INSTANT CLASSIC!!! Last night, Jon Stewart once again reached into the breach, and pulled out his reading glasses to revive his brilliant Glenn Beck persona, with the news that Beck is leaving his TV show. It was so brilliant, they had to divide it up online into four separate segments.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Earlier in the show, we laid out in crisp foolproof detail of how Glenn Beck's departure from Fox is incontrovertible proof that the world is ending.
(changes camera angle) "Jon, I've heard your theory and it all makes perfect sense except for one thing!"
(changes camera angle) "How will the world end?"
(changes camera angle) Well, Glenn Beck will be leaving at the end of 2011, or as it is sometimes known, the beginning of 2012. Which, if my civics studies in high school served me, is the year the Mayans said the world would be ending.
The Mayans. A group that has never been wrong... about predicting a mass human extinction event. Well, they were wrong once. They did not see Cortés coming. A lot of good people missed that one. So everything's in place. Everything's in place but one thing. And the one thing is everything. You think it's nothing? You're wrong.
"Jon, for the Mayan apocalypse to be, the reincarnation of the Meso-American feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl would have to reappear here on Earth, a figure we might only recognize by its fixation on the year 2012." Roll 212!!!
O! O! O! O! O! If that didn't surprise you, why is his initial "O"?!?!?
Full video and transcript below the fold.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Over the past two years, I've always promised you that if anything were going to happen that would threaten your very existence on this planet, I'd let you know about it in a melodramatic way, signified in part by changes in seating and lighting. And I would use some unusual camera angles.
I always told you, when the day came when I would warn you of the impending doom of our species, you would know! You would know that I was telling you the truth, not because I have told you the truth in the past, I haven't. Not because I know what the truth, I don't. But because I would tell it to you... while wearing glasses. (wild audience applause)
For ladies and gentlemen, these are those glasses, and tonight is that night. So what am I going to do tonight? I'm going to transmit nerve impulses from my brain, impulses that will operate my mouth, and push air through my vocal cords to generate sound. And what I want you to do tonight, for God's sake, what I want you to do tonight, I want you to hear. Tonight, America, I want you to open your ears, because over the next 10 to 15 minutes, I am going to fuck them with the truth. Let's go.
America, I can sit here and I can tell you the news, but... you already know the news.
ANDERSON COOPER (4/6/2011): Glenn Beck announced today he'll be leaving the Fox News show later this year.
Now, now, don't be upset. It threw me for a loop as well, I was devastated. In fact, last night I went home and finished off a whole pint of George Soros's Caliphate Crunch.
Rum raisin with chocolate-covered microchips. It's actually Ben & Jerry's only flavor that's both kosher and a Nazi sympathizer.
Of course, we knew that he wouldn't be with us forever, like a beautiful and bold hothouse flower, or mononucleosis. And he knew it too.
GLENN BECK (4/6/2011): When I took this job, I didn't take it because it was going to be a career for me. Paul Revere did not get up on the horse and say, "I'm going to do this for the rest of my life." He didn't do it. He got off the horse at some point, and fought in the Revolution.
You sweet, sweet humble man. You sweet, sweet humble man. Now I know, Glenn could've likened himself to any character from the American Revolution, could've made himself George Washington or Patrick Henry. But he decided to go with the first, and loudest, character. And the only real difference between Glenn and Paul Revere, is that when Paul Revere told you the British were coming, they... were in fact coming.
But! But! As I watched Glenn announce his departure, flanked by his trusty ladder rex, and in front of the Conspiratron 5000, I couldn't help but wonder if the story here wasn't that he was leaving... but why? Come with me.
People out there will... people will tell you Glenn was fired because of plummeting ratings. "30% OF HIS VIEWERS HAVE ABANDONED HIM! HIS AUDIENCE'S MEDIAN AGE IS NOW DEAD OF NATURAL CAUSES! WAHLAHLAHLAH!!!!!
Do we really want to live in an America where what we watch is determined by a shadowy mix-and-match collective of so-called "Nielsen families"? You know who else had a family that anyone could join?
(changes camera angle) Charles Manson.
(changes camera angle) That's not me saying that. That's not me saying that, that's from a movie I saw about it.
(changes camera angle) I don't know about you, ladies and gentlemen, but I don't think I want to live in an America where Charles Manson tells our children what he can watch on television.
And by the way, Glenn Beck still had the 3rd highest rated show in cable news.
"Well, Jon, maybe Fox News thought it would be useful to pick some random talk radio host rehashing the same tired old John Birch Society conspiracy theories, to seed ultraconservative viewpoints into the news cycle, while making the rest of the network seem centrist by comparison. But he then began to believe his own Messianic delusions, and became a giant pain in the ass. So they dropped his ass."
Yeah, right, yeah, yeah, right, yeah, right, right, yeah, yeah. That's what happened.
That may be what the mainstream media and professors and facts and evidence would like you to think. So what's really going on here?
What I'm about to say to you is going to sound stupid. Illogical, moronic, asinine, dis-embrained. What I'm about to say to you is the kind of thing that will make you wonder how I even dress myself in the morning. Glenn Beck is leaving Fox because Glenn Beck tells the truth.
GLENN BECK (2/16/2011): Chaos, evil, spreading around the globe. It is the coming insurrection.
GLENN BECK (4/1/2011): There are signs in heavens and earth, and people have been paying attention to them for 2,000 years. ... The other network will tell you the Bible and the Book of Revelation is nonsense, and at worst a work of fiction, and not a lick of truth to it, and you shouldn't pay attention to it. Or, we could search our feelings and know what's true.
Glenn Beck's not afraid to serach his feelings and tell you that right now, we live, this era, is the most perilous and tumultuous period in the history of mankind. (hits head into camera) Ow, fuck!!!
The most perilous in the history of mankind, and this time we live in now must surely be a sign of end times!
JON'S RIGHT HAND: Ooh, but what about the generations that lived through world wars and depressions, plagues, and a level of medical care where 6 of their 10 children would die from what we today refer to as a "sinus infection"?
JON'S LEFT HAND: Fuck you!! Shut up!!! Shut up!!! I'm sick of you talking to me!!! Shut the fuck up!!!! Shut your fucking mouth!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Jon's hands proceed to fight each other)
How do we know? How does Glenn know that the signs today all point to the end times? Where's your proof, Jon? Where's your evidence?
You do not know on what day your Lord will come. No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in Heaven, Matthew 24:36. So if even the angels don't know, how does Glenn?
The Sovereign Lord
Says: See, I will
Beckon to the nations
I Will lift up my banner
To the peoples
-Isaiah 49:22
(Jon erases some words)
The Sovereign Lord
Says:
Beck
Will lift up my banner
To the peoples
-Isaiah 49:22
The Sovereign Lord says that Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck was sent here by Jesus to take the 5pm spot between Neil Cavuto and Shepard Smith on Fox network for 27 months. Don't take my word for it, look it up yourself. As I showed you earlier, it's in the Bible.
(changes camera angle) When we return, more foolproof evidence... that the world... is ending.
Welcome back. Earlier in the show, earlier in the show, we laid out in crisp foolproof detail of how Glenn Beck's departure from Fox is incontrovertible proof that the world is ending.
(changes camera angle) "Jon, I've heard your theory and it all makes perfect sense except for one thing!"
(changes camera angle) "How will the world end?"
(changes camera angle) Well, Glenn Beck will be leaving at the end of 2011, or as it is sometimes known, the beginning of 2012. Which, if my civics studies in high school served me, is the year the Mayans said the world would be ending.
The Mayans. A group that has never been wrong... about predicting a mass human extinction event. Well, they were wrong once. They did not see Cortés coming. A lot of good people missed that one. So everything's in place. Everything's in place but one thing. And the one thing is everything. You think it's nothing? You're wrong.
"Jon, for the Mayan apocalypse to be, the reincarnation of the Meso-American feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl would have to reappear here on Earth, a figure we might only recognize by its fixation on the year 2012." Roll 212!!!
O! O! O! O! O! If that didn't surprise you, why is his initial "O"?!?!? I'm not a prophet, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not a seer.
(Jon proceeds to chew glasses)
I'm just a man. I'm just a man trying to kill 22 minutes, 4 nights a week, 42 weeks a year, typically with an interview that I'm assuming you fast forward through. (By the way, stay tuned, British chef Jamie Oliver's going to be here, should be terrific.)
Ladies and gentlemen, I proffer to you that the reason Barack Obama has been reluctant to reveal his long-form birth certificate is that the information it reveals is not that he is Kenyan or Muslim, it is that he is in fact....
Barack Obamayan!!!!!
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? NO! (changes camera angle) WHAT? NO! WHAT? (changes camera angle) NO! (changes camera angle) I CAN'T BELIEVE (changes camera angle) IT'S NOT (changes camera angle) BUTTER! (changes camera angle) WHAT? (changes camera angle) FUCK! (changes camera angle) NO!
Well! I say to you, if Barack Obama was the reincarnation of Quetzalcoatl, then when Obama visited the Mayan ruins on his recent trip to South America, he would've activated the ruby eye, the crystal jaguar, becoming one with the power of the three elements, and the whole planet would've gone KA-BLOOEY! Well, guess what people? Crazy boy has the answer. Roll 212!
LAWRENCE O'DONNELL (3/23/2011): President Obama skipped a visit to the Mayan ruins in El Salvador today to return to Washington and address growing concerns over the Libyan war effort.
Motherfucker!!! Well I, for one, am completely satisfied with what I have put forth today. And while I wish Mr. Beck well in all his future endeavors, I can't help but think as I put my glasses in their final resting place, that he was great for business! We'll be right back!
Meanwhile, Stephen Colbert has decided to become a Muslim.