The Horse and his Boy
As time goes on, classics of children's literature do not have the proper impact for a modern audience. So it is with the C.S. Lewis stories of Narnia, which has incredibly outdated morals and values.
And so, in part 5 of our continuing series, we learn about... Terrorists...
(Synopsis on the flip)
The story begins with Shasta. He lives with a fisherman named Arsheesh, who also seems to be able to tend an oil well in the back of his shack, but refuses to sign over his rights to a large Narnian corporation, thus proving he's a communist.
One day, a party member from the south arrives and attempts to have Shasta drafted into the Glorious Calormen People's Army. It is here that we find out that Shasta was actually right not to love Arsheesh, who was just a dirty commie, despite the fact that Arsheesh raised the boy, cared for him, and provided education and health care. Nope, because he's a commie, we now see that he's the true face of evil, and so Shasta immediately plans to run away to the land of Narnia, where people can pull themselves up by their bootstraps, just like Jesus intended!
Shasta finds out that the noble's horse, Bree, is in fact a talking Narnian horse. This horse is fulfilling his god directed duty of being a servant, but he's doing it in the WRONG place, for commie terrorist Muslims, and so wishes to run off to Narnia, where he can serve a good Narnian master. Since Shasta is the only white person around, Bree immediately knows that he's a Christian, and so for the rest of the book acts properly subservient.
After a short journey, during which the horse and boy stay in the most luxurious casino/hotels along the Calormen coast, the two meet a second rider and horse, which they immediately assume is another party member from the south. They intend to hide from the commies, but are tricked by lions into meeting up with them. It turns out that the party member is in fact a girl, named Aravis along with her talking horse. The horses attempt to get her to tell her story, and she must acquiese in the proper manner of things. After all, the horses are Christians, which makes them better than her, even though they are servants.
Aravis is a descendent of the God Tash, but it is made very clear that this is merely a euphemism for Satan, or Mohammed, Since they both mean exactly the same thing. Aravis' father properly had arranged her marriage, (Which is unusual for a commie, but it is explained that even commie terrorist Muslims can occasionally do the right thing) but she didn't want to obey her father. She prepared to kill herself rather than marry her chosen husband, when the Christian horse she was riding, Hwin, explained that if she went to Narnia, she could properly submit to a good white man, instead of a filthy commie.
Aravis escapes by claiming that she's going to a pre-marriage pagan orgy, which of course her father heartily agrees with. During this, she gives her mandatory lesbian lover (Which it's established that ALL young women in this society are expected to have) a roofie and leaves her with a pamphlet that explains how the lover is evil and must take Jesus into her heart. After this, Aravis pretends that she went off with her proper husband via text message, and runs away.
Finally, the two people arrive at Tashbaan, which is heavily guarded by Narnian soldiers. Tashbaan has been under Narnian liberation for some time now, but the filthy commies who live there have been engaging in acts of terrorism, so as a result every person is checked thoroughly. Except Shasta of course, who is immediately seen as a Narnian, and taken to the Green Zone.
In the green zone, it turns out that Queen Susan of Narnia is being courted by the son of the greatest prince in the land. This normally would be a good thing, complete with a Narnian reality series, but it turns out that Rabadash is GASP a terrorist! Yes, it turns out that the prince of Calormen was only PRETENDING to be a Christian, which was the only reason that queen Susan agreed to that date... Rumors of the Susan/Rabadash sex tape are merely rumors... until Queen Susan gets home of course, and then it turns out that it's real and Queen Susan gets a new series "I was prisoner of the evil sex commie terrorist satanists!"
It turns out that Shasta looks exactly like Corin, who is a young officer in the Narnian Air Force. Corin is also the son of the Christian family that rules the neighboring kingdom of Archenland.
Shasta leaves the green zone when the Narnian forces withdraw after killing the Calormen number two man and declaring victory. This of course is NOT taken well back home by the Narnians, who know that King Peter is just cutting and running, until King Peter makes a public announcement that Jesus himself told Peter to bring the troops home. That shuts them all up, as the Narnian media will tell you, and rumors of hot sauce sprayed satyrs are merely unfounded rumors.
But back to the plot. Shasta waits for Aravis at the Tomb of the Ancient kings. He is feted to a good Narnian rock group and an endless parade of good revival experiences as he waits. Of course Aravis, being a silly girl, doesn't give ANY thought to how Shasta is suffering, since there's only ONE Christian channel on Calormen TV, and all the rest broadcast award winning pagan/satan/muslim/terrorist programming that erodes moral values.
It turns out that Aravis was recognized by a rich friend of hers, and after she was forced, FORCED I tell you, to engage in lascivious acts that are detailed for ten pages of loving detail, her friend helped her escape. During the escape, the two stumble across a plan by the Calormens to bomb Cair Paravel. They not only plan to take Cair Paravel, but also to create a Tash Mosque on the site of where they bombed the castle!
After this, the group immediately phones in a tip to Narnian Homeland Security, which raises the Terror alert to RED! King Peter is briefed regarding the specific threat during a golf game, and he decides to of course, do nothing and let Jesus solve the problem.
Aravis and Shasta arrive at the hermit's house, after a strange sequence in which Jesus shows up and has Aravis beat herself for all her nasty gay sins earlier in the book. The hermit tends to Aravis, and sends Shasta on ahead.
Shasta gets lost and ends up in Narnia proper. Jesus shows up, and engages everyone in a sparkling re-dedication ceremony, where Shasta accepts Jesus into his heart, and thereafter becomes a true paragon of humanity, who can truly do whatever he wants from now on, and Jesus will forgive him!
Soon the Narnian Army shows up, and immediately takes every suspicious and left leaning animal into custody, because there's a terrorist threat. The REAL prince Corin wants to fight, but it's clearly explained to him that political heir apparents only serve in the Narnian National Guard, not the proper army. Corin and SHasta sign up to fight with the National Guard, which inexplicably is then sent to the Archenland front.
The battle is told from the perspective of the Hermit, who is watching the war on his TV. It opens with a bomb going off in Cair Paravel, and then glorious Narnian army soldier detaining the entire population of Archenland. Clearly, if the terrorists are going to Archenland, they must have a support system in place. The war ends with the permanent stationing of Narnian troops in Archenland, at the invite of the appointed ruler, who quickly figured out which side his bread was buttered on, and swore fealty to Narnia.
Aravis is then greeted by prince Cor, who turns out to be Shasta. It turns out that Shasta was ALWAYS a Christian, and was raised by evil commies because he was abducted from his proper home. It is also revealed that the only way that Aravis can stay in Archenland is if she's a citizen, since Archenland and Narnia are in the process of building ten meter high electrified fences with talking alligators on constant patrol.
Prince Rabadash has been captured, and the Narnians decide that he should be let go, since he's only a corporate criminal, and if they punish him, they will not have access to cheap Calormen goods. However, Rabadash refuses to make a deal where he swears to become a Christian, and so as a result is executed. The next Calormen they bring in immediately becomes a Christian and agrees to get Nar-mart as many cheap goods as they want.
Aravis and Shasta are married in a quicky ceremony on Narnian TV, during which we find out that Aravis was ALWAYS a christian too, so it's all ok. No, really, she was. Look, we don't have to provide you with the evidence, just take our word for it, she was always a christian, and just had to hide it from the commie/terrorists. That's WHY there's no evidence, jeez...