I have been friends with her for almost 30 years and I called her my best friend for most of that time. She's ten years younger than I am and I thought that she'd be the one to go through my stuff after I died and get rid of anything that would embarrass me.
She's always had her bouts with depression, but has always been able to stay afloat and come out of it after awhile. But for the past two years, she's been in a downward spiral. A few months ago she asked for my social security number because she is making out her will. She's hinted at suicide. I told her how devastating that would be for me and her family. I know she listens, but I can't read her anymore.
Two weeks ago she resigned from her job. I'm pretty sure that she has enough money saved to get by. She'll go on the Cobra for health insurance for a year and a half, which will take her to the end of next year, though I don't know what she'll do for the following year before the Affordable Care Act kicks in (if it does).
She's on 2 antidepressants, which have helped her in the past, and now a third, which may or may not be making a difference. I nagged at her to get her vitamin D level checked and she did, which means at least she's seeing a doctor. It was extremely low. She finally agreed to start taking a vitamin D supplement.
I think this is something physical. She's on blood pressure medication, which might be contributing, but I don't know what medication. She's not talking to me much, so I can't find out. Even if the medication alone isn't the cause of the problem, I think the lack of sunlight could be part of it since she never goes out in the sun anymore because the medication makes you more vulnerable to skin damage. It's frustrating because I don't think the doctors will even consider that the medication could be part or contribute to the problem.
She doesn't want to spend much time with me. Partly, she doesn't want to spend much time with anyone, but I think she's more resistant to spending time with me because it's harder for her to keep up a front with me.
Truthfully, I don't feel like spending time with her either. When someone doesn't want to spend time with me, my instinct is to say, okay, I don't want to spend time with you either. Rejection is uncomfortable even if you understand the reasons.
I force myself to call her every few weeks. Sometimes I push for a visit and spend some time with her, though I don't want to; it's an hour and a half to drive there.
She's slipping away and it's leaving a hole inside me.