It’s getting to be that time when the opposition party swarms around a cluster of viable candidates for president, vigorously exploring the issues of the day and settling on a figure who can unite a broad enough coalition of voters to topple the incumbent and reclaim the White House and the heart of America.
But since that’s not happening let’s talk about the morons who couldn’t pull 1% in Iowa if they spent their whole campaign husking corn, passing out guns in Happy Meals, and putting all pregnant women on 24-hour surveillance.
I’ll call them the Lame Ponies of the field, because they’re so dark that “dark horse” status doesn’t really apply. And honestly, when you think about it, their plights are kind of inspirational. At least, I’m inspired. If I were ever forcibly removed from the Alabama Supreme Court after a unanimous independent panel found me guilty of a serious ethics violation, I am not confident I would have the gumption to run for the highest position in the country less than a decade later.
If you aren’t aware, that honor goes to Lame Pony #1 Roy Moore, a former Alabama supreme court justice whom you may remember from the Ten-Commandments-in-the-courtroom controversy in 2003 and who has been making noises about running for several weeks now. Judge Moore’s quixotic streak, it turns out, has a long and rich history; his fetishistic obsession with the Ten Commandments led to three (3) different commissions for the biblical display, the crown jewel of which was a 5,280 pound sculpture made with granite from Vermont. The other eight justices objected to the display, as did the ethics panel, and ex-Judge Moore got the boot.
In fact this is not my favorite aspect of the ex-judge’s political history; that would be when Moore ruled in a custody battle that a young child would be better off with his violently abusive father than his battered lesbian mother, because homosexuality is “an act so heinous that it defies one’s ability to describe it.” (Actually, Mr. Moore, I’d be happy to describe it for you; please email or call me post-haste for some heinous fun.) Or maybe it would be his attempt to reinstate the poll tax. This may also prove tricky to sell to the general public.
Considering Moore only polled 19% in the Alabama gubernatorial 2010 Republican primary, I am not too worried he’ll be frantically shoving Ten Commandments sculptures into every nook and cranny of Capitol Hill anytime soon. Of more concern (barely) is Lame Pony #2 Haley Barbour, the current governor of Mississippi and a former mega-lobbyist for the tobacco industry. Barbour entered the media spotlight a few months ago when he defended the White Citizens’ Council, a sixties-era white supremacist segregationist group. Although the WCC overran Barbour’s hometown and actively prevented integration and racial equality, Barbour himself claimed, “I just don’t remember it as being that bad.”
In all fairness, my memory falters too sometimes. I frequently forget just how slow the DC metro elevators are, and by the time I remember it I’m locked into taking them. Perhaps the same kind of absentmindedness leads one to defend white supremacy.
Anyway, according to the Boston Globe, Barbour is popular among voters because “his quick wit makes him eminently quotable”--especially on the topic of segregation--so there’s that. Also he’s incredibly popular in Mississippi, but we are talking about a state whose constitution openly bans atheists from holding public office, so I’m not going to try to suss out how Mississipians think. His widespread appeal is doubtful, and the fact that he’s a big-time lobbyist (in his own words: “I’m a lobbyist”) might scare off the three people left in America who don’t understand that the Republican party is owned and run by big business.
That leaves us with Lame Pony #3, former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum. Santorum got booted out of office a while back and has been floundering around trying to get interviews ever since. If you know only one thing about him, it is the slang connotation of his last name, about which I will say no more except to google it. You are also probably aware of his comparison of homosexuality to “man on child” and “man on dog” sex, which I would strongly recommend not googling. Santorum is adamantly against “the right to consensual sex within your home,” as this will lead to “polygamy” and “incest,” but otherwise he’s totally, you know, a small-government, keep-the-state-out-of-our-business Reagan conservative.
Once again I must draw your attention to the weird fixation on homosexuality which so many Republican politicians proudly display. Is this going to be the defining feature of the 2012 Republican primary? Just how obsessed the candidate is with gay stuff? I kind of hope so, because last time we heard so much blabber about ethanol tax credits that I just wanted to drill in Alaska so everyone would shut the hell up about it already. These Lame Ponies might be utterly unviable and brazenly incompetent, but at least they make for good sound bites.
Oh, also, the government will probably shut down after this week. Good luck!