For Immediate Release, April 1, 2011
Advocates Conduct Organ Donation Drive: Collect Spines
for Liberal, Hearts for Conservative, Elected Officials
Citing countless times that key liberal elected officials have caved into far right-wing demands with no fight whatsoever, the New York City Coalition Against Hunger (NYCCAH) launched a campaign to encourage members of the public to donate backbones which can be surgically implanted into such leaders.
For Immediate Release, April 1, 2011
Advocates Conduct Organ Donation Drive: Collect Spines
for Liberal, Hearts for Conservative, Elected Officials
Citing countless times that key liberal elected officials have caved into far right-wing demands with no fight whatsoever, the New York City Coalition Against Hunger (NYCCAH) launched a campaign to encourage members of the public to donate backbones which can be surgically implanted into such leaders.
“In the past, leaders forged principled compromises in which each side won some and each side lost some”, said Joel Berg, the Executive Director of NYCCAH. “However, in recent years, liberals have become unable to take any action other than folding unconditionally, reflexively meeting all the demands of fringe opponents. That behavior led a team of doctors to conclude that they needed spine implants.”
Liberal leaders, while at a professional conference in France entitled, “The Art of Surrender,” issued the following statement: “We feel it is our highest moral duty to stand on principle, and then immediately and effortlessly abandon it, even on issues like taxing billionaires, in which 80 percent of the public agrees with us.” According to a liberal spokesperson, the leaders retracted the statement a few hours later because they didn’t want to offend anyone. The spokesperson spoke off the record because he didn’t want to offend anyone either.
Also citing numerous times that self-styled religious conservatives have ignored the central call of their religious traditions to aid the poor, hungry, and homeless, NYCCAH also sought donations to provide them with hearts. In addition, NYCCAH also announced the collection of brains for people who think that Hawaii is not part of the United States.
Organ donations will be accepted for a full year starting today and going through April 1, 2012 at the now-abandoned lobby of Columbia Mt. Sinai St. Joseph’s Hospital which was closed recently due to a budget agreement between spineless liberals and heartless conservatives. The lobby can be found at the end of a yellow brick road which allows liberals to find courage, conservatives to find compassion, and “birthers” to find intelligence. The effort is being funded by a generous donation from businessman, Donald Trump.
In related news, young community organizer, Barack Obama commandeered a time machine and traveled from 1980’s Chicago to 2011 Washington, D.C. to stage a protest outside the White House against present-day President Barack Obama and his proposed cuts in community organizing and other anti-poverty initiatives.
In another late-breaking development, leaders of the Tea Party movement called off a march on Washington, D.C. when they learned that the road upon which they were scheduled to march was paved using federal government funds.
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