Oh yeah, it's starting to sink in.
But I've been thinking a lot about what it means to get married.
Now, first I want to say that I believe there are two kinds of marriage. I am lucky enough that I am most likely able to participate in both kinds - civil and religious.
The civil one is actually easy for me - I'm marrying a woman. My personal feeling is that there should be no law that prevents two consenting adult non-related humans from joining in civil matrimony. Ever. And it shouldn't be called anything other than "marriage" either. No civil unions, no partnerships - MARRIAGE. Trust me. That word is the only one that should be on the table at any time.
The marriage I am actually stressing out over is the religious one. Again, should be easy - I'm marrying a woman. But the question is can we prove she is halachically Jewish enough to stand under the chuppah with me? That's actually a serious problem - because it may prevent a rabbi from being able to marry us.
It goes like this:
You're Jewish because your mum is Jewish. My mum? Jewish. Her mum? Well... that's where it gets complicated. She's not American. She was adopted shortly after birth from a home for "unwed mothers" run by the Salvation Army that has since closed down and been demolished. They have closed adoptions. She has written to get the records of her actual birth with her parents names on them and has been unable to get them. Apparently if the parents object to contact you can't even find out what their names are.
Now as to the why would we think she is Jewish part - her Aunt was there when she was given over and spoke to the ladies from the home who went on about the Jewess baby going to a good Christian home and hoping she didn't grow up trouble. So was called "the Jewess" by her family growing up - and not in a friendly way.
So now we are trying to get married and sorting out what needs to be done to show she is Jewish enough to have a Jewish religious marriage. Why does this matter when we all know I will marry her regardless? Children.
I want a baby. Aside from the mitzvah to be fruitful and multiply - which is on me as the man - I really want a little Jewish baby to make a big Kiddush for or a bris for, to sing to on Shabbos, to have an upsharnish and first serious big boy or big girl Shabbos clothes to wear from then on - I want to give a child the Jewish childhood I never had and spent so long looking at as a guest. Adoption is difficult in her country and we would certainly take that option should one of our own prove unlikely - you can Jewish adopt a baby when you adopt a baby. It's just not at all adoption like we think of it here in the US to apply to adopt at all.
She happens to be amenable to a baby being raised this way once we have some basic financial tools to get that rolling and have a place to put the drawer. It's a Breslev custom to have the baby sleep in a drawer. We have special crib drawers, it's no big deal. Really. I already live on a boat, how bad could a special drawer be?
But... to raise a baby that way, to set them up with a solid foundation that tells them they are Jews - the wedding needs to be kosher. Which means the bride needs to be kosher. Or the baby - not kosher. Now, not a bastard, not anything bad, but not Jewish. See above where I go on gushingly about Jewish baby being the goal. This is important to me whether it makes sense or not. I can be as Jewish as I like, but I can't make the baby be Jewish. Only she can.
Either way any child I father is going to be a dorktastic nerd but I want them to be a proudly Jewish dorktastic nerd. Religious or not. Gay or straight. Yeshiva U/Stern College or flaming left pants on fire to change the world college student of little actual experience. Yep, they still better get an education.
Now more than that worry which is a big worry in and of itself in addition to visas, flight schedules, passports, visiting my parents who declined to attend, making sure the boat is ready, learning celestial navigation, prepping the Port of Departure paperwork and Coast Guard survey - I have to actually be a man now too.
I've never really had to do that. And now I've run out of unemployment, can't even get a call back as a dishwasher at a local pub with the busy season starting - I decided that getting married in fourteen or so weeks makes perfect sense. If you're batshit crazy.
Being a man for me means a lot of things, but having an income is definitely part of it. I can't get married being an unemployed bum. I just can't. I can't fall back on batshit crazy - it sure doesn't pay the rent. So I have to come up with something I can actually do that works with the structure I can function in - and I have.
So I'm going into business for myself to provide for my soon to start family. I inherit two kids after all, only slightly used. That is another post, give me some time to sort it all out, but if I can't get a job, I've decided to make one.
I have to dress differently. I have to act differently. I have to know things, not guess. There is so much responsibility that comes with being a proper Jewish husband in the tradition I follow. So much I've been able to avoid until now. I didn't have to be serious about learning a little every day or davening or living Jewishly in the way that I know I can and want to but have been entirely too lazy to do.
Or having even a routine or pattern to my daily life at all here in Baked Potato Island, where I can be baked all day long and only go out for things I need. I've relied too much on being crazy to get me out of the few responsibilities I did have - and now I have to face a whole lot more. And I know I can't face them without the structure of Torah and Yiddishkeit. I actually need the day to day routine to help keep me functional, which I have to do in order to be a good husband. So while those rules and such may seem crazy - they keep me a lot less crazy than I could be. They serve a function.
So now we are talking to rabbis here, rabbis in her country, rabbis rabbis everywhere! trying to sort out any paperwork required so she can go immerse herself for the first time in the mikvah in preparation for our wedding. And I'm going to do the same thing. And if she can't, or we can't find an orthodox rabbi that will marry us, then we call some more and start looking a little less orthodox. Because I love her.