From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark Wins C&J Straw Poll
"[Herman Cain] just kicked Rick Perry's Caucasian ass up and down the state of Florida, proving that politics sometimes is like a porn movie. … Y'know, a pizza guy shows up out of nowhere and fucks you."
---Daily Show "Senior Black Correspondent" Larry Wilmore
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"If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd, but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing."
---Bill Maher
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"It's like [Republicans'] ideal candidate is a rare, super-heavy element that could only exist in a particular particle accelerator. And even then, only for a fraction of a second before you all remembered how much you hate science."
--–Jon Stewart
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"President Obama on Monday defended his new proposed tax rate for millionaires, saying 'This is not class warfare, it's math.' Which is unfortunate since Americans are way better at warfare than math."
---Seth Meyers
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"The man who invented Doritos passed away at the age of 97. Let that be a lesson, kids: junk food'll kill ya."
---Craig Ferguson
And this from The Daily Show:
Gretchen Carlson Fox News clip: Do you really believe that children are going to turn transgender from watching Chaz Bono?
Fox News contributor, psychiatrist Keith Ablow: Yes! It's possible that if someone is celebrated and lifted to heroic proportions like that of a civil rights leader, that somebody who is 'somewhat' uncomfortable with his or her gender might say, y'know what? I'm going down that road.
Lewis Black: I don’t know if letting your kids watch Chaz Bono will turn them into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes.
More at Kurtzman's cabana.
Another September in the bag. The republic survives! Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 30, 2011
Note: C&J will class up the front page of Daily Kos Monday by not being posted. Back Tuesday with an exciting new subscription structure that lets you buy only the pixels you want for one low price. Plus a handling fee and you also gotta buy some luggage.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til 2012: 92
Days `til the California Beer Festival in Claremont: 8
Factor by which women find proud men more attractive than happy men: 3
Factor by which men find happy women more attractive than proud women: 5
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent increase in Apple's stock price during Steve Jobs' reign from 1997-2011: 6,392%
(Source: Time)
Number of high-res Dead Sea Scroll interactive photos that were recently published online: 5
Number of references to "a man from Nantucket": 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Close encounter
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CHEERS to the gathering swarm. There's an old saying I was taught when I was knee-high to a grasshopper, scurrying around the hills and dales of central Ohio:
"First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they go all Rambo with the pepper spray. Then you blanket the social media with slo-mo video of the jerkwad pepper sprayer. Then celebrities join the fray. Then the pizza arrives! Then the media start to notice. Then fresh reinforcements arrive to support you. Then the late-night comedians talk about you. Then other cities join in. Then the assholes opposed to you start getting nervous. Then you control the narrative. Then you go global. Then you become a fixture in society. Then you wield real power. Then you effect change. Then you win!"
It was a little awkward for the high school cheerleading squad to shout during halftime, but it made an excellent jump-rope ditty. And now, all these years later, it's coming true, thanks to the growing Occupy Wall Street movement. No one has any idea exactly how it's going to play out, but one thing's for sure: whoever made this mask is making a fortune.
CHEERS to the flying FLOTUS. Michelle Obama visited Portland, Maine today, but not before a scandal erupted when it was reported that an "unnamed Democratic official" said, "We don't believe she's been to Maine before." That briefly touched off speculation as to why an exact Michelle Obama lookalike traveled to Bar Harbor with the president and his daughters last summer. Much to TMZ and Politico's dismay, the source turned out to be an "unnamed stoner." Anyway, the First Lady attended a private function in Cape Elizabeth and then a rally on the Portland waterfront today. Her message: "This is a very important election." Translation: "We accept cash, checks and all major credit cards." And, if we're lucky enough 13 months from now, we won't get any change.
JEERS to Governor Klutzy McPantsonfire. Y'know, I keep thinking that, gee, maybe this month will be the month that Maine Governor Paul LePage stops making gargantuan rookie mistakes that make our entire state look like H'yuckville. Unfortunately, his ninth month in office wasn't the charm. This week, while participating in an education panel in New York, moderator Brian Williams asked him a simple question: why did he remove that pro-labor mural and sock it away in an anonymous warehouse with the Lost Ark of the Covenant? Portland Press Herald columnist Bill Nemitz---a real thorn in LePage's side---documents the eye-rolling response:
[LePage:] "I have absolutely nothing about organized labor." […] "My objection to the mural is simply where the money came from […]
[Williams:] "So you punished the mural for the funding. You ordered the mural taken away."
[LePage:] "Well, we have puttin' it under safe lock and key."
I don’t know what's more pathetic: that he keeps offering different excuses when everyone knows he took it down because labor = dirty fucking hippies, or that he's taking speech lessons from George W. Bush.
CHEERS to Schoolhouse Barack. President Obama gave his annual speech to America's students this week. He told them to study hard, make decisions based on facts, think outside the box, share with others, and be nice to people. Or, as the conservative fringe calls it: blasphemy.
CHEERS to passing gas. On September 30, 1846, William Morton---a Boston dentist---used ether as an anesthetic for the first time. He had better luck the next day when he used it on the patient.
CHEERS to the new rule of the road. If you reckon on visiting our fair state anytime in the future, fair warning: Maine's new distracted-driver law went into effect yesterday. If you're caught texting while driving, it's a one-hundred-dollar fine. If you're caught texting while putting, it's a two-stroke penalty.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The spoils of the small screen runneth over this weekend. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher has a great lineup: Dana Priest, Van Jones, former Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm, Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane and Salman Rushdie. New DVD releases include the 50th anniversary edition of Ben Hur on Blu-Ray and Transformers: Dark of the Moon. (Harry's full list at AICN is here.) The Boston Red Sox will definitely clinch a playoff berth! The NFL schedule is here. (New England faces Oakland.) Goddess Melissa McCarthy hosts SNL (and if she doesn't get an Oscar nomination next year for Bridesmaids there is no god). For sheer sentimental value, Andy Rooney's last commentary on 60 Minutes is a must-watch moment. ("Doesn’t it BOTHER you when 92 year-old American icons have the gall to retire? That BOTHERS me…") And Ken Burns returns to PBS Sunday with another mega-doc, this time on Prohibition. Your drinking game: if you see a drink, take a drink.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup. Feel the Cainmentum:
This Week: Herman Cain.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Herman Cain again; FedEx CEO Fred Smith and BET founder Robert Johnson; roundtable with Brit Hume, Mara Liasson, Juan Williams and Bill Kristol.
Meet the Press: Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick and Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell; roundtable with Mike Murphy, Peggy Noonan,, E.J. Dionne and Rep. Xavier Becerra.
CNN's State of the Union: Dick and Liz Cheney at the same time. Hopefully Candy Crowley will be asking questions from behind a blast wall.
Face the Nation: Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley and Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour; and it's Bob Schieffer's turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping.
Washington Week: John Dickerson of Slate on the Chris Christie Fan Club; Stopgap spending madness with Major Garrett of National Review; John Biskupic of USA Today on the upcoming Supreme Court session.
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: September 30, 2006
CHEERS to doin' the stand-up/sit-down thang. Well, it looks official: the Iraqi people---71 percent of them---want us to get out of their country within a year. Over half of them believe it would reduce violence there and strengthen their government. Even so, President Bush says that's crazy talk:
"Look, it's hard. Ah understand that. Now, let me finish! Ah understand they're upset. In other words, there's an agreed-upon understanding of the scope their upsetness. But kicking us out is admitting defeat. Now let me finish! I know the Iraqi people aren't used to stayin' the course. They're a little rusty at marchin' the freedom march. Ah understand that. Let me finish! But admitting defeat is cutting and running and I will not let them cut and run from themselves until they have dipped their purple fingers into the apple pie filling of democracy! So the Iraqi people need to calm down, maybe turn up their air conditioners a few ticks, watch some cable TV, and let us finish their job for 'em."
He's dreamy.
JEERS to the delicate sensibilities of Old Europe. Some Belgian travelers on an Air France Flight say they were traumatized and "feared for their safety" when fellow passenger Bonnie Tyler was asked to sing Total Eclipse of the Heart. Of course, what the press failed to mention was that she was on the wing with a hacksaw at the time.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a somewhat notable fellow Kossack. Happy 87th birthday tomorrow to Jimmy Carter, the man who brought decency back to the White House after the Nixon/Nixon-pardoned-by-Nixon's-Successor debacle. He was stubborn---and too much of a micromanager---during his White House years (plus the hostage crisis and canceling the Olympics didn't help him, and don’t get me started on the killer swamp rabbit he fended off with a canoe paddle). But his post-presidency warrants every accolade (and Nobel Peace Prize) we can throw his way, especially his early public swipes at George W. Bush during a time when to do so was considered "impolite." And one of my favorite presidential trivia stories ever:
Willie Nelson once performed at the Carter White House, after which he enjoyed the first family's hospitality by staying over. That night, the country crooner climbed up on the roof, took in a little stargazing, and---while marveling at the way in which the city's streets converged on the executive mansion---lit up what he called a "fat Austin torpedo." Security agents were nowhere to be found. As Nelson insightfully recalled after the experience, "The roof of the White House is the safest place I can think of to smoke dope."
---From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien
Rachel Maddow sat down with him earlier this month and he was as feisty as ever. So Happy Birthday, #39---[Hoists Billy Beer]---and many blessings on your camels.
Have a lovely fall weekend. Adopt a leaf. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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