Dear Student Loan/Auto Loan/Mortgage/Credit Card Company,
Hey, I have recently come to the conclusion that I pay for too much shit and I don't make enough money to pay for all this shit. So I am not going to pay you until I figure this out. Yes I know I promised and the fact is I could still pay you, if I wanted. But the truth is that until I fix my wild and crazy spending habits or manage to convince my son (who in fact is very wealthy due to a huge bonus he managed to get while working on Wall Street. Yes, he still lives with us) to kick a little more for rent and electricity and food and health care. The problem is that he tells me that if we ask him to kick in just a little bit more he might start to drink and kick puppies. I tell you though he is quite precious and not a big asshole even though he sounds and acts and everybody thinks he is one.
So this is my dilemma, I can't pay you because I don't want to until I figure my shit out. Please don't tell Equifax, its really your fault anyway, not mine, for expecting me to live up to my obligations. Man are you stupid!
Sincerely,
Gangster Octopus