Get me Jon Stewart.
Because when I read a headline like this, it deserves to mocked unmercifully.
It's Come To This: CNN Brings On Psychics To Tell Us What The Economy Will Be Like
http://www.mediaite.com/...
One woman thinks she can predict the future of the economy based on Ben Bernanke’s moon sign. (On a related note: What the heck is a moon sign?) She predicts that Bernanke will have great success sometime in the late summer/early fall, though this might not necessarily have anything to do with the economy. Maybe he wins a free ocean cruise vacation or something. And by October Bernanke is “really, really happy.” Well, that settles it, then. Show’s over, folks, you can all go home! The Fed Chairman is scheduled to be really, really happy in about four months’ time, so you have absolutely nothing to worry about!
What’s particularly hilarious about this segment is how seriously Taylor seems to take this subject and how she tries to talk about serious economic subjects with individuals who make a living making up random crap about people’s lives. Her attempts to discuss unemployment figures and the debt ceiling with psychics are about as useful as discussions of foreign policy with Call of Duty players.
Bang. Head. On. Desk.
Hat tip to Nicole Belle at CrooksAndLiars.com for finding this absolute nugget.
I apologize for not including a transcript, but after three tries at making sense of what CNN was trying to do I had to take a rest from the constant urge to rip my fucking ears off.
Turn on Lewis Black Style Rant NOW > below the fold
LewisBlackRantON
Dear CNN, can we talk?
Meet me over at Camera Two.
I want you to watch this clip from South Park, so you can understand that this is supposed to be a joke, you know, for fun. This is NOT how you are supposed to run a news channel, not unless you have a talking piece of shit on your network, and I know what you are thinking but no, Wolf Blitzer and Erick Erickson don't count.
Okay, now, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
You know what I do when I have a problem with my car? I consult my tarot cards. I mean, a mechanic might be better to ask about these sorts of things, but auto repairs are like the the economy, which, like everything else, is like God, you don't need to understand it, you just need to pray a whole bunch and hope Ben Bernanke is as happy as a human being could possibly be. Fuck wasting time trying to understand things, just assume that I am lazy as hell, and I need a News Network that is just as lazy as I am so I don't have to spare any brain cells with thinking, because I was going to kill those brains cells with some homemade moonshine I made out of turpentine and gummy bears in the gas tank of an old 1983 Chevy I found, which my psychic adviser tells me is just as safe as normal alcohol according to the position of Jupiter in my astrological charts
You know what pisses me off? When I write an article I do this thing called research. But what do I know, I am not a professional, well paid journalist like the people at CNN.
Who needs EXPERTS? Or even people with informed opinions? It's not like CNN has access to experts, no, fuck it, get me a guy with a fucking magic 8ball, and lets predict the economy based on that!
Nope, when it comes to a serious, intricate topic like accurate predictions of the economy, CNN has opted to go totally South Park on this thing, so we're going to have to cut a chickens head off on a big round chart, and wherever the headless body falls will tell us what to do, because that is scientific by these dumbed down, lazy corporate hacks.
Hell, this is the channel where all of the "experts" were certain that they were very important people who knew how things work, right up until the whole fucking economy blew up in their faces in 2008 and then they all became the people who "never could have seen this coming."
I fucking WEEP for my country. If these are the clowns who are supposed to keep us informed then we are totally screwed.
Facts? History? BULLSHIT! That sounds hard, like it might require research, nope, instead get me a lady with a crystal ball, or even better, lets divine the economy by disemboweling a chicken and then bringing in a druid priest to read our future in it's entrails!
Screw it, get the old crone from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves to host your economy segments, maybe she can read some winning stock picks in the signs of the bones she throws on her altar?
The worst part of all this, though, is captured perfectly by Nicole Belle from CrooksandLiars.
But there's a subtle message by relegating discussion of the economy to psychics that economic recovery is something that is up to chance, or the stars, or Providence. That it's something that takes a special sense to understand and that is just frankly b.s. of the highest order. Economics is not that mystical, nor is it that difficult to understand. But as long as the media keeps it something beyond explanation, you foster a sense of hopelessness and helplessness among the viewers, which makes them far more dependent upon experts.
And I get that same feeling when Beltway insiders implore us to be to listen to the "serious" "adults". It's the feeling you get when Gov. Rick Perry implores us to "pray" for the good economy. It's fucking nonsense straight out of South Park, and it is intellectually insulting, because instead of trying to inform people on what is actually happening in the American Economy, you know, the kind of stuff that real journalists like Walter Cronkite used to do, our modern lazy as hell gullible fair and balanced corporate owned media is really telling us "Don't you worry your pretty little head. Here is a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?"
Now, if we are going the mystical route, I have an idea on how CNN can really get an accurate take on the future of the economy. The way it works is that all of the hosts and guests who have appeared on CNN in the last year have to participate in a lottery, and whoever wins that lottery must be sacrificed to the Gods of Wall Street, so that our dividends next year might be high, and the Gods may be pleased.
Or, maybe we could try some fucking research and facts instead. Maybe.
I mean, just listening to the "journalist" at CNN asking specific economic questions to people who predict the love fortunes for drunk college sorority girls, and then tell me with a straight face that we aren't two more brain damaging MTV reality shows away from Idiocracy, and then hold your sides while the toxins of this bullshit makes your eyes water as you watch this insipid attempt at News while the anchor lady looks seriously interested in the very serious "predictions" that the lady with the crystal ball is making. This is pathetic kabuki at best, or deliberate idiocy at worst.
At this point, CNN, I understand why Jon Stewart is relentless on you. You just deserve it. This is the laziest kind of infotainment I have ever stumbled across, and as an American media consumer, you should be ashamed of that. Why not just get a roulette wheel with different political platitudes on and spin it once every 10 minutes throughout the whole 24/7 news cycle, then you can go back to playing Farmville or Solitaire or whatever the hell you tell your bosses that you're doing 9 to 5 every day.
Because, for this sad ass entry in the category for worst journalism of the year, dear CNN, I award you no points, and may the Gods have mercy on the IOU where your soul used to be.
You can follow me on Twitter @JesseLaGreca