WASHINGTON DC, Monday April 11 - While the next budget battle has yet to be underway, President Obama has already made concessions in his debate regarding Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. While these Democratic planks have remained virtually untouchable for nearly the entire life of the programs, it is the President's belief that they are too good as olive branches to ignore.
As reported in the New York Times "Several presidential advisers interviewed in recent weeks said Mr. Obama has been torn between wanting to propose major budget changes to entice Republicans to the bargaining table, including on Social Security, and believing they would never agree to raise revenues on upper-income Americans as part of a deal."
"Lets face it, people. The Republicans will be back in my office in short measure and they're very intimidating. Particularly my good friend John Boehner. When he tears up after getting fired up you just want nothing but to please him and make him go away," said the President. "He even gave me a few ultimatums. I just can't stomach ultimatums. But on the positive side he brought a terrific sponge cake to the sit down! We could ALL AGREE on how good that was!!"
After spending the afternoon debating the merits of these and other programs alone behind his office door, the President re-emerged confident that the upcoming battle will be won and compromise will rule the day.
"I've decided that everything must be on the table. They're going to come at me, metaphoric guns drawn, and I've got to respond with unequivocal surrender If I expect to win this battle."
As a secondary concession, the President decided to put his dog, Bo, up as a bargaining chip.
"If I can save one billionth of a percent of my social program budget by offering up my dog as barter, you bet I'll jump on that. I've already decided to offer up Harry Reid as an indentured servant to Eric Cantor and Jon Kyl, but I trust the GOP will never go far enough for me to make that decision. Furthermore, Harry's not a young man. He can't ascend too many flights of stairs at these houses to get these folks their breakfast in bed."
While most of the democratic party has been yelling and screaming at the President to mind his words and grasp the significance of what he's planning to give up, Mr. Obama has ignored most of them and, as of yesterday, changed his phone number.
"They just won't stop. I just don't know what they want from me. I'm being bipartisan. Isn't that what I was elected to do? I'm sorry. I just can't get in the middle of these things. It's none of my business."