Today Congress passed a new bill promoting the Privatization of all Public Libraries by the year 2020.
This is one of the main cost-cutting proposals offered up by the Republican Caucus in the House.
Estimates say that this will save over $20 million from the Budget this year alone and will totally eliminate all government expenses by the year 2050. Critics complain that this just is not enough and that Libraries should be eliminated immediately.
"The Beauty of this pork-barrel rider to the Budget Bill is that no books need to be purchased for public libraries now that books can be downloaded for "free" on the internet," according to Rep. John Boehner (R).
More facts below the jump!
Michele Bachman (MN-6) was giddy with the news and said,"Since Public Institutions could not purchase Bibles and other religious materials, Privatizing the Libraries will allow the Bible to be available to everyone!"
Sarah Palin opined, "This is a great day in the annuals of American Freedom!"
Some of the finer points:
1. A Special Selection committee will be established by Congress to review and select suitable, approved materials to be placed on the shelves.
2. The stacks will no longer be available to anyone without a Congressional Special Permit form signed by an "Official" State Republican Congressional Representative.
3. Only "abridged" versions of "classics" will now be purchased as they are way "cheaper" and no one can read the originals anyway besides the original versions have a "high incidence" of unapproved language.
4. Because the number of books available for "loan" will be significantly reduced, the number of library personnel will be lowered and the hiring of certified, trained Librarians will no longer be necessary resulting in a huge savings in salary costs of thousands of dollars per Library.
5. Since most volumes needed will be available via the internet and internet access will have to be limited to those "approved" sites hosting the proper books. Other sites must be "restricted" since downloading of unapproved materials will be forbidden in a Private Public Library.
6. A new, mandatory Government issued, photo, Library system, fingerprint, ID card will be issued to everyone at the low price of $99 per citizen. This measure, in itself will save the Government a bundle, plus it will provide proof of citizenship and birth in the United States.
7. All authors with names similar to those who have committed a crime anywhere in the United States, will no longer have books or materials in the Privately owned/operated, Public Libraries.
8. Furthermore, all authors with names similar to those other authors who have published "restricted" or "unapproved" books (as determined by the committee) will no longer have books or materials in the Privately owned/operated, Public Libraries.
9. Any author who wished their materials to be placed in the new Privately owned/operated, Public Libraries will have to submit their work to a committee and pay a committee "examining fee" to even be considered for "approval".
10. The Committee wil publish a quarterly Index listing all books "forbidden" by the Libraries so as to protect the delicate and sacred minds of our youth.
There are more, but I have only included the most important "rules" that will take effect.
Most of the 11,851 books already on the new "Index" can be found xxx .
Happy April Fool's Reading!