I have decided to out myself. That's right- I'm a Troll. An annoying, underhanded, dirty internet troll. At Yahoo.
Yep, Yahoo- The Home of the Internet's Dumbest Commenters. I should hide my head in shame. But before you condemn me- I'm on the side of the good guys. I do my best every day to dishearten, dismay, annoy, pester, afflict and generally irritate all the bone-headed conservatives posting comments there. And I like to think I'm at least keeping them busy so that others can enjoy the internet in peace.
How did I become a troll? Well, I didn't start as a troll. I started by posting reasoned arguments. But I learned a few things:
It's Not About Reasoned Arguments
It's about winning. It is the Conan the Barbarian view of what is best in life-
To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
Anecdotes Are All You Need
For instance, if you're a conservative, being called racist is now the worst thing ever. And they've decided that the burden of proof is now on the accuser, even when the evidence is plain as day. But this is where the anecdote comes in.
If a conservative sees a minority doing bad somewhere, with their own eyes, it is not racist to use this to generalize about said minority.
I can't count the times I have called someone on their racism when they said something like, "I was a teacher, and I had black students who made trouble, therefore the problem is that black kids are unteachable." I've responded that this is racist, but people will immediately jump to the OPs defense saying, "It's not racist, he
saw that happen. He
experienced it!"
It's like, no asshole, the point is that he's using it to generalize, I'm not questioning the validity of his anecdote.
But there is no point to any of this. The next poster, having seen that the OP has been successfully defended by anecdote=data illogic, will pile on- "YOU sound like a racist." Next will be "Yeah, HOMO!" And it just devolves from there.
My Personal Rules for Trolling Yahoo...
I'm Pretty Sure My Numbers Are Right...
Is good enough for statistics. At first I was used to liberal websites where people will say "Oh yeah, I know Gallup polled it at 72% in 2008, but in 2011 WaPo had it at 69%, so what do you think about that? heh heh." Conservatives don't do that! In all my years of posting comments at Yahoo.com, I have never had a conservative answer a statistic with another statistic. Nor answer a link with another link. I know sometimes they'll post links when trolling liberal websites, but that's because they know they're on our turf so they bring their "A" game. Using statistics just makes you look like a nerd in their eyes.
BUT, it might convince a few people who are otherwise neutral to go look something up. So it's worth it to be at least in the ballpark of right. I don't make things up! But if I'm pretty sure... that's good enough.
Be Succinct
My favorite comment is RACIST!. They hate that word. They go into a frenzy when they hear it. So I use it, often. Sometimes I worry that I'm devaluing it, but I doubt it. They still hate being called Fascist, and that's been going on for 70 years. They even tried, pitifully, to start a trend of calling liberals fascists, but no one buys it. And finally, if it's about the south- Traitors!
Other useful terms- LIAR! CRYBABY! DUMMY! TEABAGGER!
Not useful- Homophobe, Woman hater (they take pride in these)
When the Pile-On Begins, Get Out!
The whole point is to start a pile-on. I get them all buzzing around my comment like flies on shit. Then I get out. Because they're going to downvote me into oblivion anyway. Strike elsewhere.
Don't Take It Personally
They don't know who I am. Hell, YOU don't know who I am. And I try to maintain my reputation here. That doesn't mean you know anything all that important about me. Words hurt- but only if they are properly directed. No one on the internet knows enough about me to really hurt my feelings unless I share that with them. So while at DKos I might say "you know, my family comes from here, and it hurts when you say...." I would never try that at Yahoo. Instead, if someone calls me stupid, I say, "no I'm not YOU'RE STUPID, you stupid stupidhead." And move on.
So that's what I'm about lately. I tell myself I'm fighting the good fight, but really, I'm just taking pleasure in giving some blowhard a good internet slap in the face. These people don't hear them called on their BS often enough in real life, I'm sure.
So I admit it. I'm a troll. AND I'M NOT SORRY!