Welcome Back! I had a moment over half finished, but rather than finishing it for posting today, I'm punting it down the road, in favor of a shorter one. This is partially because I had a difficult day yesterday, and it's going to make today difficult as well, so I don't want to spend the time finishing it just now. It's also because Buddhism teaches us to be true to where we are, right here, right now, and that diary isn't where I am right now. But first, here's a man filling up his car, he's not having an easy day either:
More under the flip.
Background
Short moment today, lots of background karma, little dharma, because I have a lot I need to get done, and very little energy to do it, so I'm buying myself some time to take today slowly.
I work for a local chain of convenience stores. I'm based out of one shop, but I generally know what I'm doing, so even though I'm slow and have a bad leg, I often get asked to help out when other shops are short-staffed. So, yesterday, the heat wave settled into our area, and I was helping out at another shop, one that doesn't sell gasoline (many do, but not my home shop, nor this one). A couple of hours into my shift and an elderly woman walked in to buy milk and eggs.
She was probably Muslim, but her religion doesn't factor into this story other than the fact that she was wearing clothing typical for immigrant Muslim women in this neighborhood, long flowing robes and a headscarf. She seemed to speak very little English with a thick accent.
She also reeked of gasoline. Everyone else in the shop was either looking for the source of the gas smell, or asking her if she's what smells like gas. She would smile, nod, say "yes ... gas", and point at her robe. I assumed she had a mishap at the gas station, and accidentally soaked her robe with gasoline. I strove to ring her out quickly and get her on her way as soon as possible for everyone's sake.
While I was ringing her out, another customer noticed she had a gas can under her robe, and it was leaking a puddle of gas onto the floor. Finished with her purchase, she smiled and left, casually leaving behind a toxic spill in the shop.
Which triggered my asthma. I didn't so much have an attack, as I was able to feel my lungs slowly constricting, my breath get shallower. We got the appropriate people notified and the shop aired out in about an hour, but I was in no shape to do my job, so after hours of trying to get someone to cover my shift (which was covering someone else's shift, who couldn't find anybody to work it), I finally got to go home two hours early.
Today, my lungs are somewhat better, but still not good. It will take a little while. I'm only doing the most important things (one of which is a meeting that might help me get a different job), and taking my time at them.
Dharma Chat — Moments
So what do I get out of this incident? Part of it is just be true to who we are, where we are, at this present moment. There were a few minutes there of me not doing that, of me standing there ringing out customers while slowly and steadily feeling sicker.
Like with meditation, when I realize you've strayed off, I try to acknowledge what happened, rebalance, and continue. Except in this case, "rebalance and continue" meant rebalance and continue being true to myself, not true to the cash register, and being true to myself meant stopping the whole standing there in fumes ringing out customers, it meant getting some help (there was another person working with me, and someone from the district office happened to be handy too) and standing outside.
And then opening up the back door for cross ventilation, and sitting next to it to provide security while the district guy made a whole mess of phone calls on my behalf. Sitting in the hot and muggy air wasn't pleasant, but it was far far better for my lungs than running around in the gas fumes.
In this case, I found I was in danger only during the period that I was doing my job mindlessly. Once I reestablished mindfulness, I knew how I could muddle through, to the end of my shift if need be, and do no further harm to myself. Thankfully, after a couple of hours, we found someone, and I could go home and start work on healing above and beyond preventing further harm.
Granted, that's not always going to be the case, some situations are dangerous even for the mindful, but even then, practicing mindfulness makes risks more manageable, less dangerous.
I'm sure there's more to draw out of this incident, but I'm not going to right now. Instead, I'll open the floor, questions, concerns, whatever?