Mass. A great term in Physics but not so great when a doctor is talking about it being in one's abdomen. Multiple masses. An out-of-body response.
How did I get here? WTF happened to me?
Not good timing, TV wise. With Nick Charles death and limited TV in the hospital, I have seen way too many stories about cancer. Did you know that lifetime risk of having some form of cancer is 1 in 3 for women and 1 in 2 for men? So, I'm not alone by any means.
Here's my story.
Day 1. Wednesday, June 22, 2011. "Day 1" is not exactly correct but it was the first time I heard the word, "mass" spoken in my direction. This was the day that my life changed, maybe never to go back to "normal" again. Yes, this was a recurrence of cancer, but it was a recurrence of something that should never happen. I was cured already, right?
I had been having a number of health issues in the previous months. First, I started having over-the-top heartburn and I had never had heartburn in my entire life. [Life suggestion #1. If something about your health changes, take it very seriously.] So, I went to my PCP and checked it out. We talked diet and she ignored my suggestion that this had something to do with my cancer of 2007. The conversation ended on my excessive use of Advil and caffeine. Daily user of both. I was prone to lots of headaches and took one or two Advil nearly every day. Caffeine was in the form of a litre or so of ice tea every day of my life. So, I stopped, cold turkey and luckily didn't withdrawal from needing caffeine. Interestingly, my headaches went away immediately, indication that they were caused by my BFF, caffeine. No Advil. Seemingly overnight, I started having pain in my left leg, sharp and extreme pain, can't sleep at night pain shooting up and down my leg. Back to the doc. Some form of sciatica? No thought that this had anything to do with cancer. I started physical therapy.
Back to Day 1. By now, I had become very concerned that something weird was going on. Independent extreme heartburn and sciatica? Am I falling apart? But, on Day 1, I noticed that my left leg was pretty swollen. My colleague even mentioned it and as I had relatively loose pants on, it must have been pretty bad for her to notice. She said, go to the emergency room immediately as you might have a blood clot that can kill you. So, I did and in Pittsburgh, so it was Presby.
Once you are at the hospital with a symptom like leg swelling and you are out of PCP world, they start to think beyond the normal. Swollen leg, a history of cancer. Better do a CT scan. Forgot to explain my history. In 2007, I had a hysterectomy for endometrial cancer, stage 1B. This means that the cancer was totally enclosed in the uterus and you have basically 100% chance of complete recovery. I had gone in for Pap smears every six months for four years and two months ago the PA said that I no longer needed so many Pap smears. In my mind, I was cured.
Results came back. The emergency room doc (working way too hard on his bedside manner) said that I needed to contact my oncologist because I had several masses in my abdomen. The backup doc, a fourth year med student, avoided eye contact. Suddenly, I was alone in the room with my thoughts, but yet, I was mostly blank. It just was a strange life altering moment. Masses. I can't die, really I can't. I am a single parent of three wonderful kids, youngest is 19, and I have no other family in Pittsburgh. I can't leave my children as orphans. Not now, not so soon. I have a lot more to teach them before I move on.
So, I stayed in the hospital for two days. My oldest son was basically stoic. My youngest, expressed the body language of a hidden panic with a forced calm exterior. He might read this; he is a new member mostly a daily Kos lurker.
Over these two days, I have seen many members of my oncology team as they do their rounds, each ending with a lot of variation in whether I feel better or worse after they leave. My main man, Dr. E., told me that I didn't miss any signs, that he has only seen a couple recurrences of a stage 1B endometrial cancer in his 16 years of practice. He said that this is treatable, but surgery is out. I will start chemo once the biopsy results are in. I will have my big appointment on Wednesday.
So, my mother will be here on Monday for an extended visit. I have been deluged with phone calls from friends and family and have spoken with my Dean (and friend) about my cancer, my plans, and my fears.
I'll keep you posted if you are interested and am hoping for some good old fashioned advice from a bunch of friends I have never met.