, and then, only alone. I hated flying to Florida every month, but it was my responsibly...wait, you say I have no responsibilities. I say that I hated these trips, but near the end, as grueling as it was, sometimes it was a release for me from the pressure at home.
Since the first of the year, the pressure has intensified. My hair is falling out from the stress. My cardiologist has been monitoring me since January. I'm taking flecainide more frequently at night due to irregular beats, probably pvc's or pac's, but certainly some atrial fibrillation as well. I wasn't taking any medications before. He says that stress is the cause, and keep trying to hang in there. A friend from Ohio has suggested that I add lots of potassium, so I'm doing that too. She also has me taking herbal substances to relax, which seem to be working. All of the caregivers who come to the house know how bad things are for my daughter and me. The VA is constantly sending support for both of us, because they are concerned with the welfare of their patient, my father. Psychologists have been to the house.
Maggie told me last night that her last semester at UD was her most difficult. The courses and workload were a challenge for her, but added pressures at home almost put her over the edge. You mentioned her excess weight to me the other day. Maggie says the weight gain is from stress. I've got to try to get her calmed down, but it's difficult when I'm suffering too.
My daughter and I are trying desperately to get you to open your eyes, to see the damage you are creating. The disease is a bad one. I can't imagine what you are going through. Actually, you probably have no idea that you say or do the things that you do. I say this because hours or days later, you act as if nothing happened. A psychologist told my daughter and me that if you refuse to get the medications you need, which will alleviate the episodes, we must isolate ourselves from you to lessen the potential for confrontations. You've noticed that we stay in our domain more. That is the reason.
We have needed a break. We decided to go to Orlando for Spring Break, but you wanted to come too. Our psychologist told us to go alone, but how could we say no to you. Do you remember the week before the trip? Something happened on Tuesday. You decided to spend the next night at a friend's, but you came home the next night. We had no idea at that point if you were traveling to Florida or not. You asked about the trip. When I mentioned to you that we weren't sure that you were still going, you changed the subject, which you do often. The trip was back on, but then you couldn't pack on Friday. You were home all day, but you just couldn't get it together. It wasn't until we got you out the door the next morning that we knew you would be with us. The second day, you exploded. The next afternoon, you were okay again. You wanted to hold hands, and then yet another episode. As we were leaving at Orlando airport, I asked our daughter at what point would the next event occur. I knew that it would happen at the airport, and it did..in the security line, in the boarding process, on the plane. By the time we got home, it was over. You told people you had a great time. We did too, but at points, we wanted to go home early.
This current trip wasn't decided upon until the last minute. We are really suffering. The only solution was to get away. I asked lots of people for opinions, and they all agreed. We must release our stress. We must begin to live our lives for ourselves. We'd love to have the "old you" back, the one who enjoyed life and our trips. But, until you decide to seek help, our daughter and I must try to regain our own sanity. Hopefully, we will return refreshed. Hopefully, you will want to seek the help you need so that you can begin to enjoy life again. Lots of people have your disorder, and they function fine with proper medications. You can do it too, if you try. We'll help you, but you have to want to help yourself.
You know that something is wrong. Do you remember the depositions for your auto accident? At the lawyer's office, you cried when I talked to the other lawyer, and you asked to leave the room. At the settlement, again you wept uncontrollably. At a psychological interview, the doctor asked me about your behavior. I told him that you have episodes frequently, and that these episodes hurt me a lot. I never knew how badly you have been hurting our daughter until January. She told me that she's felt abused for as long as she can remember. None of her friends want to come to the house. They set up the basement for themselves, but now it's empty. Think about that. Our daughter just told me why. I certainly feel abuse too. My Dad abused me, and now I'm getting it again. It's not your fault. Get some help. A few medical modifications will have you back to normal. You can't keep doing this to us, and others.
I know that you get jealous because our daughter and me do things together. We are living on an island. Your whole family has turned their backs on us. Our daughter asked for help again this week. She heard silence, as usual. Our daughter and I feel alone. We have become best friends. I'm her father. I'm going to protect against all harm, if I can. We may have trouble surviving for a while, but we'll make it somehow. She's a good person. I am too. I'd hate to see you give up on her. She needs you. You wanted her, but now, in her hour of need, you want to abandon her. I'm not leaving her side.
Try to think clearly. You have good moments. Put your anger away. Get some help before it's too late. We've suffered enough. You are slowly killing me, but maybe that's your plan. How badly do you want to damage your daughter? Help yourself! Help us! We all need a big hug."
Update: I've filed for divorce due to mental abuse! I can only hope that everything works out! I have no health insurance, but my lawyer says that I can COBRA my wife's policy at her employer. My daughter is totally with me. We will struggle together! I'm not sure yet where we will live. One friend is very concerned about us!
Update 2: (Early September) My attorney filed with the court immediately based upon mental abuse. This type of filing would have bypassed the 6 month separation requirement of our state. My wife appealed the mental abuse claim. My attorney told me not to challenge the appeal because she would charge $400/hour and a psychologist would charge at a similar rate. So, I decided to wait the six months.
The Delaware VA has been wonderful. They have been aware of the situation in my house for several months. My personal well being was a concern to the VA, as I am the caregiver for my father. He is demented and living in my house. The VA decided to give me a break. They agreed to place my father in a nursing home for 30 days as a respite at no expense to us. The social worker told me to use this time to get away from everything and relax. I followed instructions gladly. I took two trips over the next 17 days. But, in reality, the trips were only a band-aid. I came back to the same stress as before. I had no idea what to expect from my wife. While I was away, she was served by the sheriff with the divorce papers, so I expected the worse.
To my surprise, a few days after my return, my wife asked me if I wanted to keep the house. I thought the house would be a big fight. She told me that if I could find a co-signer for the mortgage, the house could be mine. The house is important, because I still have my daughter going to university and my father still lives with me. An apartment in my area would cost as much as the current mortgage.
The VA came through again! They agreed to another 30 days for my father. At this point, I was very depressed about everything. I struggled for nearly a month. Then, magically I just snapped out of it. I've become productive again, as best as I can. My daughter wants to go away for Thanksgiving and Christmas to be with the family of her friend who shot himself in August. They live in Indiana and Iowa. Everything seemed promising, but plans have fallen through, as of now. At least part of that family will spend their Christmas near us! My daughter is excited about that.
I had plans to go away for Thanksgiving, and I mentioned this to the VA. Again, the Delaware VA came through for me. Rather than bring my father home for a few weeks, then send him back to the nursing home(a traumatic event for him), they have agreed to another 30 days. I have written another diary, "I was killed in 2003 by a doctor's mistake" which will touch on my upcoming Thanksgiving journey. I think you will find this diary to be a very uplifting story! After this next 30 days expires, I've been told that my father is mine to keep, unless his condition declines. I may have to make a decision regarding my father in the Spring as the divorce becomes finalized. I have to protect my health as well as his.
I got my father back. He has been a real chore. He hallucinated all night on Friday. He was screaming, "Please help me". He told me that he'd been shot in the war, and he couldn't walk. I had him on several meds as directed by hospice, but nothing worked. Finally, he went to sleep, and he slept for 15 hours. He's not eating or drinking, and his demeanor is terrible. He curses at me all the time. This is so difficult for me, because he was an abusive father when I was younger. Now, I'm getting it again, because no family member will help me. I have to get him placed.
I received bad news today. A very nice person agreed to be a co-signer for my mortgage two weeks ago. Now she tells me that her bank will not allow her to do so. She is in the middle of a refinance herself. I have to find someone within the next two months. The co-signing carries very little risk. There will be $150,000-200,000 equity in the home. In a worst case scenario, we just sell the house. I'd like to pass the house on to my daughter when that time comes. She wants to live here still. She will get nothing from her mother, it seems. If anyone in the Kos community wants to lend a helping hand on this matter, BearDel will be forever grateful! We could very well face living on the street soon. How ironic that I've spent the past six years helping others, and now it's my daughter and I who need a boost. I'm very afraid!
This will be a very bleak Christmas. I have no plans other than to go to church on Christmas Eve, at the invitation of a professor friend. I'll probably be spending this Christmas alone with my demented father. As a caregiver, someone has to stay with him. I was able to really get the ball rolling with the Medicaid process yesterday and today. Hopefully, I will be able to get my father placed in a nursing home soon. The VA Social Worker will be here in the morning, as will a Medicaid nurse, to advise me. My tank is near empty on many fronts. Merry Christmas fellow Kos readers.