No one here really knows who I am, other than the fact that I am an internationally famous writer who moved the "English" language into modernity over 600 years ago. Some have a modicum of knowledge about my background and beliefs -- only because I told you what they are. I could be a fraud -- I've written brilliantly about frauds. So, take this diary for what it is worth -- because you don't know me.
Actually, I was born in Baltimore and spent my first 7 years there. Astonishingly, I had parents who bucked the norm of their families regarding race -- and by that, I mean, black v. white -- not Hispanic, Asian, Native American, blends, etc. Even in an environment where my mother threw out relatives who used the "N" word as casually as talking about water, ice cream or crab cakes, I actually referred to an ubiquitous candy as "nigger babies," Brazil nuts as "nigger toes." I laughed at racist cartoons, embraced wax racist lips sold in the local penny candy store and drew with my 12 crayon box racist pictures -- black crayons and green crayons and red crayons.
When I was 5 years old, my Mom sent me down the back yard to the alley to bring iced tea or lemonade she made for the rag men who sold clean rags for -- well, cleaning or "Arabs (long "A" - rabs)" who had pony drawn carts with fresh vegetables and fruits. She also made me come back for a pail of water and carrots for the ponies. The exotic black men were afraid to take anything from me because I was a 5 year old white girl with a young white mother. They didn't want trouble for US -- good god. My Mom gave me the right words to ask these men to accept some respite from the heat -- to know that she wasn't afraid of her neighbors. I didn't understand these words -- but they did.
It took me many years to learn the early lessons from Baltimore as my family moved up the East Coast -- Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and finally Connecticut. I've learned to speak out immediately against overt racism; I have a long way to go to recognize covert racism which I can only learn from those who have heard the words and phrases their whole lives -- and through the lives of their ancestors.
I came from a black/white world in my early years, with the exception of my fears of Japanese and Germans as a boomer baby. I have only been exposed to other racist expressions regarding Hispanics, multi- Asian folks and other cultures from my 20s forward. I resent the fact that I have a lizard brain tendency sometimes to have reactions against "others" who are basically me in a different skin or country of origin or religion which last mere seconds but are nonetheless disturbing.
No matter how "liberal," "progressive," or "enlightened" I believe I am -- I need those who can check my perceptions -- those who challenge my vocabulary. I am thankful for the basics -- now I need the refinements. My imperfections suggest that I will remain imperfect until death. I'd just like to be less and less imperfect and for that, I need discourse, correction, admonition.