What a cruel world we live in.
I have created a nice little hell for myself.
I didn't work hard enough, and it's my fault.
I have an unhealthy obsession with politics, and while I obsess about things that are largely out of my control I have allowed my life to fall apart, and I have no one else to blame but myself.
It is my fault I do not have a job. It is my fault that I have four dollars to my name. It is my fault that the rent is due in 10 days and I have absolutely nothing. It is my fault that I have allowed things to get to this point.
I honestly do not know what the fuck I am doing anymore. I struggle to get basic shit done. I haven't dealt with my depression and it is crippling me. My opinions are meaningless when I can barely cope with basic things that everyone else deals with. Why should anyone give any credence to what I have to say when I can't even get my shit together. I wake up and there is nothing. I go to sleep and there is nothing. No dreams.
I struggle just to get out of the house sometimes. It's my fault. I have no motivation. I feel like I can't help myself. The other day I lost my only belt and I realized how pathetic that is, I don't even own a fucking belt and I have no way to get another one. You'd think that between being unable to pay the rent, buy groceries or get myself to a doctor to get my ear checked out losing a belt wouldn't bother me, but it really did. For some reason that belt was the last straw, it made me realize that I have totally wrecked my life up to this point, and yes, I have no one else to blame but myself.
This helpless feeling, that whatever it is I am doing I am doing it wrong, or not doing it at all, this helpless feeling when you are like a piece of trash out in the bay, just being thrown around by the tide with no control, I don't know how I ended up here, or perhaps I do and I don't care to face it, I don't know.
I don't know why I write this. Perhaps I need the catharsis of venting. Perhaps I am incapable of nothing else but self reflection at this point, I don't know. I used to be self sufficient. I used to be something else. What I have become I do not want to be, I want to change that for the better, but damned if I know how. One doesn't think properly on an empty stomach, and this damn ringing in my ear isn't helping.
I feel ashamed that even if I got a job interview I have no belt to wear, no way to buy a subway pass, no, I have let it come to this. I don't know how to pull myself up by my bootstraps anymore. I used to, but I lost it. This is my low point, there is nowhere else to go but up, because I refuse to consider any act of deliberately harming myself, but through inaction I have harmed myself, and I've got to stop doing this to myself, beating myself up, letting myself become paralyzed and overwhelmed, but I don't know how to make the cycle stop.
I don't know why I tell you this. It has nothing to do with the purpose of this website and it probably comes off as pretty pathetic, but I don't care. Some of you who may be reading this have become real friends in my life, more so than people who I know in real life. I have met some of you, and corresponded with others, in many ways this website is a huge part of my life. I feel at home here, but that means nothing if I can't keep a roof over my head in real life. I think feeling at home here, among much finer people than myself, I think that is a good thing, but then again, I don't know what the hell I am doing anymore. My judgement is no longer to be trusted.
So here I am, a guy who doesn't work, can't find it, totally struggles just to make the effort to look for work lately, my say should be meaningless at this point. I write because that is all I know. I don't know shit about taking care of myself. I don't know what comes next, the only thing I do know, the thing that keeps me going no matter what, is that it has to get better at some point.
But I haven't been keeping myself going, I have been going nowhere. The stasis of going nowhere is not making things better, it is not getting to that better point eventually, I feel like I have been looking at a wreck and telling myself that if it doesn't get worse that is a kind of victory, but it is not. Keeping your head just barely above the quicksand still means you are neck deep in it, and I feel like I poured my own quicksand before I fell in it, but quicksand it is, and I have to get out.
I have no idea where to start.
So I am going to find somewhere I can walk to today to get my ear looked at, I have procrastinated for too long over this, but procrastination is damn near the only thing I succeed in anymore. I will walk there with my four dollars in one hand and my pride in my other, or maybe I won't, I don't know anymore. I don't know what the fuck I am doing or why I am writing about it. All I know is that I have no job, no money, no food in the cabinets, no money for the rent that is due in 10 days, I have no aspirations that I can achieve in the near future, I have a long list of fucked up shit I don't know how to deal with, and the only way I can get this shit off of my chest and retain the small bit of sanity left to me is by talking to all of you about it. I must be fucking crazy.
So here I am, naked before the world. I don't know how to deal with my depression, I don't know how to deal with the world I have created for myself, I don't know where I am going or what I will do when I get there. All I know is that I hope tomorrow is better than today, but hope for tomorrow doesn't mean shit when you are hungry today, and the screwed up place I am in right now is of my own making, and I take 100% of the responsibility for it.
Hoping for some good advice or more. I could sure as hell need it right now.
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Peace and love to all, and more for those who need it the most.
Somehow
Somewhere