SUN CITY - What are you going to when it comes time to retire? Do you really have enough money saved up to last you for the rest of your life? Can you hold out till Willard Scott puts you on the Smuckers jar and wishes you a happy 100th? Will you really be enjoying the good life with round the clock sponge baths from young orderlies? Have you done the math to figure out how much it’ll cost for a day at a retirement community in 20 years? Can your 401K hold out?
Odds are the answer is a resounding, “Maybe?”
The golden years require platinum reserves. With talk that Medicare is about to be destroyed, your budget for health insurance is about to go completely out of control. When is the last time Blue Cross hyped individual policies for people hitting 90? Even the most frugal of senior citizens won’t be prepared for that cost.
The Party Favors futurists have seen the two great alternatives that will allow you to go back to sleep without fearing the incoming bills when you’re too old to keep your job at the UPS night shift chucking boxes. One is a longshot salvation while the second is a sure thing.
The longshot is easy: Win the Megabucks or Powerball. Or win the MegaballPowerbucks. The odds are completely against you pulling this off before your funeral. We’re all dreamers, but maybe it’s time you review the sure thing.
Why not retire to prison?
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Shocking? What’s wrong with spending your golden years in the big house? You’re assured a bed, three square meals a day and complete medical by simply being an incarcerated felon. You make new friends and enjoy recreational activities in the yard. Isn’t that what a retirement community promises? Except there’s no sticker shock. You don’t have to worry about how much anything costs. You don’t have to be anxious about drowning your loved ones with a massive bill that sends them to bankruptcy court. You can enjoy living behind bars without a care.
Senior citizens going to prison is already tending. Each day the newspaper lists another major crime committed by a formerly clean-living grandma and grandpa. Recently a 71 years old Walmart Greeter robbed his store after his shift was over. He fired off his gun into the wall. The cops caught him without an issues. When the judge asked why he had to fire off a weapon, the old guy declared he wasn’t going to settle for a suspended sentence. He wanted his mandatory time for an armed robbery. He wasn’t going to get plea bargained out of his life sentence. He wanted the dream retirement package.
The rooms are rather on the small side and semi-private. However if you make enough of a fuss, you’ll get the solitary accommodation. Elders might fear being forced to room with the various factions as seen on Oz. But as more senior citizens are processed for hard time, they’ll become the biggest gang in cellblock. Nobody will mess with the AARP Mofos. By having fellow elderly inmates, they’ll be able to keep from being a model prisoner for the parole board to spring. These formally sweet old people can get in a little fight now to build up demerits. They will always remember to tell the parole board that they’re ready to commit some more crime. Prison has made them embrace the thug life. Once they admit to regretting trespasses against society; they’ll be paying for medical care. They’d be going from an outlaw to a victim with only one co-pay.
Of course the big fear is being sodomized in the shower. Old people aren’t quite the fresh fish that get passed around in the joint like a pack of Lucky Strikes. The odds are the same that after taking nightly tranquilizers, they’ll be molested by the retirement home orderly. But the difference is they won’t be paying to have their private parts violated. On the plus side, it’s human contact and a great way to make new friends.
Prison will also bring together relatives. Think how excited grandkids will get when they know they’ll be visiting the big house to see big daddy? No more fears about the darlings getting them sick thanks to the visitation glass. They’ll be proud to wear a “My Grandfather is a Trustee at Central Prison” t-shirt.
The good thought is that they’re never too old to embrace a life of crime. Nobody passes on your resume in the midst of a felony. The next time you read about a grandmother busted for selling crack or a grandfather robbing bank, you won’t be asking why. You’ll be jealous knowing that they’ll be enjoying their golden years without burden while your stuck paying the monthly bills.