Last night, Jon Stewart really laid into Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-FL) for his amendment that forces any 9/11 first responder to go through first being checked against the terrorist watch list to make sure they're not a terrorist!!
It makes a lot of sense? If by a lot of sense, you mean, it makes no sense. In fact, the only place something like this makes sense is in bizarro blackboard conspiracy theory universe.
You know what, uh, oh, here's my plan. Hey listen, Mahmoud, I got a brilliant plan. I'm going to get a job as a New York City firefighter. I'm gonna do that job for about 10 or 20 years, you know, to blend in. And then, when al-Qaeda attacks New York, praise Allah, I run into the fallen towers and try to save people. You know, as my cover. Then, when the towers collapse, miraculously sparing my life, Insha'Allah, I stay down on the smoldering pile doing a few weeks of search and rescue. And of course, months of remains recovery, you know, just to make sure I've inhaled enough poison to metastasize my cells. And then, boom! I max out my health insurance, sell my house and my car to pay for medical bills, all the while incessantly lobbying my Congressman for some small measure of financial relief. Finally they pass the bill, I get my check. Boom! I endorse it right over to al-Qaeda, checkmate, it's almost too easy!
You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.
But you know what's nice? There isn't any political move so wrongheaded and immoral that you can't find a pundit to defend it.
REMI SPENCER, FOX BUSINESS CHANNEL (4/24/2011): If we didn't do this, and the money went to terrorists, could you imagine the outcry? It's important that we do it in this day and age.
Yes, imagine the outcry. Oh, the crying would be out. Outcrying. Although, why stop there? How do we know some of these first responders aren't witches? Imagine the outcry if taxpayer dollars went to supporting the Dark Arts? I say we throw the first responders into the East River and see if they float before they get any money!
Video and transcript below the fold.
Let me ask you a question. You remember, it was probably about four months ago, Congress passed what was referred to as the Zadroga bill, which would provide some financial assistance to 9/11 first responders facing cancer and respiratory illnesses, due to their tireless efforts working at Ground Zero.
When they passed the bill, something struck me as not quite right concerning this bill. It's not that the bill's namesake, James Zadroga, died before he could ever see any benefit from its passage, or that it took a Congress well-practiced in the use of 9/11 imagery when it suited their own political needs more than 9 years of bickering and wrangling and wrangled bickering, I guess you'd call it wrickering, to take care of those who took care of us in the months following the attack. What bothered me most is that after passing the Zadroga bill, Congress didn't deliver one final kick in the nuts of the first responders. One final Congressional "fuck you very much".
CNN (4/22/2011): Under the new 9/11 health bill, responders and Ground Zero workers seeking benefits will receive a letter, notifying them that "the Act also requires the World Trade Center Program Administrator to determine whether a World Trade Center responder or survivor is on the terrorist watch list prior to his or her enrollment or certification".
Oh! Hey, great news! We finally got your check for your cancer treatments. Boom!
You want 9/11 first responders to know that before they get their chemo money for the cancer they got sifting through World Trade Center rubble, in hopes of helping to identify those we lost in the attack, you have one just last tiny loose end to tie up. We just have to make sure you're not a terrorist.
Actually, you know who else has to go through that type of check to get their money? Um, NOBODY. Not for Medicare, not for Medicaid, not Social Security, not farm subsidies, not oil subsidies, not for FEMA disaster money. Although, if your name is Katrina, they have to verify you're not a hurricane before you get your check. You want billions in bank bailout money? You get that without being cross-checked against the terrorist watch list. The only thing they want to know in that case is, did you start the financial meltdown in the first place? Because if you did, here's your fucking money!
We're actually thinking about arming the Libyan rebels. And I'm not sure we're even cross-checking them against the terrorist watch list!
What kind of Republican Congressman from Florida Cliff Stearns would put a piece of shit amendment like this in the Zadroga bill? (listens to earpiece) I'm being told it's Republican Congressman Cliff Stearns.
REP. CLIFF STEARNS, R-FL (5/25/2010): Thank you Mr. Chairman. This basically I'll give it in one sentence. Before a person is certified as eligible for the program, the Secretary of Health and Human Services has to confirm with the appropriate federal agency that that person is not a terrorist. So it's a simple straightforward amendment.
Sir, I call it the "Literal Insult to Injury Amendment". Does this cat really think anyone's going to support something so gratuitous and, frankly, dickish? Committee chair, Democrat Henry Waxman, must've handed this guy his head on a platter.
5/25/2010:
REP. HENRY WAXMAN, D-CA: Gentleman yields to me?
REP. CLIFF STEARNS, R-FL: I'll be glad to yield.
REP. HENRY WAXMAN, D-CA: I think it makes a lot of sense, and I'm willing to support it. All those in favor of the Stearns amendment, say "aye".
It makes a lot of sense? If by a lot of sense, you mean, it makes no sense. In fact, the only place something like this makes sense is in bizarro blackboard conspiracy theory universe.
You know what, uh, oh, here's my plan. Hey listen, Mahmoud, I got a brilliant plan. I'm going to get a job as a New York City firefighter. I'm gonna do that job for about 10 or 20 years, you know, to blend in. And then, when al-Qaeda attacks New York, praise Allah, I run into the fallen towers and try to save people. You know, as my cover. Then, when the towers collapse, miraculously sparing my life, Insha'Allah, I stay down on the smoldering pile doing a few weeks of search and rescue. And of course, months of remains recovery, you know, just to make sure I've inhaled enough poison to metastasize my cells. And then, boom! I max out my health insurance, sell my house and my car to pay for medical bills, all the while incessantly lobbying my Congressman for some small measure of financial relief. Finally they pass the bill, I get my check. Boom! I endorse it right over to al-Qaeda, checkmate, it's almost too easy!
You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.
But you know what's nice? There isn't any political move so wrongheaded and immoral that you can't find a pundit to defend it.
REMI SPENCER, FOX BUSINESS CHANNEL (4/24/2011): If we didn't do this, and the money went to terrorists, could you imagine the outcry? It's important that we do it in this day and age.
Yes, imagine the outcry. Oh, the crying would be out. Outcrying. Although, why stop there? How do we know some of these first responders aren't witches? Imagine the outcry if taxpayer dollars went to supporting the Dark Arts? I say we throw the first responders into the East River and see if they float before they get any money!
Well, perhaps Congressman Stearns can clear this up himself.
CNN (4/22/2011): In a statement to CNN, he calls it a simple safeguard, and says, "This protection is appropriate because under this legislation, workers, residents, students, passersby, and anyone who was in the vicinity on 9/11 can join first responders and cleanup workers in submitting a claim for benefits."
What does that have to do with the terr.... Oh. You're insulting the 9/11 responders to weed out the flood of neighborhood passerby terrorists who got sick and waited around 10 years to submit insurance claims. The so-called innocent byterrorists.
We invited Congressman Cliff Stearns to come on our program tonight. We even offered to waive our usual background check (quick stare at Stearns' photo), but his office said that he was too busy this week and next. Apparently, strangling this kitten with his bare hands...
... on the off chance that it, too, may be a terrorist. We'll be right back.
Olivia Munn also looked at the Tiger Mom controversy with her own mother, and Jon's guest was a must-see interview with Elizabeth Warren. It, of course, ran long, so they threw it all on the Internet in THREE parts.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Also, yesterday, Jon looked at how these early polls showing Donald Trump leading the GOP field have basically always been wrong in the past, so why the fuck are we wasting time and space talking about Trump? If early polls were actually accurate, our 2004 nominee would've been Joe Lieberman!!! Jon also looked at angry town halls for Republicans trying to cut Medicare, though which are nowhere near as angry as the 2009 ones were for the Democrats.
Meanwhile, Stephen Colbert looked at Mitt Romney's "peacetime" gaffe, and noted that Charles Manson believes global warming is real, which Fox News will now use to discredit people who understand science. Yesterday, Stephen looked at the 2012 GOP primary field, and then had Ron Paul on as his guest in an interview y'all will probably find disappointing. Oh, and his Cheating Death segment was sooooo freaking hilarious!! :-)
