You probably think that stuff you say on Twitter -- or here for that matter -- under a pseudonym is pretty much protected speech. You would be wrong.
You probably think if they are monitoring it they are looking for certain word combinations, like "death to America", or "cocaine and meth", or "underage girls for sale", or "Santorum". Anything else probably just gets sucked up into a hard drive and forgotten.
You'd be wrong. Let me tell you a story about a couple of Tweets that landed two Brits in jail. The irony? The high-school drop outs at DHS don't even recognize quotes from "The Family Guy" -- I guess Stewie is too high brow for these neanderthals.
But wait... it gets worse....
The Daily Mail reports
Two British tourists were barred from entering America after joking on Twitter that they were going to 'destroy America' and 'dig up Marilyn Monroe'.
Ohhhhhhhhh..... sounds ominous. Imagine the impact on the American psyche if someone stole our precious Marilyn and desecrated her corpse. If you think that doesn't sound like much of a threat ask North Korea what would happen to the Universe if someone did that to Dear Leader's mortal remains?
Oh...wait.... this isn't North Korea. And we don't have Marilyn Monroe on display. And it's a fucking line from Family Guy. Unfortunately for the intrepid Brits, they made the mistake of thinking the jokes at Homeland Security were actually aware how funny they are.
"I almost burst out laughing when they asked me if I was going to be Leigh's lookout while he dug up Marilyn Monroe."
Obviously, the Crash Test Dummies at DHS don't get enough work in the one profession they could be good at, so they took this to a whole new level.
'It got even more ridiculous because the officials searched our suitcases and said they were looking for spades and shovels. They did a full body search on me too.
I don't know which is more ridiculous.... looking for spades and shovels up some poor girls ass... or thinking you need a spade and shovel to exhume Marilyn Monroe. Any real American would know that is impossible.
That's right. Joe DiMaggio paid to have Marilyn's remains placed in a crypt that he routinely visited. This is no secret. In fact, a couple years ago, some woman offered her husband's crypt for sale on eBay. He was placed ABOVE Marilyn.
The initial bidding began at $500,000. As of this writing eBay Item #320412140795 "Crypt Above Marilyn Monroe For Sale" has received 23 bids and is up to $2,750,600.
Here's the original description:
Here is a once in a lifetime and into eternity opportunity to spend your eternal days directly above Marilyn Monroe. This crypt in the famous Westwood Cemetary in West Los Angeles currently occupied above Marilyn Monroe is being vacated so as to make room for a new resident. "Spending Eternity next to Marilyn Monroe is too sweet to pass up", recently quoted by Hugh Heffner, who has reserved his place in eternity next to her. The lucky bidder will be deeded a piece of real estate that he or she will make their last address. And below you will be Marilyn Monroe. In fact the person occupying the address right now is looking face down on her.
So far, so funny. Except the goons took these two tourists and placed them in prison with drug dealers.
'I kept saying to them they had got the wrong meaning from my tweet but they just told me "you've really fucked up with that tweet boy".
'When I was in the van I was handcuffed and put in a cage. I had a panic attack but the worse was yet to come.
'When we arrived at the prison I was shoved in a cell on my own but after an hour two huge Mexican men covered in tattoos came in and started asking me who I was.
'They told me they'd been arrested for taking cocaine over the border.
'When the food arrived on the tray they took it all and just left me with a carton of apple juice.'
After 12 hours in custody they returned to the airport where they were handed documents which stated they had been refused entry to the US.
Emily's charge sheet stated: 'It is believed that you are travelling with Leigh-Van Bryan who possibly has the intentions of coming to the United States to commit crimes.'
Leigh's charge sheet, alongside a police mug shot and finger print, added: 'He had posted on his Tweeter website account that he was coming to the United States to dig up the grave of Marilyn Monroe.
Here's the question every taxpayer supporting this should be asking: "How many people had to vet the tweets from 2 weeks PRIOR before these unlucky Brits got flagged at the airport?" How much did we spend on that? That's important because it is clear this isn't a case of one or two knuckle-draggers. This is a department that is populated from top to bottom with first-class fuck ups who couldn't save you a seat at the movie without someone writing them a note and pinning it to their jacket.
Words fail me. I don't know what is sadder: that we are using the Department of Homeland Security as a sheltered workshop for mentally challenged semi-literates who can't find a real job because their heads are so far up their ass they can't even use "the Google".... or that people have forgotten how classy Joe DiMaggio was.