Welcome to AWARDS EDITION PLUS. Please excuse our formatting, but stuff is a little weird in the transition to the new site. Tonight, we have the NEWS OF DUBIOUS VERACITY DEPARTMENT by guest contributor James Whitmore, an editorial by SIRIUS THE CAT and GOLDEN DOUCHENOZZLE AWARDS by commonmass.
Come, friends: let's have some splashing in the cesspool of snark. Over the fold.....
Sirius the Cat offers her editorial:
VALENTINE'S DAY: BAH HUMBUG.
Look, I'm an old cat, and I had my womb ripped from my belly at a young age. The closest I get to anything amorous is some dog sniffing me beneath the tail or some six-year-old impish boy grabbing me by the tail and flinging me out an open window because he does not yet understand that the world "catapult" has nothing to do with cats. Ick. I hate it. Plus, I'm not allowed to eat chocolate.
Now NECCO, the venerable Boston confectionary company, has for many decades been producing these little heart-shaped candies with sweet little Valentine's Day sayings on them. Things like "I love you" and "Hug Me" and "Be mine". Icky. Super icky. Well, here's some things I would like to see on those hearts made out of the same chalky candy used to produce NECCO Wafers--which happen to be favorites of commonmass, who has often advocated for their use at the Holy Eucharist:
I WANT A DIVORCE
I HAVE ALWAYS HATED YOUR MOTHER
YOU HAVE A SMALL DI*K
IF YOU EVER STOP DRINKING I WILL LEAVE YOU
YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG
I AM ALWAYS RIGHT
YOUR COOKING NAUSEATES ME
I WISH I NEVER HAD CHILDREN WITH YOU
I WISH I WERE EATING A HEATH BAR
I CHEATED ON YOU LAST NIGHT
SHOWER, ALREADY!
I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY COUSIN BEHIND YOUR BACK FOR TWO YEARS
These are just some suggestions, but I believe that if they were adopted, Valentine's Day would be much more fun. --SIRIUS.
NEWS OF DUBIOUS VERACITY DEPARTMENT
by Special Maine Correspondent James Whitmore
Local Prostitues Feel Economic Crunch
By James Whitmore
(Portland, ME) The entire United States has been experiencing a sharp economic down turn for a number of years now. Businesses have gone under; jobs have been out sourced and now, finally, local prostitutes have been experiencing the same problems. Has the oldest profession in the world lost its foothold in Maine’s largest metropolitan area?
“I don’t know what is goin’ on,” says Charlene, 53, of Grant Street. “Seems like everybody’s gone to Boston now to get their blow jobs. I don’t know how I’m gonna get high tonight.” Charlene has been working on Grant Street since she was fifteen, she claims and never seen such a shortage of fat, dirty “Johns.”
The self proclaimed “hardest working” woman in Portland is not the only one feeling the financial burn.
“I used to charge fifteen dollars for a blow job, or five and a handful of oxy[codone],” admits Rhonda, 33, of Sherman and State Streets. “Now I’m lucky just to get the five dollars and not get whupped in the head.”
When asked if perhaps the weather or post Christmas debt were to blame, Rhonda responded, “Nah! Crap like that never happened to us before. We kept our prices cheap and kept wearing tight acid washed jeans. Things were fine when Clinton was president!” When asked how long ago that was, she responded, “I don’t know. The other day?”
So is Portland’s prostitution industry in trouble? Will the tide turn? “I don’t know,” replies Charlene, “but I gotta do what I gotta do if I want to smoke rock tonight! Ya gotta smoke cock, to smoke rock!” she exclaims with a wet, raspy, extended cough.
Is there a trickle down effect here? In theory, yes. Prostitutes can’t give enough blow jobs and that hurts the equally hard hit crack dealers in and around the surrounding park side area. Which, according to sources, is the toughest part of all. “I could give blow jobs all day long if I had enough crack to smoke,” admits Rhonda, “and a couple of hand jobs at the same time! That equals a lot of crack to stimulate the economy with!” she adds, with a toothless grin.
When contacted, The Portland Chamber of Commerce refused to comment on the economic plight of these drug addled hookers.
So, with no end in sight, these, and other hard working crack whores continue to do what they’ve been doing; waiting for things to change, and keeping their tradition alive. Most of them, without their own teeth.
THE GOLDEN DOUCHENOZZLE AWARDS
by Commonmass
Awarded for general Asshattery and rank hypocrisy.....nominees below.
THE NOMINEES:
HOUSE REPUBLICANS. They want to cut the funding for the Affordable Care Act when 55% of folks polled in a CBS poll oppose it. 35% are in able of opposing it. Sounds like Republicans vs. the world. Icky.
JOHN "WEEPY" BOEHNER. He wants to lay off up to one million Federal workers while protecting the jobs of up to 7000 in his own district and up to three million dollars in Pork. You know what also weeps, Speaker Boehner? Infected sores.
SOUTH DAKOTA HB 1171 which passed committee today. It leagalizes murder to stop murder. Paging Franz Kafka....can you get me a passport for my fetus?
PAUL LePAGE: who is engaging in an excercise in rolling back environmental laws that could set a precident for other states and even the federal government. Bon Chance, Gouverneur.
REP. CONNIE O'BRIEN: Her poor son in Kansas couldn't get financial aid. But his colleague could. What does Rep. O'Brien have to say about that? "Well, she was not black, not Asian and she had the olive complexion".
THE WINNER?
Rep. Connie O'Brien!!!!!!!!!
Rank racism is a pet peeve of mine. That, and homophobia. Here's an excerpt from the letter I wrote her:
"Dear Rep. O'Brien: I am pleased to award you Commonmass' GOLDEN DOUCHENOZZLE AWARD for general asshattery and rank hypocrisy. Why, in general, you find it necessary to use euphamisims when you talk about Spics, Beaners, Mezzicans and Greasers, I will never know. I have always found it better to call a spade a spade. I hope you'll take my advice: if you want to be racist, be racist. If you ever want to reform, come talk to me. NEVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, sit next to Alice Roosevelt Longworth at a dinner table. You're too mean even for her, and she liked nasty gossip.
Sincerely, etc,
The Hon. Col. Commonmass
Honorary Aide-de-Camp to the Governor of Kentucky
Have a nominee? Want to write for the series? Get ahold of me. My contact info is in my profile. Happy Wednesday!