AUGUSTA, ME -- Gov. Paul LePage of Maine came out today in favor of a measure that would replace all adult firefighters throughout the state with children 7 years of age or younger. The bill is expected to come up for a vote in the Maine Senate early next week, with strong support from Republicans.
The Maine governor has previously stated that he favors scaling back Maine's child-labor laws and that he believes that curtailing the collective bargaining rights of state workers is paramount to closing Maine's budget shortfall.
"As I've said before, a little work never hurt anybody," Gov. LePage said.
"And let's face it, kids love to dress up in those firefighter uniforms. The thing is, these kids don't even know what collective bargaining is. Go ahead, ask any of 'em. They won't even miss it. These kids will work for peanuts. What could possibly go wrong? The naysayers can all line up and kiss my ass. This is win-win governance for the State of Maine."
Democrats have called LePage's vision an "unbelievable assault on workers and middle-class families, not to mention a shockingly cavalier approach to public safety", but don’t tell that to Billy Hadley, 4, of Caribou. When asked about his reaction to the governor's position, Hadley was very enthusiastic.
"Weeee-ooooo, weeeee-ooooo!", he shouted.
"I get to sit in the big seat! With my own spotted doggie! Ha-ha! I farted."
Christina Mallaby, 3, of Ellsworth, chimed her approval as well.
"I spray a hose ON YOU! Water come out! How that's works?"
GOP governors across the nation heralded the measure as a bold step forward.
"It's exactly this kind of brave, serious approach that's going to turn our economy around while at the same time putting enthusiastic young people to work performing vital public services," Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker declared.
"Programs like this can help scale back the number of days kids spend in public schools each year, and that saves money, too. I know the kids are going to love fighting fires. Especially the minority kids. This is just a great opportunity for them. Don't let anybody tell you that the Republican Party doesn't care about kids or minorities. This is proof positive that we do. Behold the future!"
Ohio Gov. John Kasich beamed, "Who says the GOP isn't the party of Big Ideas? I don't know why I didn't think of this. Hey, wait a minute! Don't kids love to play policeman, doctor, and teacher, too? Well, I think I have me some legislation to write!"
Of course, Gov. LePage's plan isn't without a few critics. Much of that criticism has been centered around a provision within the plan that calls for a separate, professional adult firefighting force for owners of private or corporate property worth more than $1 million. Gov. LePage said he's flexible on that.
"Look, this is a blueprint, okay?", said Gov. LePage. "We're not going to turn it all around in one day. Now, excuse me. I got a giant labor mural to go dump into the Atlantic Ocean."