Christmas is over for 2011. In the week between Christmas and New Year's Eve/Day I take time to organize and put things in order. The blur of holiday parties is almost over for another year. I have had a very blessed Christmas and have tried to share my blessings with others this year. It's nice to play the Santa role.
Luckily, only one of my social obligations gets me to shake my head in apprehension and it's a lulu. Unfortunately, if I talk about it, I'll sound whiny and obnoxious.
For years I've just smiled and nodded at this function. Nothing to see here. Move along. Avoid politics, religion and health issues. Keep it simple, banal. Avoid controversy and you'll have a Merry Christmas. Except, that's a bunch of hogwash.
Today, three days later, I'm still irked. I don't care if I sound whiny, ungrateful or obnoxious. I'm pissed. What happened is the slow burn that delayed the eventual blow up. I was royally PO'd, but I didn't vent; good manners prevented the venting. I'm positive the other party is oblivious to just how angry I am about their obnoxious behavior.
Since I decided years ago to give up on changing the dynamics of this one family situation and make the best of it, the other side decided to ratchet up the insults. The more I give the benefit of doubt, ignore the jabs and make the best of it; the more they needle, bait and taunt. This family negotiates like Republicans in that they take, but don't give and what concessions they offer are no concession at all.
I've tried talking things out. I've tried intermediaries. I've tried offering alternatives. I've had the alternatives accepted only to have them rescinded with less than 4 hours notice. They refuse to come to our house (among our many "sins", we have a tobacco free home); so we must go to theirs. I wouldn't even go except that it would cause trouble in the family if I stayed away. No, it's their way or the highway and they make sure the highway is closed.
This year they out did themselves. Look, I get it. One elderly family member insists upon this dysfunctional get together. They don't want us there any more than we want to be there; but do they have to rub our faces in it? No, I think not. And, more to the point, I don't think I'm going to give them another opportunity to abuse me in the future.
What did they do? It would be shorter to write the list of insults they somehow managed to avoid.
I understand the ubiquitous diet sabotage. That's everywhere during the holidays. What I don't get is the prohibition against me bringing anything to the family feast.
I get the fact that I'm a liberal visiting a right wing-nut family, but if they don't want to talk about politics; they shouldn't start it, because I'll finish it with accurate facts that counters Kool-Aid fueled foolishness. I still like Obama and yes, I supported Hillary Clinton. I still like Barack Obama and Joe Biden over John McCain and Sarah Palin any day of the week, month or year thank you very much. And, the whys of that are TNTC (too numerous to count); but if they obtusely insist, I can oblige them in the future.
I really believe that people who don't approve of abortion shouldn't have one. I also want them to stay the hell out of my womb and my womb's business. If they don't want to hear my views on choice, then don't. bring. it. up.
I get the fact that we live different lives, vocations and hobbies. They smoke tobacco, we don't. They have a pit bull. We have a Japanese Chin/Chihuahua mutt. They drink more beer and soda. We drink more wine and tea. They eat highly processed food and we avoid it whenever possible. We're different and we need to accept that in each other. I don't criticize them, so I don't get how it's in any way polite for them to openly criticize us, their guests for how we live. I really don't get how constantly making nasty snide remarks and digs is the proper way to host a family get together.
[What I wanted to say, but didn't is in brackets.]
Yes, hubby (at his age) plays video games and watches cartoons. [No, it's not immature, it's fun.] Yes, I'm a political news junkie. [No, it doesn't waste my time, it's called being informed.] Yes, the kid is still in college and yes, she's been in college for 5 years. [No, she isn't unmotivated, she's taking a tough major.] Yes, I have a big hobby room full of craft stuff.[No, it's not a waste of space. No, I'm not getting rid of that stuff.] Yes, I spend 10 or more hours exercising per week. Yes, it feels good. [No, I'm not kidding.] Yes, we have too much stuff. (It comes with living over 50 years.) Yes, we are getting rid of stuff, reorganizing stuff and moving stuff around. No, we don't have a storage unit. [No, we didn't buy a bigger house when we had the chance. Yes, we are grateful we aren't underwater in our mortgage, but we don't want to mention that as it would be rude and seem like we're gloating.]
[BTW, if you don't like the amount of stuff around my house, then (for pete's sake), rethink giving me George Foreman grills, quesadilla makers, waffle makers, sandwich makers, fragrance diffusers, clothes (that you would wear, but I won't), clothes that fit me 2 sizes ago (but can't be returned or exchanged), candy dishes, yet another cake pan that makes really neat figures or flying pigs.]
Am I hard to buy for? I guess so, because I really don't appreciate George Foreman grills, quesadilla makers, waffle makers, sandwich makers, fragrance diffusers, clothes (that they would wear, but I won't), clothes that fit me 2 sizes ago that can't be returned or exchanged, candy dishes, yet another cake pan that makes really neat figures or flying pigs. (I hope the Salvation Army or Good Will does.) (I do like the fairy figurenes, but 25 of them is too effing many.) Look, I have allergies; so candles, kiwi, going to see the circus and (unfortunately) pooties are out. Blowing tobacco smoke in my face is really out. I do like a lot of things that you don't approve of like a dkos subscription. Maybe I wouldn't be so hard to buy for if they accepted me for who I am - a somewhat pragmatic, geeky, middle aged liberal woman who loves her woozles and strives to remain physically active and up to date.
These things are old news. I go and ignore it. I don't make waves, but this year was different. This year the nastiness was heightened. The tension was palpable. It started with giving us three different times to be there only to be chastised for showing up at the wrong time after confirming the correct time with the hostess. They made sure we knew we aren't on "the list" at their gated community. They openly complained about every gift they opened from us - even the ones we bought from their wish lists. All we needed was a Miss Scarlett, Col. Mustard and a lead pipe to cap this ill advised adventure.
My daughter anticipated this family get together wasn't going to go well and decided to ditch this one and sent us with her regrets and gifts. What did they do? Nothing much, they didn't say they were sorry she wasn't there. They didn't reciprocate holiday cheer. They just complained between pointed barbs directed at us when they weren't ignoring us. It was the quintessential sit-com holiday scene that was excruciatingly uncomfortable. The elderly family member who insisted on this get together was alternately embarrassed at their behavior and then tried to defend their obnoxiousness by blaming us. The hosts? They were too boorish to notice they embarrassed themselves.
I smiled, nodded and tried to be gracious as my mother raised me to be. I failed. We left early and went on to our next engagement (which our hosts were alternately complaining about us leaving too soon between their sighs of relief). Thankfully, the next house was a happy holiday riot in full gear. Happy people in good cheer making fun and laughing at the goof ups. The laughter and fun was just what we needed. The infectious silliness was perfect. We forgot the less than ideal family visit.
The contrast sunk in on the way home.
I'm over it. Stick a fork in me. I'm done.
Christmas is a joyous time that really needs to be appreciated. There won't be a repeat performance next year. I don't care how much cajoling bs is directed at me to change my mind. I'm only going to go where I'm wanted. I really don't think anyone living in that house will mind if I don't drop by.
UPDATE: Good Morning! I vented last night and went to bed thinking at least I had my say. Apparently, I struck a note of solidarity. Thanks for the recs. Peace on.